No Happy Pill

Sadness

2011-08-09T12:59:00.003-05:00

Losses take on many forms in our lives. I am dealing with end of life decisions for our 15 year old cat, and feeling so sad about this impending loss. I know we can't expect anyone or anything to be around forever. But I don't believe accepting means denying the pain of parting.

Grief is a normal emotion. We all react in different ways, but the important thing is to allow the grief process to work. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first formulated the Five Stages of Grief in 1969. Like most universal truths, this model has stood the test of time. The stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They are not linear stages, meaning we finish one and move directly to the next, but we may jump ahead, skip back, or miss some entirely. But most of the stages sound familiar and true to anyone who has grieved.

The loss of a pet can't be put on the same level as the loss of a human family member or friend, however, I know my pain is real. I can't deny my sadness, and I won't hide it from my family. My children will also experience sadness and grief, and we will have to help them through this, too. I will tell them to find the feelings of sadness in their body, to breathe into it and allow it to be real. Sadness is not something to avoid or deny. Cry when you want to, remember the good things and talk about them openly, and be gentle with yourself. Grief takes time, and we won't be over it by tomorrow. Together we will remember our cat with fondness, maybe we'll mark her final resting place with a flowering shrub, or a catnip bush. We know she'll have a place in our hearts forever, even though she's no longer with us.

What's Your Focus?

2011-08-08T16:56:00.007-05:00

Last Friday I had a nice day. I was off work, and got to do some things for myself. Since I'm trying to be more disciplined about journaling, I finished the night by sitting down to write. The first thing on my mind was an unresolved issue that I've been worrying about. I started to write about this at length, getting into details about what might happen, how things could go wrong, and how upset I would be. That led me to think about my frustration with someone I felt wasn't doing as much as they could to resolve the situation, and I spun on for pages in anger. I finally stopped to take a breath and realized I felt very anxious and upset! How did that happen after such a relaxing day?

Luckily, I recognized my role in creating this mood, and quickly turned the page. Literally. I started my journal entry over and focused on the positive events of the day, how pleased I was to have time to myself, how grateful I was to have friends coming to visit, and my mood became cheerful and relaxed again. The events of my day hadn't changed, and neither had the worrisome situation, but my focus had shifted completely. Staying stuck on the negative, or mired in future worries, I was allowing my mind to create unnecessary drama which made me feel terrible.

So, the real question is, if I can choose my focus, why would I allow my mind to lead me down that path? And the question is just as valid when thinking about journaling or simply the thoughts in my own head. My mood is affected by my thoughts, and my thoughts are under my own control. Therefore... I think you can see where I'm headed here! So do I choose worries and anxiety, or negativity and anger, or can I look for the silver lining? I'm not saying my worries are invalid, or that my anger is unjustified. But I can choose to evaluate them and decide how to respond, rather than allowing them to spin uncontrollably through my head, affecting my emotions and behaviour.

It takes work to look for the positive, especially with all the bad news around us. I choose to practice gratitude, and that often allows me to reset my perspective. Some days I'm grateful for a roof over my head and enough food to eat. Other days, my list can go on and on. Either way, I start to focus back in a positive direction, and I notice the shift in how I feel. Try it yourself. If you notice your thoughts spinning in an anxious or negative direction, turn the page. Think of 5 things you are grateful for today, and allow your mind to really feel that gratitude. If you're journaling, end each entry with something positive, or write down your gratitude list. How can you shift your focus today?

The Little Things

2011-07-07T10:14:00.002-05:00

I often hear from patients that they don't have time for anything else in their busy schedules. They are usually reacting against my recommendation to do something positive and healthy for themselves, which isn't as high a priority as it should be for most of us! But what if there were really great things we could do that only took a few minutes of time? Things that could help us relax, or improve our mood, or become more present? Maybe we can create enough little moments of self-care throughout the day, that add up to a big shift in how we feel.

Here are a few of my favorite Little Things:

1. Take a deep breath. Unconscious, shallow breathing is the norm for most of us. Let's face it, we suffer from a lot of stress in modern society, and stress leads to faster breathing, a rapid heart rate, and classic fight or flight symptoms to a greater or lesser degree. The fastest way to reverse this effect is to use the body's natural relaxation response, which can be triggered by a nice deep belly breath. Close your eyes, inhale fully through your nose, and slowly exhale a big sigh through your mouth. On your next breath in, take a deep slow inhale through the nose, expanding into the area below your navel first. Exhale slowly and completely through the nose. Repeat 2-3 times, several times throughout your day, or anytime you start to feel stressed. Your body will remember this relaxed feeling, and you will be able to return to that calm anytime. Your breath is always with you!

2. Turn around negative thinking. Take a few moments to examine your thoughts. Are they pessimistic, blaming, or critical? If so, there's no doubt your mood has changed to match the words in your head! Now, really look at the thoughts. They have likely expanded into something far worse than actual reality, so try to gently nudge your inner dialogue back towards the truth. If you are focused on all the possible bad outcomes of your day, list some things that have gone right. If all you can see is bad luck and bad choices, find something for which you're grateful in your life right now. This is the simplest example of cognitive therapy, but for most of us, it is enough to remind ourselves to come back to the positive, and it only takes a few moments!

3. Come back to the present. I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking, worrying, planning, so much so that I miss things right in front of me sometimes! I am trying to add small moments of mindfulness throughout the day to remind myself to stay present. The easiest way to do this is to let go of the thoughts, and come into the physical body. Specifically, take some deep breaths and feel the sensations of your feet on the ground. Really sense the chair supporting your back, your clothing touching your skin, and the breath moving in your body. In this practice, there is no room for the past or future, only right now. I may forget again later, but it only takes a few seconds of focus to come back to the present, again and again.

4. Stand up and stretch. We are a sedentary society, and a lot of our technology creates bad posture that can lead to physical discomfort (think the hunched shoulders and head hanging forward pose in front of the computer!). Studies have shown that sitting too much is a risk to our health, so it makes sense to stand up at least once an hour. Add to that a delicious stretch, like the Mountain Breath, and feel your energy start to return, your body waking up again. To do the pose: Stand tall in Mountain Pose, with your feet hips distance apart and parallel, your shoulders directly over your hips, your hips directly over your heels. Let your head float atop your neck, with your chin slightly tucked. Allow your hands to hang heavy, straight down from your shoulders. On your next inhale, sweep your arms out and up overhead, reaching the highest point at the top of your inhale. Look up for a slight back bend if that feels comfortable, then slowly lower your arms out and down to your sides on your next exhale. Repeat 4-5 times, using the breath to guide the movement, filling every motion with your inhale or exhale. Finish standing in Mountain Pose, sensing the energy shift in your body.

All of these simple techniques have the same goal: to return to our natural state of contentment. The 4 Little Things are always available, with no special equipment required. All we need is the breath, the mind, the present moment and the body to remind ourselves that our true nature is always there for us. A few minutes a day really can make a difference!

Timely Observations

2011-06-27T15:00:00.004-05:00

I am typically punctual to a fault. I am more likely to arrive early than late, and have been known to hyperventilate the entire drive to an appointment if I'm running behind. I always wear a watch and I have several clocks in my office so the time is never out of sight. It shouldn't be too surprising that I often feel short of time. My fixation on the clock hands keeps me on schedule, which is often a good thing. My patients and hair dresser and yoga teachers appreciate punctuality. However, there can certainly be too much of a good thing.

I went on vacation with my family a couple of weeks ago. It was a wonderful, relaxing beach trip without much of a schedule. Since we were around all that sand and water, it didn't seem like a good idea to wear my watch... so I left it in the room. The first few hours I noticed myself glancing at my wrist, wondering what time it was. As the day progressed, that happened less and less. By the end of the week, our schedule was mostly dictated by our own inner clocks. We woke up when we were done sleeping, we ate when we were hungry, and rested when we were tired. There were times we noticed it was quite late to be sitting down to lunch, so the thoughts about an accepted daily schedule were still there. But why would we eat when we weren't actually hungry? Does the time on the clock really get to dictate things our bodies truly know best? It had been a long time since I was really able to recognize those internal cues, since I was so focused on whether it was dinner time.

I have since noticed other situations when the clock is hindering me, rather than helping. One of the biggest ones is when I'm driving somewhere. If I leave slightly late, I spend the entire drive looking at the clock over and over again, worrying whether the stop light is going to add an extra 2 or 3 minutes, and what that means for my arrival. I came to the realization (you'll laugh, this is so obvious) that the time doesn't matter if I can't do anything to get there faster. Traffic, stop lights, construction, the weather, these are uncontrollable variables that will affect my transit time whether I'm running late or not. Looking at the clock is distracting and doesn't make me move any faster, so why not let it go and just drive safely? The time doesn't matter.

