Sunday, February 28, 2010

So tired

We were up early this morning for breakfast, so I didn't have time for yoga before we left. We walked a lot and had fun, but everyone was dragging by the end of the day. It gets so much harder to maintain a filter when I'm exhaused!
Every complaint from a kid is harder to tolerate. Every jostle from someone in the crowd makes me irritated. The kids struggled to the end of the day, and couldn't help poking and fighting with each other. Then I couldn't help yelling at them. Ugh.
A bottle of water and some time sitting down left us refreshed for a quiet evening. We will be trying for a late night of parade and fireworks tomorrow. I hope we can all wrap ourselves in some tolerance, if not exactly good will towards all.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Perspective

I have trouble with expectations, wanting a certain outcome and being really frustrated when things don't go as planned. I know I can't control certain things, like the weather and other people. I knew before we left for Florida that the forecast was not ideal. The temperature is well below normal. Today it also rained. So we were cold and wet, and there was nothing I could do about it.
So we bought sweatshirts and gloves (our jackets alone weren't enough today) and spent the day at Disney Hollywood which has more attractions that are indoors or at least covered. A lot of other vacationers had the same idea! I was seriously disappointed because we also couldn't find a Starbucks, so no chai! The kids, however, totally rallied. They didn't complain about the cold, they skipped and ran through the rain, and Zee happily jabbered her way through several shows.
In short, we ended up having a nice time in spite of the nasty conditions. Sometimes it takes the perspective of a child, still present in the joy of vacation (and new stuffed animals), to bring me back into the moment. That can still be hard to recognize with no Starbucks in site. I may have a serious problem here ;)

Friday, February 26, 2010

Princess Pressure

Zee has been saying for months that she doesn't like princesses anymore. I think she thought her cool brother would find it babyish. I wondered how she would do at Disney with princess stuff everywhere, but she walked in the gates and saw the light. Actually she saw a bunch of girls her age walking around in princess gowns, tiaras and sparkles. We bought a princess Minnie hat today, with tiara and veil. It's fabulous. Thank goodness I brought her Aurora gown.

Sparkles and make-up have a magnetic effect on these girls. One girl in a gown feels extremely special, and all the other girls ARE staring. Zee had her hat off this evening, saw a girl her age in one, and had to have it on again. I want her to know she doesn't need to wait for her prince to come, she can make her own dreams come true. But I don't see anything wrong with looking fabulous while doing it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Bearless

DJ has a favorite Teddy bear. He got bear when he was 15 months old and hasn't stopped sleeping on him since. Even though he is 8 now, he has a serious soft spot for bear. He's ratty, matted from going through the dryer too many times, and had to have a serious chest wound sutured a year or so back.
So you can imagine DJ's distress when we got halfway to the airport and he realized he forgot to pack bear. I thought he would shake it off fairly quickly, we never see bear except in bed, but he was heartbroken. Silently tears started to stream down his face. Then Z started to cry because she felt so badly for him. Gotta love the girl's sense of empathy.
Al said this would be a good time to try to break him of the habit. My thought is are you out of your mind? On vacation, strange bed, different food, exciting days and up too late. NOT the time for major transitions. Bear is also one of the last little kid things he holds onto, with his Pokemon and video games. Let him keep the lovey, we all need something to cuddle now and then. We bought a poor substitute of a dog at walmart with promises to find something good at Disney tomorrow. But it won't be a substitute for that silly old bear.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pre-flight Freak Out

I don't like to travel. Let me clarify. I love to be in different places, especially warm, beachy Mexican places, but I hate the process of packing, preparing and actually travelling to those places. We are leaving for Disney World tomorrow, and I started my anxious lead up to travel last night. I started by making lists in my head of the things we need to pack, then I put those lists on paper, then realized I don't have everything I need and made a list of things to go buy, and so on. I worked myself up pretty well, and had trouble falling asleep.


It took me about 30 minutes of tossing and turning, mind racing and feeling short of breath before it occurred to me to try some breathing exercises we learned in yoga teacher training. Genius! I started by observing my breath. I was in full breath-grabbing mode at that point, which is unusual for me. This means I was gasping the air up high in my chest before I had fully exhaled the previous breath. That's a fast road to hyperventilation, or a panic attack. So I started trying to breathe deeper to fill my abdomen first, then inhaling my entire lung capacity (3 part breathing). To calm down, I started lengthening my exhalations to twice the length of my inhalations. Counting the length of the breaths also gave my mind something to do so I could shut down the list-making. It took a while to fully calm down, but I finally got to sleep.


