I am making changes at work, getting ready to begin a new style of treatment. It's been a busy time, and I've been worrying a lot about how this will go. I am also trying to think of a name for my combination of yoga, mindfulness and psychiatry, but I've been frustrated because I can't come up with something that fits. I have been feeling stressed, for sure. This transition at work is coming at the same time as a transition in the weather, and all these changes at once stir the jumbled pot of thoughts in my head. I am thinking constantly!
Our minds are always at work, of course, but sometimes it's easier to see the space between the thoughts. Right now, I feel bombarded by questions. I get up in the morning and ask myself what I should wear, whether I need to wash my hair, what I should eat for breakfast (then think about lunch and dinner), and on and on and on. This goes on in the shower, while I'm driving, even when I'm doing yoga, if I'm completely honest. Oh, that's bad, if my usual quiet place is being disturbed by all this thinking!
So the questions are buzzing around my head, but I find I'm not able to confidently answer any of them. Even the simplest seem beyond me. I doubt myself after I finally grab something to wear, and I'm reading about 4 different books right now. I can say I'm not really getting much from any of them! The questions are constant, but the answers aren't forthcoming. I finally pulled out my journal last night, after inconsistent writing for the last few weeks, and started to explore what's going on here. I realized after some introspection, and literally writing down every question I'm chewing on right now (this took up about 1/2 a page, for crying out loud!), that I'm not finding answers because I'm not stopping to listen for them. One query leads to the next, I'm not breathing or looking for a pause between them to see what comes up. I can't hear my Self respond because of all the chatter.
So as I thought last night about my morning practice, whether I should go to my usual yoga class before work, or practice at home. Then I listened. I didn't get a hard and fast answer, but I recognized that I didn't need to decide right then. In fact, I couldn't possibly know how I would feel in the morning, so I needed to wait. I hate waiting :) but I did it. This morning I woke up and scanned my body and felt achy and stiff. Clearly, not a day for a vigorous practice. I went to the kitchen to look at breakfast options and thought about what I actually wanted to eat, not what was fastest or easiest or what only had a day left before it expires. I felt good after eating, because I paused and realized when I'd had enough, too.
Now, obviously these are the simple questions so far. I'm hoping the listening can go deeper. I am still looking for the right name for my therapy, and I feel like it's there inside me, I just can't hear it yet. I will be sitting more quietly, letting go of the next question while I answer the first one, and maybe the more profound insights can bubble to the top.