The middle of the night is the other time I have learned to let go of the clock. I wake up during the night almost every night. I used to always immediately look at the clock. If it was early, phew, I have 4 more hours to sleep! If it was already 500am, it was a disaster. My mind would go into catastrophe mode, worrying that if it took me 10 minutes to fall asleep I'd only have 50 minutes left to rest, or what if I didn't fall back to sleep, that means I'm an hour short, on and on until I was wide awake and anxious to boot. Then I read an article that talked about digital clocks, and how the bright light of the numbers actually tricks the brain into thinking it's daytime. I turned the clock away from me at night and started to sleep better right away. Then I came to another realization: it doesn't matter what time I wake up at night. Whether it's 2am or 5am, I should calm my brain and try to go back to sleep right away. Maybe I only get another 30 minutes before the alarm goes off, but that 30 minutes can make a difference. I can guarantee I won't get that extra rest if I start to stare at the clock!

Clearly we need the structure of time in many situations. We couldn't have a developed society without some type of schedule. However, there are also many times the clock doesn't need to matter so much. I find I'm much more at ease if I don't look at the clock. The initial tension of being without my watch eventually gets replaced by freedom and a better sense of my own internal cues. The only time that truly matters is the present, anyway, and no clock on earth will direct to my own mindful presence. I am looking for peace in letting go of the hour and focusing on the moment.

What's Next?

2011-05-25T08:55:00.003-05:00

This time of year gets busy for a lot of us. School is ending, and spring sports are in full swing. It seems there's something on the calendar every day, on top of all the usual stuff! It can get very overwhelming. I know I've stared at the family calendar and wondered how on earth we were all going to get where we needed to be, let alone be in clean clothes and have food in our bellies. I've learned some ways to keep my sanity when the commitments pile up, the trick is to use them myself, rather than just offering them as advice to others...

1. Prioritize. I know there are things that have to get done today, and things that can wait. I found a brilliant to-do app for my iPhone that helped me think of things differently. You get to prioritize your list according to what has to be done today, and the rest can be put off until tomorrow. It actually moves the items to the next day's list, so they're not sitting there staring at you, making you feel guilty. It even allows you to create a "long-term" list of things to do someday in the future. So, technology neatly gives me permission to label some things as more important than others. If only our brains allowed us the freedom.

2. Cut corners. Not everything has to be done perfectly all the time. This one is particularly hard for us type-A personalities, because I am actually advocating doing things half-way. Or even less! Buy the pre-cut carrots. Sweep under the table but leave the rest of the floors for a less busy day. Be at peace with the messy mud room, because it really doesn't matter in the long run. Eventually things will settle down and you can return to your usual standards, but when something has to give, the extra housework can wait.

3. Plan ahead. I keep a calendar so I know what's coming up. I can ask for help the days I need to be in 2 places at once, and buy the cookies I volunteered to bring to baseball ahead of time. I would love to say I have fully prepared meals waiting in the freezer to be pulled out when I'm too busy to cook, but that's on my "someday" to do list. That is clearly a fantastic idea, though!

4. Plan to say no. There are a lot of demands on the whole family. The kids could be in a different activity every day, and I could drive or volunteer at every one of them after work. However, eventually I have to start saying no. After all, one more sport isn't just one more hour a week, is it? Let's practice a few helpful phrases: "I am not be able to volunteer this week, but I will put it on my calendar for next month." "No, I am not able to head the planning committee of whatever next year." No excuses, no I'm sorries, just no in a polite but firm way. It can be very liberating!

5. Take care of yourself. When I'm busy, the first things I'm likely to ditch are my own needs. I eat on the run, stay up too late and my yoga and meditation practice becomes an after thought. Eventually it catches up to me, and I notice my irritable mood and impatience in every area of my life. We are taught to give and think of others' needs first. But if I am not grounded and healthy, I am not able to give my best to anyone else.

6. Just do the next right thing. I got this lovely gem from a person in recovery. It works for people overcoming addiction, and it will work well for the rest of us, too. When I see the tasks before me, it's easy to become overwhelmed. If I remind myself of this phrase, I realize that I can't do everything at once, I have to choose one thing. Also, I don't have to choose the right thing, only the next one. I get to choose again later. I can work my way through my tasks knowing I'm making the best decisions.

Every day is a new chance to do the next right thing, so I'm moving forward instead of beating myself up for allowing myself to lose sight of some of these ideas. I will start by keeping mindful today. The right things are so much easier to recognize if I've kept myself grounded and present!

It's All in Your Head

2011-04-19T14:52:00.004-05:00

Have you ever misread a situation and created a whole big drama in your head that later turned out to be false? Our human minds are constantly at work, trying to explain the world around us. Thoughts come at us from all directions, defining situations or people as good or bad, judging everything so we can form a conclusion that makes sense of it all. We use our knowledge, however it was obtained, to help us decide how to feel about things. So we feel good or bad about any given situation based on our thoughts.

That makes great sense in theory, but it's not so simple when we're busy living our lives. For example, I just picked up the dry cleaning, and there was an envelope attached to it. My thoughts immediately went like this: envelope=bad news, they're closing, I will have to call the neighbor and see who their dry cleaner is, I don't have time for this, . All this before even opening it. So, of course it was no big deal, the dry cleaner was just giving information about their services, but my thoughts had already created a catastrophe that sapped my energy and good mood. An envelope is not inherently bad, but my thoughts judged it to be so, and my emotional state dove right in, despite multiple other logical scenarios.

Other times our thoughts create a long-standing judgement that affects us on a regular basis. I saw a patient yesterday who is often on call for work. When he is on call, he works 24 hours a day responding to technical emergencies. He regards his pager as a curse. I can't say I blame him, because I have my own emotional reaction to a pager beeping. We explored his thoughts and feelings about his job to see if we could change his emotional state. He likes his job, which provides the livelihood for his family. His pager could be a reminder that he is employed by a company he likes, doing work he enjoys, or it could be a reason to become anxious and upset because it might go off at any time. The pager hasn't changed, but the thoughts and emotional reactions to it have.

So how can we patrol our thoughts to keep them from ruling our mood?

1. Remain mindful.

Like a lot of people, I live on autopilot. I am multi-tasking and unaware of things going on around me. In this state, my thoughts are as automatic as my fingers on the iPhone. I don't notice the scenery, and I don't notice thoughts until an emotion takes over. Why am I suddenly so irritable? If I'm unconsciously going through my day, I will have no idea. On the flip side, if I take time to check in with each moment, noticing the input from my senses, observing my thoughts and reactions, I can see the conclusion waiting to be jumped before I do it. This makes #2 much easier.

2. Recognize your triggers.
I have unresolved insecurities, and worry whether I'm liked by others. I know this is true, and by remaining conscious of this trigger, I can avoid an emotional pity-party when someone doesn't return my phone call right away. This leads directly to step #3.

3. Evaluate each situation logically.
Remember that every situation, person or thing is not either all good or all bad. Just like my patient's dreaded pager, the emotional label comes from our thoughts. Cognitive therapy advocates an almost "scientific" analysis of our thinking with every emotional state. When a friend doesn't return my call, I start to evaluate possible scenarios. I stay mindful, recall my triggers, and suddenly I can think of other reasons for the delay. I understand that my assumption, that my friend doesn't like me anymore, isn't the only explanation (or even the most logical one!).

Thoughts are powerful, but we can remain in control of our own emotions by staying mindful. Over time, we can be more conscious of the emotional baggage that distracts us from the moment, and we are more steady. Then we get to choose how to react instead of bouncing from crisis to crisis all day long. I am striving for equanimity and balance. I think these steps can lead the way.

What Do You Know?

2011-04-14T08:34:00.005-05:00

How is knowledge formed? We learn about things from books written by experts, or a teacher explains a concept to us in school. We continue our process of learning each day by reading or listening to the news, perhaps we consult with specialists in their fields if we need to learn something specific. We rely a lot on others to provide us with the tools to gain knowledge, and hopefully we recognize that the facts may change over time. New scientific discoveries totally negate previous theories, and we have to update our knowledge base. What about less concrete types of knowledge? I'm thinking of our preferences and dislikes, opinions and social knowledge. I know I don't like beets. Or at least I used to know that. I spent the majority of my life so far believing I am a non-beet-eater. Then I tried one after a friend extolled the virtues of the bright purple root. I have to update my database: beets=good! Now that is obviously a personal preference, and based on my senses. Tastes can change easily over the years, but I easily could've spent my entire life claiming non-beet-eater status if I hadn't tested my previous theory. Then there are other types of "knowledge" that are opinions masquerading as fact. Think of stereotypes or superstitions. Multiple generations in this very country "knew" that people with dark skin were inferior and not due the same rights as people born with light skin. That is the most dramatic example I can think of to illustrate this type of knowledge. A smaller example would be our constant re-learning of what is healthy to eat. Remember when carbs became too awful to even consider consuming? I am fully aware that this is not true, yet I still feel a tinge of guilt whenever I grab a piece of bread from the basket! Lastly is what we know about ourselves. A lot of this self-knowledge is based on sensory input (I have brown hair and blue eyes), but it is colored by what we think other people believe about us and our memories. I know that I am not a beautiful woman, because in grade school I had a bad perm and acne and couldn't hang out with the popular girls. Ok, that was 25 + years ago, but that "knowledge" hangs out in the back of my head affecting my self-worth on a regular basis. I know countless women who know they are fat because someone once said so, even though they now look like a model for Yoga Journal. How do we sort things out and decide what is truly Knowledge? I can easily accept that scientific discoveries happen and former theories are proven untrue. I also know tastes change and that a food or scent or activity that was once unsavory is now pleasurable. Harder to question are the societal and personal opinions that we all accept as fact. I have to listen to my heart and my intuition whenever I am presented with new information. I can evaluate the source, the way it's presented and how it "feels" to me inside. My own thoughts are more difficult to police in this way. Negative thoughts based on distant memories or traumas sneak in without being noticed, and suddenly I'm certain I shouldn't wear that outfit because I'm too old for a mini-skirt. The best method is to constantly notice the running commentary of the mind. I can tune into the negative beliefs and really explore whether they are grounded in reality. I can use my intuition to explore if this knowledge is real, or a sham, and really work to uncover my Self. The more mindful I become, the better I get at discerning the truth, about myself and about the world around me.