I will likely have to do some similar exercises on the plane. I don't fear flying, but I find it very uncomfortable. My husband travels reasonably often for work, and the best I can tell, he gets sick every time he's on a plane. I stocked up on some AirBourne and am hoping for the best. Disney World isn't going to see me basking in the sun, reading book after book just because I can, and I'm pretty sure Mickey isn't going to mix me a margarita, but I'm looking forward to some family fun.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Music and Lyrics

I love to listen to music. All kinds of music. I have over 2000 songs on my iPod (I have a Classic so I have room to add more), and over 400 on my favorites list (yes I recognize that I have an editing issue). I have yoga songs, classical, Broadway, alternative, 80s, country, pretty much anything you can think of, it is represented on my iPod. I tend towards eclectic and alt country (REM, Indigo Girls and Wilco), and don't know a whole lot about what the cool teenagers are listening to now.

But my kids are starting to hear songs in places other than mommy's car, and are getting their own opinions about music. They also know mommy has an iTunes account and can buy songs they like. I made the mistake of adding the High School Musical collection last year, and had those songs in my head on replay for months. Luckily Zee and DJ outgrew that phase. Now we've moved on to Taylor Swift. Initially I was totally fine with that, but now you can't escape that girl's songs, and I can't play those anymore or I will totally lose it. When I walked into Montessori to pick Zee up yesterday, the entire 3-6 year old classroom was dancing to the Black Eyed Peas. Today, Beyonce and Lady Gaga. I'm not so sure how I feel about that...

We have to be careful now because these kids aren't mindlessly bobbing their heads to the tunes, they are listening to the words. Now Zee is wandering the house singing "All the single ladies" and DJ told me that Lady Gaga says something totally inappropriate in one of her songs. Yeah, like that's news to me. My husband never listens to lyrics, and was surprised when I said I didn't think he should play Lola by the Kinks anymore unless he wants to answer some tough questions. He honestly had no clue what that song was about! I believe it's much easier to try to explain the main theme of Romeo and Juliet (thanks Taylor) than why Lola "walks like a woman and talks like a man." I know eventually they will think every song I like is lame and old-ladyish, just the way I felt about the music my parents used to like. For now I can try to instill a sense of appreciation for all types of music before I have to start yelling at them to turn that noise down.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I Think I Can('t)

When I started doing yoga 3 years ago, ardha chandrasana B (half-moon B) was my nemesis. I didn't have the core strength to hold up my center with only one leg and one arm on the ground, and I would wobble and fall repeatedly. I had to work hard to keep trying and not huff and puff in frustration and anger at myself for being weak. My teachers kept saying "falling is part of the process." I was finally able to hear that, and also over time, able to do the pose. Then last year, a teacher introduced bound half-moon B in class. Aarrgh, a brand new nemesis! I couldn't even conceive of how I would get my leg off the ground, but I was able to laugh as I popped my leg up a couple of inches for a second or two, and fell over repeatedly.

A couple of days ago in class, we were doing a very challenging bound sequence, and we went from bird of paradise (another of my nemeses!) to bound side angle, then my teacher told us to pick up our back leg. On side one, I got it up a passable amount, and as I wobbled there, I suddenly had the thought "hey, isn't this bound half-moon B?" but then it was time to move to the next pose. On side 2, she called it by it's name. And I couldn't get my leg up off the ground. Now, granted, each side is a new start, and you can't expect to do things well on both sides, but I think it was more than that. I think my brain got stuck in the fact that I can't do a bound half-moon pose. And because I thought "I can't," I couldn't. Huh.

We all know the story of The Little Engine That Could. A lovely little tale of trying your best and finding success against the odds. In that story, the engine used the mantra "I think I can, I think I can," and by gosh, he could! Well, the opposite works, too, you know. If you think you can't, there's no way you'll ever be able to. I love when a lesson learned on the yoga mat translates into real life. I am working more on the I can (someday!), and leaving the I can'ts in a pile on the floor. I can brush them off when I get up from falling on my umpteenth try at bound half-moon B...


I can't find a photo of the bound version, but here is Half-Moon B. http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/784

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

We live in a relatively anonymous world today. I know, it doesn't seem that way since we're all on Facebook, and blogging or tweeting about every detail of our cats' lives ;) but we don't have a lot of conversations anymore. People avoid eye contact in the elevator, we text instead of call, and a lot of personal questions make us really uncomfortable. Or at least they make ME uncomfortable. I have been pretty old school about my privacy at work. Patients have a general idea of the area I live in, and some of them know I have kids, how old they are, etc. But just try to get an honest answer from me to the question "How are you today?" But I don't believe anyone really wants an honest answer, now do they? Of course I do, but that's kind of my job...

I tend to be kind of shy in my personal life. I get uncomfortable when meeting new people, I worry what they'll think of me, you know, social anxiety 101 here. I have been trying to make more conversation and personal interaction as I go about my day. I will chitchat with the grocery checker, or comment on the weather with the barista, you get the idea. It doesn't come easily, but I feel a little better for having done it, and a couple of times I've been surprised by the super nice people I've talked with. Like the lovely check out woman at the Trader Joe's last week. She just seemed really genuine and put out a great vibe. I left there with vegan minestrone soup and a smile.

Chitchat doesn't always lead to lasting impressions, though. But, I am a creature of habit, and every Monday and Friday I go to one Starbucks, every Tuesday and Thursday another, and the same people work there a lot of the time. I have been keeping this schedule for quite some time now, but last week for the first time, the barista recognized me... He leaned over the bar as I came up to order and asked if I take water in my soy chai or not. Be still my heart, he recognized me! Now, I'm not in love with the barista, but I felt oddly comforted that I was not a random anonymous customer. He has Seen me. Huh. Maybe it's the great vibe I'm putting out there?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Piano

My children have been taking piano lessons since August. DJ is 8 now, and Zee is turning 6 next week. So they are in different places as far as being able to read music and understand fingering, etc. The piano teacher is a lovely Russian woman, about the age of my mom. She is the right combo of strict and empathic, so when she tells them they're doing something wrong, nobody cries. She can be pretty intense, though! She thinks DJ is the bees' knees (as do most teachers of any kind). Zee has tried her patience on more than one occasion, and after the last lesson she told me "She is so moody! Like a woman!" Ok, so it's not just me, then.


In the last few weeks, Zee has finally started to get it. She is wanting to practice more, and is proud of her own accomplishments. It is fun to watch. She needs help practicing because her songs are getting more challenging, and the theory work is tough, especially for someone who is just learning to read. But, she does not want me to help her. Ever. Not even a little bit. I'm the only one in the house that can now show her the theory (except her brother, and he's sooo not going there), and she fights me on every turn. Suddenly she doesn't remember what letter comes after C, she can't tell me any notes, and she absolutely refuses to put the right fingers on the keys! She tries to pull some of this with Mrs. Teacher, who will have none of it. I hear Zee make a mistake, and get frustrated, Mrs. Teacher follows with "I KNOW Zee, I don't like it either!"


DJ, on the other hand, can sight read almost anything she gives him now, and his lessons keep getting longer and longer. She had him at it for 45 minutes this week (we pay for a 30 minute lesson). She has told me several times "He is perfection!" He really seems to enjoy playing as well. I hope he didn't inherit my lazy streak, though. I was good at sight reading, then didn't want to practice to perfect the songs. That was hard...


It's not easy to get my own time on the piano these days, but they have sat down to listen to me play a few times. I think it's good for them to see the music, and understand that just because they've learned all the notes, they certainly haven't learned all there is to know about piano.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Girlfriends

I just got back from a lovely evening out with some ladies from work. We had a wonderful time talking about ourselves instead of our patients. We all decided we should do this again soon. But it is often a challenge to get a group of women with kids to go out. We tend by nature to be givers and to put our own needs behind family (I almost didn't go tonight because of my son's basketball practice...). I think a lot of times we mean to get together, we even really want to, but can't seem to arrange our other commitments to schedule anything.

I think it's particularly important for women to have girlfriends. They provide a different perspective on things than a husband can. Al is fantastic, but he just doesn't get it when I tell him I bought skinny jeans, but am not sure I will ever have the guts to wear them. He also really doesn't understand my need to know where we're going to eat later so I can start to think about what I might order. When I plan a dinner out with my girlfriends, we decide a week ahead of time and email or text about what we might want to get. It's just part of the anticipation!