Do What's Good for You

2011-04-06T09:30:00.004-05:00

I saw a patient yesterday who explained her very reasonable diet and exercise goals to me. She also told me she has had these goals for many months now, and has yet to start on them. She knows what to do, where to go to do it, and how. But she just can't seem to follow through. Why don't we do what we know is good for us? I think there are a lot of reasons why we procrastinate, avoid and ignore what's in our best interests. Fear of failure would be up there at the top, I think. If I never try, I can't fail, or so the thought process goes. This can hold us back in so many ways, from our health goals to work aspirations to personal growth. People stay in jobs they hate because they might not get the promotion if they try for it. Others stay in lousy relationships because they might not find anyone else. So, the devil you know is safer in their thinking. Fear is a big obstacle for most of us, and there isn't a simple answer to get over it. The guidance of a counselor or coach can help us move forward, even when it's scary. Maybe next on the list is the myth of no time. We can talk ourselves into believing there is not one more minute in the day for another activity. Some days, that may be true, but most of the time things can be shifted, Facebook can be logged off, and the TV reruns can wait. Right? I went to a meditation workshop last weekend, and the teacher asked us straight out "You can commit to meditating for just 10 minutes each day, right?" It sounded so completely reasonable and manageable, we all were nodding and agreeing with him. I planned to sit every morning, yet the next day passed without me getting on my cushion. Finally, as I went up to bed, I remembered his query, and sat down for those 10 minutes. It wasn't at the time I had planned, it pushed back my bedtime, but it felt great. I've been able to find those 10 minutes a day since then. Another roadblock is the fear of commitment. Like my meditation practice, a lot of what's good for us requires daily upkeep. We have to eat right every day, exercise regularly, keep up with our continuing education credits, the list goes on and on. If I start something new, it's one more daily obligation, something I'm forced to do. If I start off thinking that way, of course it will feel like a chore. If I instead focus on the benefits, I can spin this into a positive. Thank goodness I get to exercise every day because it keeps me feeling great! That sounds a lot better. The best answer to why we avoid what's good for us is that we're human. We have a thinking mind that can come with an excuse for anything at all. But, the mind can be trained. My patient and I broke down her goals into bite-sized portions and chose one to start with. Something small and manageable as a first step to prove she doesn't need to be afraid of the change, she indeed does have the time, and the commitment will become a daily habit in no time. I will check in with her in a couple of months, but in the meantime I will work through my own excuses to avoid meditation. I'm so glad I get to start each day in silence, it really helps me stay peaceful throught the day. I think that may work!

Be You

2011-03-29T10:17:00.003-05:00

Last week I listened to the new Lady Gaga song, Born This Way. I mean really listened, to the lyrics and the message. I was so moved by her words about being yourself no matter what. She says early in the song that her mother told her "There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, she said, 'Cause He made you perfect, babe." Oh, if every child in every home heard those words! Lady Gaga refers to a person's skin color and race as well as sexual orientation in her powerful song, telling us all that beliefs about our differences have no foundation. So many of us grow up hating some aspect of ourselves, spending countless years wishing we were different somehow: thinner, blonder, whiter, straighter, it's different for everyone. Does anyone really believe they are perfect the way they are? We are bombarded by messages implying we need to be better somehow, more like the people in the movies or magazines. Articles tell us how we can achieve a better body, ads proclaim we can have whiter teeth and perfect hair, there are even therapists who claim they can change a person's sexual orientation. If all this were true, wouldn't we all be happy? And wouldn't we all look and act exactly the same? Diversity is a word that is used commonly these days. It's interesting because companies want to promote a diverse work force, yet certain groups are routinely discriminated against. Women still earn less than men, people of color are less likely to be top executives and gays aren't allowed to provide benefits for their partners. If we all looked and acted alike, would we all be equal? And would we all be happy, instead of choosing some aspect of ourselves to hate? I don't think there are answers to these questions, but in an age when depression, eating disorders, bullying and suicide are commonplace, I can't help but ponder them. I read a wonderful book recently called "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth. The book is all about feeling emotions and living in the present instead of trying to change or numb ourselves with food. She makes a case over and over for acceptance of what is, be it the body, the situation, or the pain, and that will set us free. Towards the end of the book, she sums things up in a particularly profound way. "When a diabetic tells me that she can't eat what she wants because what she wants will kill her (and therefore she feels deprived), my response is that what will kill her is wanting another life than the one she had, another condition than the one that is hers." Ok, I'm going to leap here and say that Lady Gaga and author Geneen Roth are saying the same thing in very different ways. Be who you are, don't try to change it. Don't hate it or pick at it or obsess because something about you is different from your ideal. In fact, don't believe there is an ideal because people are born with differences that make us unique and special. The differences should be celebrated, not marginalized or used to create a culture of hatred and fear. So, as I've heard Lady Gaga say: Let your freak flag fly. Rejoice in every aspect of your beauty, because we're all perfect.

Shhh... Listen!

2011-03-17T09:10:00.002-05:00

I am making changes at work, getting ready to begin a new style of treatment. It's been a busy time, and I've been worrying a lot about how this will go. I am also trying to think of a name for my combination of yoga, mindfulness and psychiatry, but I've been frustrated because I can't come up with something that fits. I have been feeling stressed, for sure. This transition at work is coming at the same time as a transition in the weather, and all these changes at once stir the jumbled pot of thoughts in my head. I am thinking constantly!

Our minds are always at work, of course, but sometimes it's easier to see the space between the thoughts. Right now, I feel bombarded by questions. I get up in the morning and ask myself what I should wear, whether I need to wash my hair, what I should eat for breakfast (then think about lunch and dinner), and on and on and on. This goes on in the shower, while I'm driving, even when I'm doing yoga, if I'm completely honest. Oh, that's bad, if my usual quiet place is being disturbed by all this thinking!

So the questions are buzzing around my head, but I find I'm not able to confidently answer any of them. Even the simplest seem beyond me. I doubt myself after I finally grab something to wear, and I'm reading about 4 different books right now. I can say I'm not really getting much from any of them! The questions are constant, but the answers aren't forthcoming. I finally pulled out my journal last night, after inconsistent writing for the last few weeks, and started to explore what's going on here. I realized after some introspection, and literally writing down every question I'm chewing on right now (this took up about 1/2 a page, for crying out loud!), that I'm not finding answers because I'm not stopping to listen for them. One query leads to the next, I'm not breathing or looking for a pause between them to see what comes up. I can't hear my Self respond because of all the chatter.

So as I thought last night about my morning practice, whether I should go to my usual yoga class before work, or practice at home. Then I listened. I didn't get a hard and fast answer, but I recognized that I didn't need to decide right then. In fact, I couldn't possibly know how I would feel in the morning, so I needed to wait. I hate waiting :) but I did it. This morning I woke up and scanned my body and felt achy and stiff. Clearly, not a day for a vigorous practice. I went to the kitchen to look at breakfast options and thought about what I actually wanted to eat, not what was fastest or easiest or what only had a day left before it expires. I felt good after eating, because I paused and realized when I'd had enough, too.

Now, obviously these are the simple questions so far. I'm hoping the listening can go deeper. I am still looking for the right name for my therapy, and I feel like it's there inside me, I just can't hear it yet. I will be sitting more quietly, letting go of the next question while I answer the first one, and maybe the more profound insights can bubble to the top.

A.R.C.H.

2011-03-09T08:59:00.002-06:00

I was trying desperately to catch up my continuing ed credits this weekend, and came across an entire month of articles devoted to ethics. Contributions were written by bioethicists, people serving on hospital ethics committees, and even some ethics policy-writers. It was really interesting stuff, because I haven't had to think about some of these issues in a while. The most interesting one for me was written by George Blackwell, PsyD, and it was about how to de-escalate conflict in tense situations. The author was coming from a perspective of helping a hospital team agree on a solution to an ethical dilemma, but the concept he explained seems pretty universally helpful. I tried to Google this and see where it originally came from, but had no luck. I will simply say I did not come up with this beautiful idea, and give thanks and credit to the person who did!

The concept is the ARCH principle. It stands for "Acceptance, Respect, Curiosity and Honesty." It begins with "accepting every person where they are, as they are." We respect a person's right to their own opinion, and show curiosity about how they came to it. Then we open an honest discussion that still follows the other principles. I think it's pretty clear how this could be useful in daily interactions. There are as many different opinions as there are people in the world, eventually we will come up against someone with whom we disagree. My usual tactic is to allow them to speak, maybe make a comment or two, and let the discussion drop because I don't like conflict. Later I'm left feeling empty because I didn't speak my mind. I have seen other tactics that work even less well, where someone starts shouting and calling names to show their disagreement. Neither of these methods results in a fruitful meeting of the minds, and they both leave someone feeling bad.