I have a busy life, like we all do, but I have really missed having close girlfriends nearby. I am going to try to get out more often, to schedule a lunch on a Saturday (gasp!), go out after work (double gasp!) or plan a long weekend in Sanibel with just the girls (ok that may take some selling here at home, but I'll do my best). In the meantime, I love to email, Facebook, text, and keep up in any way I can. That doesn't require a babysitter. Love you ladies!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Crazy Cat Lady




I love cats, it's something you should know about me. Ever since I was a small child I wanted a kitten. I'll spare you my traumatic memory of receiving a realistic-looking stuffed animal cat for Christmas when I was 4, that's between me and Santa. I finally got a real cat when I was 6. Tabby was a lovely calico cat, and lived to be 20. I have had a few others over the years, but now we have Pippin, age 14, Jack age 2, and Baby Reggie who is just 4 months old. I never intended to own 3 cats, I swear. My husband got Reggie for me for Christmas this year, because he truly understands my need for something to cuddle. He's just glad I've never demanded another baby!

Jack and Reggie are half-brothers, and are ragdoll breed cats. That means they go totally limp when you pick them up, and are large, fluffy and very soft. They also fetch, follow us around and greet us at the door. Jack is the kids' cat. He plays with them, builds forts with them, and can't wait until they get home every day. Reggie is now his tiny shadow, getting in his stuff, sitting on him, and starting fights. Just like real brothers. Though they are clearly animals, they have very different personalities. Yes, I do know they are animals and don't speak English. That doesn't stop me from talking to them, greeting them when they enter a room, making up songs about them, and telling the kids to ask them if they've seen whatever toy they are currently missing. That's when I get reminded "MOM, they're cats. They don't understand you!" Oh, I think they do...

Cats live very much in the moment. They nap whenever and wherever they feel like laying down, and have the half-lidded Buddha gaze down to a science. They will joyfully play with anything they can find, and are master yogis, stretching and contorting a million ways. Our cats are fascinated by yoga time, rubbing my head in downward facing dog, attacking my leg in chaturanga, and just staring at me in disbelief in headstand. I think pets are wonderful companions, but we also know they lower our blood pressure and help us live longer, all this has been proven in studies of pet owners. I love to have something to cuddle, but also just love the energy of a cat. So bear with my crazy cat lady tendencies, as there will certainly be cat stories posted alongside family anecdotes, yogic wisdom, and my random musings on this blog.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Baggage

I had a full day of yoga teacher training today, so I'm in a deep thoughts kind of place. Our focus was the Yoga Sutras, and it was a lovely reminder of the spiritual reasons we practice. The first several sutras explain how yoga works. Please allow a very brief summary: Yoga quiets the mind so we can recognize our true nature, joy. Otherwise, our minds identify with our ego, and we see only a distorted image of our true selves. So in a nutshell, our divine nature is obscured by our own personal baggage. We all remember the things said about us, or to us, as children, or even last week. We remember that time we got picked last in gym class, had a zit on picture day, or didn't get asked to the prom. We recognize ourselves as that smart girl, that pretty girl (those are the good ones), or, more likely, as the fat girl, the non-athletic girl, the girl who can't do anything right. This inner name-calling affects us unconsciously, and often prevents us from trying new things.

Yoga class is a place we can come to and be fully ourselves, as my teacher Silvia said today. We can focus on our own practice, be with our own breath, and forget all the labels and roles we hang onto so tightly in our lives. I came to yoga class early in treatment for a progressive illness. I had lived a year in fear that eventually I would not be able to physically care for my kids. I was starting to respond to treatments, and went into that yoga class after practicing for a few months on my own with some DVDs and books. At the end of class, the teacher asked us to bring our mats to the wall for (drum roll please) HANDSTAND. I don't have any idea why, but I had come to this class with an open mind and was ready to try. And I did it. Ok, for a few seconds with the wall holding me up, but it was fantastic. There began my love-affair with yoga.