If we follow these principles, however, we can have a discussion and not end up angry or upset, hopefully. I accept that another person has a different background than I do, and have come by their beliefs in a different way. Right now, we disagree. I respect that they have an opinion, perhaps even a strong one, and they are entitled to it. I show curiosity by asking questions about how they came to this conclusion, trying to learn more about them and their belief-system to be more informed. This in turn shows them I'm interested, and willing to listen. We can discuss things calmly because everyone feels safe in this kind of environment. When we come to points of disagreement, I can honestly say that I understand they have a different opinion, I respect that, but then explain my views, without using language that is harmful. In an ideal situation, they would afford the same ARCH principles toward me. We may never agree on everything, but we will both have learned more about each other, and about another point of view. That kind of knowledge allows me to interact with others in a more intelligent way in the future, too.

I think this principle correlates really well with yogic philosophy. In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the yamas are the first limb of Ashtanga Yoga. They describe the ways we should relate to others in the world. The first 2 of the 5 yamas are ahimsa (non-violence) and satya (truthfulness). The usual "rule of thumb" is that ahimsa, or non-violence, trumps all the others. So, if our honest truth is hurtful, we do not speak it. The ARCH principle gives a simple and modern perspective on these ancient concepts that really speaks to me. We have multiple interactions with people every day, from our family members to our co-workers to the people in line at the grocery store. Reminding ourselves to accept each one of them where they are is a great way to begin any conversation. That alone sets a positive tone for the rest of the interaction, even if there is no disagreement.

Take Care

2011-03-01T14:35:00.003-06:00

I saw a woman yesterday who has a familiar story. She told me about her busy full-time job, her family obligations, her health concerns and all the pressures in her life. We discussed her symptoms, which included poor concentration, tension in the neck and shoulders, irritability and difficulty sleeping. I gently explained that all of her symptoms are classically related to stress.

The human body is programmed to respond to stressful situations in a way that allowed us to survive in ancient times: we recognize a threat and our body gears up for fight or flight. Of course, millions of years ago, we were fighting or fleeing from wild animals. That's rarely the kind of stress we face today. But, our bodies cannot differentiate the threat of attack by tiger or a deadline at work. The physiologic response is the same in either case. A lot of people feel they are under constant pressure, so their sympathetic nervous system (that of the fight or flight response) is always firing. The body is flooded with stress hormones like epinephrine and cortisol which help us to move fast and escape danger, at the expense of mental concentration, rest and digestion. We end up burnt out, finally exhausted physically, but with the mind still racing ahead, worrying about the next day.

So what is the remedy to daily pressure when we can't escape the stresses? We have to work and take care of family, after all. However, too often the priorities are out of sync with our own best health. My patient listed all of her obligations, and said she had no time to get help for herself. She was doing everything for everyone else, including things that could be delegated, and choosing to put herself in last place. I talked to her about reducing the stress response with proven remedies, such as talk therapy, yoga, meditation and massage. I could see her getting anxious trying to insert even one of these things into her schedule. After some problem solving, she was able to come up with a few things she could delegate, or allow to go undone for a day so she could find an hour here and there. She agreed to start meeting with a therapist right away. That's always a good outcome, because I know she'll feel better just having taken the step to put herself first for a change. All too often, though, I will see a patient like this for a follow-up and find out they haven't called the therapist or scheduled the massage or attended the weekly yoga class. And they aren't feeling better.

Why is it so easy to put ourselves behind every other obligation in life? I know from experience, if I'm not healthy and relaxed, everything else I undertake suffers. I bet you've noticed the same thing in your own life. I often say goodbye to people in conversation or email with the words Take Care. We throw this phrase around in casual conversation, and I often say it without thinking what I really mean. Today I recognize when I tell you to take care, I mean put yourself first, thinking of your own physical and emotional needs. So take care, please, and notice the difference you feel in your day.

Detachment

2011-02-23T16:00:00.001-06:00

I've been at a yoga training for 10 days now. It's at a lovely ashram in California that is kind of rustic. I knew there would be things I would have to forego while staying here: wine, chocolate, my own bathroom, as a few examples. I didn't realize there was also a water restriction in place. We were told the first day that we must turn off the shower while we're soaping, then turn on to rinse, etc. That didn't sound so great to me, because I love a long hot shower. You might even say I'm attached to my hot showers.

But a funny thing has happened the longer I've been here. I don't crave Starbucks chai, I don't wish for a glass of wine after dinner, and while I don't relish the shower rules, they have become a total non-issue. I suppose it's like any change in habit or routine. Initially we react strongly, then we notice it less and less, until the new habit becomes our norm.

But, we have to release our grasp on the old in order to embrace the new. If I spent every morning moaning and complaining about the shower, I would constantly be reminded of what I'm lacking. My attachment would continue and certainly a bad attitude would follow! I'm not saying I won't hop into a nice long shower when I return home, but I have felt good about being able to change without huge pain. This can be a lesson for future changes: if I allow what needs to be to unfold, observe and not stay stuck in the past, I will adapt. I will release the attachments to the old and step into the new.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sing out loud

2011-02-16T22:48:00.001-06:00

I am new to the practice of chanting. I have felt the power of a group Om, and I have recently had the opportunity to experience more complex Sanskrit chants. The energy created by a group of voices chanting in unison is incredible. A recent lecture explained that ancient sages taught chants to pass along sacred texts, but also to align the chanter with the spirit of the text and it's meaning. Simply chanting the text by heart opened the singer to enlightenment. Whoa!

But raising our voices doesn't have to include ancient languages to affect our mood. Singing out loud is an uplifting experience. Think of sacred hymns, or national anthems. Something so deeply personal can be revealed in a vocal song. Plus, singing in groups adds a social aspect, engaging members in a complete community effort. Then everyone is working together toward a common goal.

But the best singing is often done where no one else can hear. There's nothing wrong with that, because the act of singing itself has benefits. When we sing, we must start with a deep inhale. As we vocalize, we lengthen and slow the exhale to produce the tones. These are the same breathing techniques taught to calm anxiety. We increase the capacity of the breath, and calm the nervous system with deep belly breathing and lengthening the exhale. The next time you feel anxious or short of breath, try singing a simple song, or chanting a long Om. The calming effect can be felt quickly, and will be music to your ears.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Emotional Body

2011-02-09T08:58:00.002-06:00

Feelings come and go throughout the day. I may get angry at someone who cuts me off in traffic only to feel happy when I get to work and find cookies in the kitchen. Some feelings stay with us longer, though, especially if they're tied to negative events in our lives. The anger over a betrayal by a friend or loved one can stay lurking around for years. But where do our emotions lie? Are they simply our thoughts, in our heads? Or do they take root in the body? I know from yoga classes that certain poses can evoke an emotional response. Back bends create a happy, energetic feeling, while hip openers can trigger tears or anger. Where do these emotions come from when my mind is not thinking about anything in particular? Maybe my body knows something my mind hasn't figured out yet.

Maybe you've experienced sadness as a hollow pit in the stomach, or fear as a tension in the chest. We know emotions create a physical response. When we're afraid, stress hormones are released, our blood pressure and heart rate change and muscles tighten up. There are noticeable effects in the moment. But then a few minutes pass, and our breathing slows again, we release the tension and start to return to a more normal physical state. We have a mental memory of the fear, but can the body "remember" too? If you try to remember a time you felt fear, can you feel that same tension in the chest? Does your body still have a memory of that event? I never tried this until recently, and was amazed to discover the physical sensations that came with memories. The anger in my solar plexus, the sadness in my throat, how had I never noticed this before?

I have spent a lot of time hiding emotions. To open up to "negative" emotions like anger and sadness creates a vulnerability I couldn't handle so I would stuff the feelings and ignore them. Well, that energy had to go somewhere. I have read about sitting with emotions, breathing into the feelings and actually living in sadness, or anger, or whatever is coming up. Then the energy can naturally dissipate as it should, without coming back to haunt the body or mind years down the road. This can also be done with past events. I can look back on times of sadness and fear, I remember them in my head, but if I really pay attention, I can feel them in my body, too. Then I breathe into the sensation, I allow it all to happen without stuffing or running away. It is difficult, it leaves me raw and open. But the sense of lightness and peace afterwards is truly amazing.

This is challenging emotional work, and best done with the supervision of a trained therapist if you have a history of trauma or abuse. The power of the memory is obvious, but allowing and recognizing the physical sensations adds an intensity that can be disarming. In the long run, that is my goal, though. To disarm. I hope to lay down my defenses that no longer serve me and allow myself to open up to grace. Practicing feeling and acknowledging my emotions is a start. Sensing their place in my body acknowledges that I am a whole being, not just my thoughts or emotions. My body is not just a vehicle for my mind, after all, it is the container for the soul.

Too Much Stuff

2011-02-01T13:09:00.002-06:00

Every January, a friend of mine posts an invitation to the "Month of 100 Things" on Facebook. It is a call to donate, recycle or otherwise dispose of 100 things we no longer need. I never find this too challenging, because I am the opposite of a pack rat. I can easily donate clothes we no longer wear, toys that are no longer played with, and books that I won't reread. The challenge for me is to not fill the emptied space with a bunch more stuff. I am not an excessive shopper, but I like to buy clothes, shoes, books, and toys for my kids. I know we have plenty, and possibly even way too much stuff, yet we always seem to accumulate more. I also recognize that it feels good to purchase something I like. I like getting rid of 100 things every January, but I see that it's pretty scary that I have 100 things I can easily part with!

I was recently reading a translation of the Yoga Sutras in Desikachar's book, The Heart of Yoga, and I was struck by sutra 2.7: "Excessive attachment is based on the assumption that it will contribute to everlasting happiness." I interpret this to mean that we are searching for happiness from our stuff, believing it will take away the pain of everyday life. We find it difficult to part with things (or to stop getting more things) because, for a short time, something new makes us excited again. The new toy is always played with the most, but it will eventually end up forgotten at the bottom of the toy box. Once the newness has worn off, we are no longer interested. We feel the same old feelings of loneliness or isolation, sadness or irritability. What do we do? We go shopping for something to make us feel better again. But everything loses its luster over time, even people. We age, our bodies and faces look different, and not in a good way. It happens to all of us, yet as a society we spend so much time and money trying to fight against it. We try to keep our external appearance shiny and new, just as we search for the newest car or phone to fill us up again. We keep looking and looking outside, we buy and buy and yet we aren't satisfied.

I think this sutra is pointing out that we aren't happy because we are looking in the wrong place for fulfillment. Yoga teaches us that inside, we are all whole. Instead of facing outward, searching for pleasure and avoiding pain, we need to turn inward. Our true essence at its core is perfect, in every one of us. When we attach to stuff, we lose sight of our own capacity for joy. I don't need a new iPad to feel content, peace is always with me if I choose to access it. I can sit quietly, listening to the wisdom of my own heart. I can allow this moment to be, without wishing it were something else. I can open to the universe and feel a part of it all. I can do all this anywhere, I don't need a new cushion or special chime to find bliss. I recognize that I have all I need, and I can continue to work on releasing the itch to acquire more.

Accepting it all

2011-01-24T09:24:00.002-06:00

I have written before about my ongoing struggle with acceptance. This weekend caused me to think about it again, as I dealt with cold weather, loss of sleep and work crises. I became more irritable as the weekend went on, culminating in a serious bad mood when the Bears lost yesterday. Why did I feel so out of whack? I started to take a good look at my thoughts and realized I'd fallen into my old pattern. During challenges, I tend to really really wish things were different than they are. I walk outside in the winter and think if only it were warmer. Or I wish the Bears defense would play better. Or I hold a long pose in yoga class and grit my teeth, wishing we could only straighten our legs! My mind grasps at what it would prefer, rather than accepting what actually is. That takes up a lot of energy, and, I'm sure you can already tell, brings down my mood.

If I'm convinced this moment isn't right, that it could be better, and wish it were over, I am focused on what I'm lacking. I feel cheated and angry that I don't have what I want right now, whether it's peace and quiet or warm sunshine. I deserve it, right? My thoughts create this atmosphere of negativity, and I end up feeling lousy. It's amazing how many times I find myself wallowing in these thoughts, though. I have been trying to recognize when this is happening, and it's pretty much all day long. Noticing the pattern, however, allows me to do something to alter it.

I have a choice, after all, about the direction my thoughts take me. I can push away the present, longing for something better, or I can accept this moment as it is. When I breathe into a challenge, I find resiliency, the ability to come through adversity unchanged. Once I let go of the tugging and grasping, I can let go of my anger and frustration. Every moment is perfect as it is. I want to spend less energy wishing for something different and more finding the beauty in the here and now. Patterns are often deeply ingrained, and this is one of my deepest. I know if I take it a moment at a time, I can make real change.

Beginners' Mind

2011-01-17T16:30:00.002-06:00

I have had a few seriously challenging yoga classes recently. I have to say, I found myself getting frustrated and even a bit mad at the teacher for doing difficult sequences and poses I could not achieve. I left the first such class feeling all out of sorts. At the second one, the teacher mentioned a Zen concept called Beginners' Mind. Wikipedia defines this as "having an attitude of openness, eagerness and a lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even at an advanced level." I started to think about the practice in a different way.

When I first started yoga, every pose was a revelation. I didn't know what would happen, I had no idea there were Sun Salutations that were done in the same order every time, and I didn't expect to be able to do every pose. Far from it! I developed a sense of humor about myself that I didn't have anywhere else in my life. I could attempt the impossible, like an arm balance, or my first nemesis pose, Ardha Chandrasana, and laugh if I fell. Somewhere in the last 3 years I've lost some of this ability. I needed a healthy dose of Beginners' Mind for sure!

Think back to when you started something new: learning an instrument, trying a new computer program, or a new dance move. I'm sure you learned to take things one step at a time, without jumping ahead or trying to learn everything at once. Clearly you didn't expect greatness the first time around, or even the second or third. Unfortunately, for so many of us, that eagerness and openness quickly gets replaced by a fight to the finish, and an expectation of perfection. We become dissatisfied or even angry if we can't get it just right. That's exactly where I found myself on my mat.

Now I could be frustrated at my teachers for kicking it up a notch, or I could see this as the opportunity it clearly represents: to return to my starting point. Be a novice again. I shouldn't be able to do every pose, because that's where I've been (mostly) for a while now, and my practice was feeling a bit stale. I no longer had the feeling that I could walk out of class and deal with anything life threw my way. I didn't have to work or foster a sense of humor in the face of a challenge, so I stopped trying as hard. I was coasting. I am hitting the reset button, to find that eagerness and lack of preconception again. Where might you be treading water in life? Can you step forward by looking at it with the mind of a beginner?

Do Your Own Pose

2011-01-09T10:41:00.004-06:00

I had pose envy in yoga class last week. A beautiful yogini on the mat next to me held handstand for a couple of minutes, and I was in awe. My heels were touching the wall, as I tried to come away and balance for a few seconds at a time, while she was just holding there, still and strong. Wow. Anyone who has attended a yoga class has experienced this feeling, I'm sure. There are people who seem to be able to do every pose, or look like the cover of Yoga Journal. Now, I know that yoga isn't about the perfect pose, but I sometimes get into my head and start to wonder if I'll ever look that steady, that strong.

The ego doesn't have a place in yoga. Yet, as humans, our egos are often the strongest part of us. We are used to competition, constant striving to be better, or even perfect. In yoga, we start where we are. We recognize every pose can be modified to fit every individual, and that no one is going to resemble anyone else, on or off the mat. Sometimes I need to remind myself to turn my attention back to my own practice. The best classes are when I am so into the flow, I don't notice anyone or anything else. Later I can't recall what order we did the poses, or what songs were played. That is when I lose my ego and it's all about the breath and the flow. Peace in my mind and in my heart.

So I reminded myself last week to do my own pose. My friend on the mat next to me has a different practice and a different starting place than I do. I don't need to emulate her or wish to be like her. I can applaud her beauty and grace and recognize that every being in the room has something different to offer. I try to keep my ego out of the yoga studio. I'm certain it will be there waiting for me when I leave, but the more often I can set it aside for any length of time, the closer I get to true freedom.

Gratitude

2011-01-03T08:35:00.002-06:00

I have been working through the darkness of winter by trying to focus on gratitude. I admit I don't like the cold, the gray days are hard for me, and my bright light doesn't seem to be enough to start me off on the right foot every day. But every night before I go to sleep, I think of things I'm grateful for. Just for a short time. This deliberate exercise isn't Pollyanna-ish positive thinking, it's not cheesy or false. It is simply recognizing that I have a lot, even on days when I feel a lack.

Let's face it, if you're reading this blog, you likely have a roof over your head. That is definitely something to be grateful for, because there are clearly people for whom that isn't the case. The same is true for having enough food to eat, warm clothing and boots to keep your feet dry. Simple stuff, but these items alone can cue me into the abundance I have in my life. My heart starts to feel uplifted because I am grateful.

The people in our lives can obviously be a mixed bag. We can feel so thankful for friends and family, but loneliness affects a lot of people. We may feel sadness or loss thinking about relationships, but sometimes even the smallest encounter can be a reason to be thankful. I like to focus on a seemingly meaningless interaction, like the smile I received from someone in the hallway at work, or the coffee barista who is always so cheerful. I'm grateful for positive communication in any form, and enough small moments like these can turn a day around.

Some days it's harder to find things to list, but I can always come up with something. Even the most mundane, like hearing a song I like on the radio. Every time I turn my attitude toward gratitude (ooh, a rhyme!), I feel lighter. More compassionate towards myself and others. I may try moving this practice to the morning, and see if I can open my day with these feelings, as I've felt a need for a real boost the last few weeks! A few things on my list today: I'm grateful for time this morning to do yoga and write this blog entry before work. I'm grateful for my cats who joined me for both activities, and I'm grateful that school has started again! What are you grateful for today?