Now I have classes where I don't think once about where I've come from (a non-athletic kid, an adult with a now well-controlled illness), and there are classes where I convince myself that I can't possibly do everything I've been asked to do, and never could dream of getting into that arm balance. But those days are fewer and farther between. I am shifting the paradigm, if you can tolerate that over-used phrase! I am strong and capable. I can cope with adversity. And so can you. No matter what baggage you're lugging along behind you!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Time Management

I hate to be late. For anything. But especially when people are expecting me. So, appointments for myself or my kids, meetings, parties, airplanes, I tend to leave much earlier than necessary (my husband agrees, and luckily entertains my madness by leaving for the airport several hours before our flight). I often arrive early, then scout out the nearest coffee shop to kill time. That's better than being late! I realize that I am overly rigid with my schedules, both in my personal life and my work. I may be the only specialist on earth who routinely runs on time for appointments. I'm ok with that, but my patients also understand that I expect them to be on time, too, or plan to reschedule. Otherwise it doesn't work, now does it?

I have been working on being more at peace with the schedule, especially when things are out of my control. I realize (now, at age 30...something) that getting pissy and screaming at the freight train between me and my destination will only raise my blood pressure, and the train really doesn't care. I also try to breathe and be realistic about how much I can accomplish in a certain amount of time. Because I hate to be late, I seem to have developed a tendency to over-estimate the time it takes to get anywhere. Then, if I don't have that pre-conceived amount of time, I start to panic that I will be, you guessed, late. My mantra is now "there IS enough time."

I have also begun to find small snippets of time during my day, when I previously thought I couldn't possibly find the time to... whatever. I read a self-help book (ohhh, I love the self-help genre) that recommended you write down what you're doing every hour of your day for several days in a row. The premise was that surely you would find at least 30 minutes when you're staring at your navel and could be doing something more healthy or positive for your soul. Since I love to practice what I preach, I am finding those moments. I am using them to read something enjoyable just for me, writing in my journal before bed, blogging :), and practicing yoga, either at home or in class. I hope to uncover some snippets of time when I can plan meals for the week and meditate, but I am a work in progress, and I will keep trying!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Winter Blahs

February really blows. I think we can all agree on that? At least anyone that lives outside of Arizona or California? I hear a lot of complaints that it's hard to get out of bed, hard to get motivated, "I just feel blah." I say, I'm right there with you, and so were the last 20 people I saw today! Depression is a real illness, and Seasonal Affective Disorder is a clinical condition that has a lot of similar symptoms. I also think most of us living in the midwest suffer from some of these symptoms annually.

We have a lot in common with bears this time of year. We prefer to be sedentary, eat comforting foods to put on a little extra fat, and stay indoors. It is harder to do the things that help us feel better, like get some sunshine, exercise and eat right. It is especially hard to maintain a regular sleep and wake schedule, since we'd rather lay in bed well past dawn. I have observed the same things in my kids, by the way. Half the mornings my son starts crying when I go in to wake him up at 7am. "I'm TIRED, mom!" Again, I'm right there with you. Now get up, before I start crying, too!

I have had a harder time getting into a vigorous yoga practice. I have a bunch of miscellaneous aches and pains, I'm tired, and I can't get enough carbs. Mmmm carbs. It is good to take it slower in the winter, but I have a hard time determining if I need to step it up to boost my energy, or if my body is saying slow down for crying out loud and let me rest. So I was pushing it for a few weeks, and ended up feeling really wiped out. The last couple of weeks I have taken a few days off from the tough classes, and have kept my home practice more grounding. Seated asanas and forward folds following a moderate series of standing poses is enough. I follow this with a grande soy chai latte, and later in the afternoon have a couple of squares of dark chocolate. I don't know that those things are "clinically" helpful, but I sure look forward to them!

I am trying to listen to what I need right now, and trust that I'll be ready to bounce out of the cave when spring arrives.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day

I had a lovely Valentine's Day. I was excited to get red roses (after I texted my husband a hint on Friday that girls at the office got flowers), and chocolates (which I guess I have to share). I know the holiday is commercialism at its worst, I know it's a Hallmark holiday and all that, but I love a good excuse to get a present. Especially something that smells and/or tastes good!

My husband and I have a mutual understanding about greeting cards. He doesn't like them, I feel the need to get him one, and therefore choose one with as few words as possible. He opens it, reads it, and keeps it for at least 24 hours. In turn, he knows I expect a card, and he does his best to read through them to find a good one. But he does usually go for the ones tagged as "simply put." That means there are no more than 3 sentences of text, by the way. This year, he found a particularly lovely one. It said only "I remember the days before you, but can't imagine another one without. Happy Valentine's Day." So simply put, so perfect :) I think I'll keep him.