Looking Back

2010-12-29T13:51:00.003-06:00

The end of the calendar year is upon us. A lot of companies end the year by having employees complete an annual self-assessment. Now I've never had a corporate job, and have never had to complete this type of exercise with regards to my job. I've been told it usually entails looking back at accomplishments, describing areas that need improvement and goals for the coming year. I decided to try writing a year end review for my personal growth, to see where I've been successful and where I could improve. Then I can formulate some goals for 2011. Not resolutions, but concrete ideas of what I would like to work on next year.

I followed a pretty simple outline: 1. Did you set any goals for 2010? If so, were they met or worked on consistently? 2. What were your particular successes? 3. What areas could be improved? 4. Are there things you're allowing to limit your growth in some area? What is holding you back? I set aside some quiet time to reflect and journal on each of these questions. I was initially concerned that I would dwell on the negative and the failures. I was happily surprised to find this to be a positive exercise. I was able to recognize successes for which I wasn't giving myself credit. I was able to see progress toward goals even if they haven't been completely realized yet.

Then I started on my areas of improvement and attachments that are holding my back. I think in a work-related inventory, it can be tempting to list small things that are easily fixed rather than really being honest about our shortcomings. In a personal review, if you're not honest you're only lying to yourself. So, I really looked at myself. Not easy, but I took a compassionate stance and was able to avoid beating myself up too much. I found this to be really helpful because I can recognize some areas of my life where I'm stuck. Seeing where growth can occur allows us to foster these areas and make progress. Being compassionate kept me from ending every sentence with "you big dummy" or something similar. This is about moving forward, not dwelling on the past, after all!

Finally, I looked at goals for next year. I have a few that I recognize cannot be accomplished in one year, but I can start to work toward them. I also have some that will require a consistent commitment, something I'm not always good at. Now I can recognize things that could potentially hold me back, and create a clear vision to focus on my goals. I hope this clarity of purpose will help me stay motivated throughout the year, rather than losing interest in a few months, as usually happens with simple resolutions. I will be starting the new year pointed in the right direction, with the tools to help me stay on course.

What Matters

2010-12-27T14:03:00.002-06:00

The holidays can be challenging for a lot of people. I am one of those who stress over the details. I was in an unbelievable tizzy last week because I couldn't find round pretzels to make candies. It was like I was watching myself from a distance as I ranted about the pretzels and worried that my dinner would be ruined without this key component. Seriously. I can let it go now, because I found the pretzels. No, what I realized was my emotional state was not about the pretzels. I was becoming frantic about small, meaningless issues, completely stuck in my head. Every year I fall into the same trap. I worry that I'm not making the right food, or that it won't be enough, or someone won't like it. I can honestly say, I don't think people really care what they eat. What matters is that we are together.
The details can become more important than the reason for the event if I'm not careful. If I focus on filling every one's glass and preparing too many desserts, I can easily miss the entire evening. It also makes me tense and irritable and I don't sit down long enough to enjoy the company. I may get a rave review for the meal, but I won't have any memories of our time together. I risk spending the whole time in my to-do list, and not present in the moment. This doesn't just happen during the holidays, of course. It's easy to lose track of what matters in any day. In the rush of trying to get everything done, we lose sight of what's happening right now. What matters is the present moment.
I know when I'm creating my own stress. As I said before, it's like I can watch myself from a distance, fabricating reasons to be anxious and worried, so up in my head I don't even notice what's in front of me. If I took the time to exhale (try it now with me: Ahhhh), I might find the urgency has lessened. I can slow down, re-focus, and recognize what's really important. Staying present means the holidays don't fly by too quickly, and we won't miss the best moments. This time of year, enjoy the company you're blessed to entertain, remember to breathe and you can be the one smiling serenely as others push past you at the mall.

What we can't change

2010-11-29T08:54:00.005-06:00

I saw a patient a few week who was struggling with some personal relationships. I'm not talking about her family or closest friends, but a woman she runs into at social events every few weeks. To hear my patient describe her, this woman is nasty, opinionated and possibly cheats at cards. Regardless of what she's really like, she makes my patient absolutely crazy. When she walks into a room with her, she starts to become agitated, and she literally hunts for things to be mad about while the other woman presumably enjoys her socialization. Only one person appears to be harmed by this situation...
Other people behave in ways we may not like, and they may say things we don't agree with. They have their own background and their own motivation guiding them, and we can't ever really know where they're coming from. We also can't change them. I am not talking about a debate or meeting of the minds, but about truly changing their core nature. I heard my patient saying if only this woman would behave in this way, if only she wouldn't say that. Finally I stopped her and asked if she was familiar with the Serenity Prayer. We all know it's power for people struggling with addictions, but I find it to be a perfect guideline for many of life's uncomfortable situations. The Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." That breaks things down neatly into categories: things we can change, and things we can't. The things we cannot change, we have to accept, or let go of.
So, then it came time for strategy. I asked my patient some other ways she could handle the situation with this woman. We came up with several options that allow her to be in control. The first and most obvious is to avoid social interactions when this woman is present. She can control what invitations she accepts. Another is to change the way she responds to this woman. Instead of looking for the negative, try compassion or even humor. She can control her own thoughts and behavior. Another is to look for a time out if she finds herself getting upset. Ask to help in the kitchen, step outside for some fresh air, ask another friend to go to the ladies' room with her. All behavior that she can control. I was a bit amazed that she had never considered her alternatives to anger and disappointment in this situation. It had not even occurred to her to decline attending functions with this person. She told me she felt she had options now, and that felt good.
Every day we encounter people who, for some reason or another, rub us the wrong way. We can't change them, their thoughts, or their behavior. We can accept people the way they are, or change the things we can: our own thoughts and behavior. I find this to be so helpful every day. I realize I can choose how to react or respond in any situation. This takes control away from others and puts me in charge of my day. How empowering to have choices!

Grief

2010-11-16T08:02:00.004-06:00

Emotions are part of being human. We react to situations around us in our thoughts and our feelings, for good or bad. Sometimes feelings are wonderful: joy, happiness, peace. Other times they are very hard to face: anger, sadness, hurt. But this range of emotion serves as guideposts to help us navigate our lives more skillfully. Sadness let's us process a loss and move forward, anger cues us into something not right with a relationship or our jobs. Yet I am asked frequently if I can help a patient avoid emotion altogether, especially in the case of grief. Sometimes the pain is too great, a loss too recent, and I understand the need to cope. But eventually the feelings must be faced. They're still there waiting.
Grief is one of the most difficult processes humans can go through, I'm sure. The loss of a loved one brings up a wave of emotions, ranging from sadness to anger and denial. Many people want to avoid this pain, to move on without moving through the stages of grief. We can be surprisingly successful at avoiding and stuffing emotions for a while, ignoring pain and pretending everything is ok. Eventually the pressure starts to leak through the cracks, though. Little upsets cause big reactions, physical pain and illness becomes more frequent, or current relationships suffer. The emotions are simmering under the surface, demanding attention. Avoidance will not make feelings disappear.
Grief and depression have a lot in common. They are both marked by sadness, loss of appetite and sleep, and lack of focus. But grief does not always lead to depression. There is a culture of awareness of depression, but, unfortunately it causes a lot of people to believe there is a pill to take away every sad feeling. We then forget that grief is a normal process in recovering from a loss. Sometimes the loss is a death of a loved one, sometimes it's a divorce or loss of a job, but the process is similar. Anti-depressants can't catapult us over the emotion and into the next phase of life. Don't get me wrong, there are times when medications are necessary. But that is the exception, not the rule, in cases of grief.
So how do we navigate a loss and move forward? There are many ways to work through grief: counseling, support groups, individual religious or spiritual traditions, to name a few. The important thing is to experience, not avoid, the feelings. So-called negative emotions like sadness and anger are very tough to deal with, but they are part of being human. We can sit with our feelings, recognize them and name them, and notice the bodily sensations that accompany the emotions. We can laugh and cry, sit or run with it, but be fully aware of it all. This doesn't take away pain, but acknowledges it for what it is, and how it's affecting us. Feelings don't weaken or destroy us, but we must face them when they arise, for good or for bad. The experience of grief reminds us that as humans we can form strong bonds and emotional attachments. I am grateful for that, even in loss.