I also select the cards for our children. Zee is easy. Valentine's Day is made for girls, and small girls love anything pink and frilly, and if it can include a small furry animal, it's the greatest thing ever. So a kitten in a tiara on the front, and my work is done! My son, as an 8 year old dude, is way too cool for any love talk. So I hunted through the babyish trains, Snoopys and cartoon tigers until I found the one and only Pokemon Valentine card. Yep. It had a Pikachu on the front. It will get harder, but I'm sure he'll still like the chocolates at least!

All in all it was a fine day, ended in the best way, with a heart-shaped pizza from Giordano's. Tomorrow back to work. I always forget about these throw-away holidays like President's Day, and don't book myself a day off. So, a full schedule after a weekend on call. But at least I can have chocolates for breakfast!

Janeen

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Early Morning

I should remember by now that staying up late on a Friday night does NOT mean I will get to sleep in on Saturday mornings, especially if I'm on call for our group practice. So, I got an ER page at 6:20am, the time I would get out of bed during the week anyway. I tried to fall back to sleep, but my husband has a cold and was snoring like a lumberjack, so I came downstairs for a little quiet time. My hungry kitten played his favorite game of let's try to trip the human and send her falling to her death, but I fed him anyway. I had visions of checking email then doing a gentle yoga sequence before the day really gets going.

About 5 minutes later I heard a loud beeping noise, and couldn't figure out what it was. Then my daughter Zee started yelling for me. Apparently, she played with her Cinderella alarm clock last night before bed and set the alarm. For 715am. I'm so glad it wasn't for 315am! That successfully woke my son, and here we all are at 725. (Except for my husband, who is still happily snoozing upstairs.) Now the requests for pancakes begin. With, or without, chocolate chips. That's the important question.

The kids explained they're starving, then ran downstairs to play. 20 minutes of yoga for me! (For an excellent description of poses, see yogajournal.com website.) I needed some gentle lower back stretching and some major hip opening. I started with a little alternate nostril breathing (always good for a busy Saturday), then some cat/cow spinal tilts, twisted puppy pose to open my shoulders, followed by a lovely child's pose (which was complicated by the kitten crawling under my chest and trying to play with the zipper pull on my sweatshirt). I warmed up my spine more with half sun salutations, followed by a few rounds of sun salutation C. Only a few standing poses today, low lunge and wide legged standing forward fold. Lowering my knees, I held frog pose to open my hips, then went into my favorite seated series: gomukhasana, ardha matsyendrasana, fire log/double pigeon. Topped off with a happy baby and a short savasana, I am feeling ready to make those pancakes!

Janeen

Friday, February 12, 2010

My First Post!

It has been my tendency to over-analyze things to death in my life, and it has taken me literally months of pre-contemplation, contemplation, and now (finally!) action to start my blog. I am a former prolific writer, and have said for years that medical school sapped any creative impulse from my soul. Honestly, the last poem I wrote was the first week of medical school! I began a journal again last year after attending a "Yoga and Journaling" workshop, and I'm a nearly-compulsive Facebook updater. So, one of those is totally private, the other is a small "tweet" of my life and thoughts. I am ready to write, think, and be myself on here. At least I think I am.

I'm excited to begin this blog, and see where it takes me. I have a lot of ideas, and hope I can let my Self shine through. My journal has been great practice, but the last things I wrote for anyone else to read did NOT come off as I'd hoped. I wrote an article about Seasonal Affective Disorder when I started in private practice, and my husband previewed it. His comment was that it was so clinical and dry, he got the facts but was not interested... ouch. Then I had to write a few pages to apply for a yoga teacher training program. Totally different context this time, but his review again was that it was dry, he got nothing "personal" from me, even though it was all about me! This comes back to the "I'm not sure how to be myself or who that even is" point of this whole experience.

I don't have an agenda. I am passionate about yoga, mental health care, and my family. All of these topics will likely come up in this blog. I have no interest in being Dr. Janeen here, or mom, or yoga teacher, I just want to be Janeen. And I hope to find out who that is again. I think we all pursue so many roles in our lives, we present a different front in each situation, and it can be hard to remember what's in our heart. So that's where I'm starting from.

Janeen