Fall Back

2010-11-08T10:37:00.000-06:00

In yoga class yesterday, my teacher talked about fall and the time change. She asked us to think about how words matter, and this time of year we "fall back," but in spring we are "springing ahead." Her point was that fall and winter are dormant times when we can fall back into ourselves, and reflect. I loved that, because this time of year is very challenging for me. I was looking at falling back as a euphemism for the low mood, lethargy and avoidance of self-healing that tend to suck me in every fall.
So I can choose to self-reflect and learn something about myself instead of assuming I have to battle my way back from the brink. I am studying my reactions, and my tendency to let the easy way guide me. I haven't been sitting, journalling or blogging. I have been on my mat, but not as often as I'd like. I'm letting the wind stir up my anxiety and worrying about phantoms instead of using my self-soothing to quiet my mind. Eventually it becomes a sticky mire that is harder and harder to escape. The self-reflection mirrors my choices back to me, and I can see now how far I've slid.
Now my choices are becoming depressed and angry that I've allowed this to happen, or I can start back on the path. I got up earlier this morning to sit. I did a mindful yoga practice with some gentle backbends to open my heart and stimulate my energy. It is a lot harder than it was in the summer, though, and we've had great weather so far. I know I have to stay focused and set my intention every day to care for myself the best ways I can. I know the ways, now cones the action. If I open my intention to the universe, I believe I will get the support I need. I just have to do my part and keep looking for it!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Crossed Paths

2010-10-28T18:17:00.002-05:00

My husband likes to lift weights. He used to be really into it, bulking his muscles with repetitive curls and crunches and squats. Now, he lifts weights for health, and is much more balanced in his exercise. He mentioned recently that, while I do yoga nearly every day, I never seem to get uneven from it. I didn't understand what he meant, and he explained that a lot of exercises can lead to over-strengthening in one area. Or, one part of the body can get focused on so much, that it no longer makes any progress with training. I wasn't surprised by his observation, because yoga is a whole-body program, nothing gets left out in a good class, including the mind and spirit.
A lot of people have one type of exercise that they love. I have friends that run, and do not do anything else. They're runners, after all. That can lead to injuries to the lower half of the body, obviously, because the feet, ankles, knees and hips are pounding the pavement repetitively. I have friends who swim, and they can be prone to shoulder injuries from doing the same stroke over and over. Weight lifters tend to focus on the large, bulky muscle groups, ignoring the antagonists that provide balance to the joints. Ok, I'm making generalizations to demonstrate a point, but you get my drift. A lot of exercises are very focused in their goals, and also in the parts of the body they affect.
Yoga isn't like this. In fact, a lot of single asanas address multiple areas of the body at once. Consider Trikonasana, or triangle pose. The legs are strengthened, the core is isolated, holding the torso up, and the arms are working to stretch the chest open. Add in mindful breathing to expand the lung capacity, and a twist to stimulate the abdominal organs, and the entire body is being used. When Trikonasana is part of a logical flow in class, different parts of the body are flexed and extended, all with the goal of taking the triangle pose to a new level. Once again, yoga addresses the whole body.
Because of this fact, yoga can easily cross paths with other forms of exercise, making an athlete stronger and more flexible, less prone to injury, and possibly more successful at their sport. Runners can benefit from stretching the legs, particularly the hips, the IT band, and ankles. Bikers can open the hips and upper back, which gets rounded and hunched over the handlebars of a road bike. Weight lifters can balance the flex flex flex motion with stretching of antagonists to prevent injury over the long term. Really, yoga can enhance any other type of physical activity. You don't have to consider yourself a yogi to reap the benefits from the practice, and the physical aspects of yoga may be all you want. But maybe, over time, you'll start to see that the physical practice is opening you up in other ways, making you a stronger and more flexible person throughout your life. Then the real benefits of yoga begin!

Silence

2010-10-21T18:07:00.004-05:00

My mom once told me she almost never listens to the radio when she's driving by herself. I was surprised by that because previously, I always had some noise on. It had never occurred to me to just drive in silence. Since then, I read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, and Deepak Chopra talks about having some silence in every day. I take time to meditate in the morning, but what about silence during random moments throughout the day? What an interesting idea. I started turning my radio off in the car sometimes, and just driving. It really takes some getting used to, and some days I really cannot stand the crazy lady jabbering in my head, so the music helps me be centered. Other days, after a few minutes of discomfort, I start to feel more peaceful.
Now I'm noticing how hard it is to find silence during a normal day. I fill up my car at the gas station, and there is a TV on the pump. The TV is not telling me anything important, it is really mindless idiocy. Do the people at Shell think we can't be alone with our own thoughts for the 4 minutes it takes to fill the pump? Or that they'll really sell more sodas and candy bars by advertising them in this way? My husband told me there are now TVs on the elevator at his work. He works in a high rise in the city, so I'm sure some of those rides can be long. But again, God forbid we wait in silence, or, worse yet, talk to someone else riding with us!
Sometimes I wonder if our culture of constant sensory bombardment is contributing to increasing rates of ADHD. No one does just one thing anymore, and almost nothing is done in silence. We are a nation of distraction. No wonder practices like mindfulness, meditation and yoga are enjoying such popularity. I believe they are the antidote to the gas pump TVs of our lives. Quiet time on my cushion in the morning makes me better prepared to meet the day. Quiet time on my mat (when I practice at home, I don't turn music on anymore) calms my stress response and slows down the rest of my thoughts. Eating mindfully ensures I not only enjoy my food, but eat the right amount and improve digestion. These are small moments in an otherwise noisy life, filled with normal distractions. I don't think we have to take a vow of silence to see benefits, but maybe a few moments of quiet can bring us all to a more centered place.

Differences

2010-10-13T20:56:00.002-05:00

Can people with different beliefs get along? Can they even be friends? I recently discovered during a conversation that a new acquaintance of mine had some very different political opinions than I do. Now, I won't go into details, because I do not have strong political leanings. We'll just say she made a statement supporting someone in politics whom I don't consider worthy of respect. My husband and I have different political ideas, but we agree on our opinion of this political figure. He is more vocal than I am, and started to debate the topic. When it became clear that our dinner companions were not joking, I changed the subject.
Later, I found myself wondering what else they could be hiding beneath their seemingly normal outward appearances. Does that make me shallow, opinionated and judgemental? Decidedly so. I work toward an open mind and an open heart on a daily basis, and we're not talking about hate-filled or violent people, so why did this conversation affect me so much? I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who have different backgrounds and beliefs than I do. Most of the time it adds interest to our interactions, and I wind up learning something new. However, acceptance of differences is challenging. We have to acknowledge that we may not be "completely right" in whatever we believe, because clearly others believe something else.
That's usually pretty easy for me to wrap my head around. This time, I honestly hadn't considered that someone might share an opposite view. I feel humbled, because I felt so strongly "right" when they spoke that I ignored their other qualities in that moment. I instantly questioned their intelligence and wondered if we could still be friends. Wow. That is a slippery slope to a shouting match and never speaking again.
There is an old saying: "Would you rather be right or happy?" This can help us to determine if our opinions are getting in the way of our relationships. Mine were in this instance, and it was surprising to me because I haven't had to release my need to argue in a really long time. There is a time and place for intelligent debate, but there are also times when no one will change their mind based on the conversation, and feelings can only end up getting hurt. So, the best answer is a deep breath, recognition that my opinion is not the only one, and people are allowed to disagree with me. It still isn't easy to let this one go, but I will breathe into my heart and love their other qualities, since they will have to do the same toward me!

Finding the Positive

2010-10-01T10:03:00.004-05:00

I have been battling a sinus infection. It's hard for me to stay positive when I'm sick. I am frustrated because I can't do my usual yoga class today. I know, let go of expectations of a particular outcome. But with this headache, all I can focus on is the negative. It feels like I've been sick forever, and it will never get better and I'll never get back to yoga class again! That's pretty negative. How can we access our inner joyful nature when we feel terrible?
I am starting with small steps today. I did some simple stretches instead of my usual advanced Friday morning class, because even 10 minutes of yoga is better than none. I am spending time catching up on some work that I would have had to postpone, had I gone to class. That gives me some stress relief, and I can feel pleased that I used my time wisely even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. I am already imagining my cup of chai later, how good it's going to taste, and I can feel another sigh of pleasure, in spite of my headache. So simple small things to attune to the positive. So far so good...
I have to remind myself that I don't actually get sick often, and find some gratitude in my overall state of health. Gratitude is good, it's impossible to feel grateful and angry at the same time! Now I can remember to be grateful for other positives in this day: it's Friday and the sun is shining. My parents are here, and my family is together for a fun weekend. I'm almost ready to smile :) Our home renovation project is getting closer to completion, and for that I'm so very very grateful. I am definitely smiling now!
Ok, so I still have a headache and sinus pain, but I am focused on things outside my aches and pains and can look forward to the day. Even though I don't feel well, this day doesn't have to be a loss. I will use the small pleasures and gratitude to turn my energy around, I will smile at others and receive back what I give. I will look forward to the weekend without self pity and irritation. I'm ready to face the day.

Home

2010-09-23T09:34:00.001-05:00

My house is under construction. It's actually not a major project, most of our living area is still untouched. But there are a lot of things happening every day that other people are in charge of. Once again I have to work extra hard at letting go of expectations. Water from my shower gushing out of the ceiling downstairs? Can't control it, have to wait for the guys to come. Flooring guys arrive unexpectedly at 7am? Ok, let's get started tearing out some tiles!
I haven't been doing badly with the letting go for once, because I heard so many stories ahead of time, I guess I was more mentally prepared. I am struggling with the invasion of my space, however. I never realized how attached I am to the feeling of home. Maybe it's the privacy, or the quiet spot I can always find, the memories attached to each place, I'm not sure. But I know that I've felt ungrounded. My home is full of noisy dusty strangers and when they're gone, the dust and disarray stay as a reminder.
My yoga routine has been disrupted because I have to get ready so quickly in the morning, but today I rolled out my mat regardless. I stretched and flowed to the tune of crashing and breaking ceramic tiles, but somehow the noise didn't bother me too much. I felt so much better after I was done, and my poor stressed cats seemed to appreciate the return to routine, too.
We are living with chaos, but it will only be a few weeks more. I have to look for the sense of home where I can find it until things are back to normal. My yoga mat was home today, my own practice and my own breath brought me back to stability.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mindful Eating

2010-09-14T08:16:00.003-05:00

This summer I spent a week at Kripalu yoga center in Lennox, MA. I loved the place, the people, the food, but one of the things I loved best surprised me a lot. They have silent breakfast every morning, and the program I was involved with actually took it a step further, and we were silent from wake time, through our initial practice, until after breakfast. That sounded really scary to me. I spend a lot of time in my head, so I envisioned worrying and thinking, or reading a magazine or book so I wouldn't have to be alone with myself. However, it turned out to be my favorite part of the day.

When I first sat down for silent breakfast, I was amazed. The room was filled with people, and almost no one was doing anything other than eating. People would acknowledge one another with a nod or smile, and choose their breakfast. I spent more time considering what I might like to eat, and I didn't rush my meals. I actually tasted my food, and savored the experience. I've read about mindful eating before, but had never attempted it prior to this trip. I really felt calmer, the food tasted better, and I never had the urge to over eat. I recognized my body cues because I was present in my body.

Reflecting on the experience, I realized that I almost never just sit and eat. I am usually reading, or surfing the internet, or playing Scrabble on my phone. I have even contemplated trying to dictate patient notes between bites, but I haven't sunk that low yet. I know food at times has become mere fuel, almost an inconvenient part of the day that I must attend to, but really don't enjoy, I just get through it as quickly as I can. I believe this attitude has contributed to a rushed feeling during my lunch break. I have also ended up with stomach upset that could be due to eating too fast, or eating things that weren't right for my body just because they were convenient. There are days I can't even remember what I ate.
Society today prides itself on moving quickly, multi-tasking and accomplishing more and more. I am starting to recognize that this comes at a cost. I remember the delicious Masala Chai tea they had at Kripalu one morning, and how I sat and sipped that cup thinking I'd never experienced a sweeter moment. How wonderful to accomplish presence and joy rather than reading one more article on the internet! I can't say I've been as good about keeping up with the mindful eating as I'd like. I can't convince my kids (ages 6 and 8) to participate in silent breakfast. But I can be mindful of how and what I'm eating, and take time to savor the food and the moment.

Worry

2010-09-08T19:06:00.005-05:00

I've been worrying. This isn't too unusual for me, because I spent the better part of my life as a super-worrier. I could worry about just about anything, allowing it to keep me awake for hours at night, or leading me to gnaw at my fingernails until they were raw. I have made great headway on calming the worry in recent years, so this recent case has been irritating. I have decided to revisit some of my favorite ways to settle an anxious and worried mind, in the hopes of reminding myself how to tone down the mental drama.

1. Mental distraction. This works well if you are worrying during your daily activities. When the wheels start spinning, find something else to do. I like to read an entertaining but not particularly heavy book. Chick lit or a good thriller works well. Crossword or Sudoku puzzles can also give the brain another bone to chew on.

2. Physical activity. You already know, I turn to yoga. My style is Vinyasa flow, so the movement between poses combined with the breath really quiets the mind. If you aren't into yoga, taking a walk or lifting weights can serve the same purpose. I also learned a bounce technique from a Qi Gong master that I thought was amazing: simply stand with your knees and body soft and bounce up and down in place gently. Let your hands flop at your sides, your head loll from side to side, relax the spine and just bounce softly, breathing quietly. Try it for a few minutes, I think you'll be amazed at how relaxing this super-simple exercise can be!

3. Journaling. Set aside a specific period of time to write about your worries. When the time is up, close the journal and put it away. This allows the worry, but there is an endpoint. I find this most helpful before bed. I like to finish with something to change the tone, either a gratitude practice or listing 5 things that were good about the day, anything you choose to put the mind back onto something positive.

4. Mantra meditation. Simply sitting down and expecting to go into a meditative place when you're already keyed up and worried is a set-up for failure. Instead, give the mind something to focus on. You can use any phrase, it doesn't have to be Sanskrit or handed down by a guru or anything. I like So Hum, which means "I am that." It's simple but has more than one syllable, so I can easily pace it with the breath. But you can try "Peaceful" or anything that has meaning for you. Then just sit quietly and breathe in and out, thinking the mantra. If you are really unfocused and agitated, even try saying it aloud. If thoughts stray, simply come back to the words.

5. Evaluate the worries. This is another technique that doesn't try to stop the thoughts, but rather focuses on classifying them and deciding if they're worthwhile or not. So, if I'm laying there at night worried that I will forget to write a note to my child's teacher the next day, I can evaluate that thought. Is this a valid worry? Sure, I often forget things in the morning rush. Can I do anything about this worry right now? Absolutely. I can get up and write the note now and put it in her backpack. Done. Back to sleep. Alternatively, I'm worried about my health. Is this a valid worry? Sure, anyone can get sick anytime. Can I do anything about this right now? No. I can schedule my routine doctor appointment in the morning, but not at 11pm. This technique can at least allow me to "triage" my worries into things I can fix now, things I can fix later, and things that are out of my control completely and not worth getting worked up about.

Worrying hits all of us at one time or another. I find I worry less if I'm consistent with meditation and yoga, but they can't cure everything. When I get anxious, one or more of these techniques helps me to find my center again, and I've found it helpful tonight to reassess my tool box. I'm hopeful that a peaceful sleep will be my reward!

Wellness

2010-09-03T08:05:00.004-05:00

What does wellness mean? It's a term that's thrown around quite a bit right now, I've even seen it at the massage place I go to. Is wellness synonymous with health, or are they different things? In medicine today, health is often seen as the absence of disease, as opposed to a total condition of mental and physical balance. I see wellness as a new description for that state: we are sound in body and mind, balanced and whole. Certainly we must be physically free from disease to achieve this state. I think western medicine has that pretty well covered. But how do we get to the next level, where we are truly "well"?

I think there are different routes for different people, but I believe most of us find it comes from an approach that addresses not just the body, but the mind and the heart as well. I've read multiple studies showing the emotional benefits of a spiritual practice of some kind, whether it's prayer, organized religion, or a simple belief in something greater than ourselves. Spirituality in one form or another addresses the heart, and fosters compassion towards others. We realize we aren't alone on this journey, and can recognize a greater purpose.

Use of our minds is the next step. Activities that keep us thinking prevent the decline of memory in older age. They also bring a greater sense of satisfaction than a mindless pursuit such as parking in front of the television. Reading a book, discussing politics with friends, learning something new, all form new connections in our brains, allowing expansion of our mental power. We are not stagnant, we are moving forward and growing, another way to recognize we are well.

Our bodies house our brains and our hearts. We must keep them in good shape as the body is the vessel for the soul, as I have read. Any physical activity is good for the body, walking, dancing, mowing the lawn, and, of course, yoga. Many studies have found yoga to be better than other forms of exercise for improving symptoms of depression and anxiety. Yoga also addresses the other aspects that keep us well: it keeps our minds active with meditation and philosophical lessons, and it opens our hearts to compassion and kindness. I see yoga as one path to wellness, and have felt the effects in my own life.

Negative Nellie

2010-08-30T18:29:00.005-05:00

I saw a statistic today saying over 80% of our thoughts are negative. Now I have to admit, I don't know what kind of study this statistic came from but I think it's probably fairly accurate for most people. I spend a lot of energy trying to counteract this tendency in myself most days! For example, I started today with a lot of crisis phone calls to answer. My thoughts immediately spiralled into doom and gloom: "Oh, this is a great start to a Monday;" "It's going to be a terrible week;" and "What else could go wrong?!" I even told my yoga teacher I was pretty sure I'd have to leave class to answer phone calls at some point. Talk about negativity! That didn't actually happen, by the way, and I felt much more centered after class. If I had turned my thoughts around before they went sour, I could've saved myself a lot of angst this morning.

Apparently negative thinking has been a problem for humans for centuries. It's even addressed in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Verse II:33 says "To counteract destructive attitudes one should cultivate thoughts of the opposite kind." That sounds pretty simple, right? We all know in practice that it's not so easy. The first step is actually recognizing the thoughts as they come up. We can't do anything to change them if they stay largely unconscious, wreaking havoc on our emotions without our knowledge! One way to start to observe the thoughts is in meditation. Sitting in silence demonstrates very quickly how negative and ugly our thoughts can be. The goal then is to sit and observe and silently remain unattached to the stream of madness that flows through our brains in any given moment. Eventually the mind is quieter (or so they tell me, I'm still waiting!), and the angry or sad or anxious thoughts don't affect us as much.

Cognitive therapy uses the technique of writing down the thoughts as we notice changes in mood. This allows us to track how the "stinking thinking" brings us down, to recognize patterns, and begin to change the thoughts and behaviors to break the cycle. One of my favorite cognitive tricks came from a psychologist friend of mine: you can't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a friend. This helps us observe the thoughts (bye-bye name-calling), and forces us to change the thought immediately. This is also hard work! These patterns have taken decades to form, and operate largely without our help. We have to step into the driver's seat and take control, all of the time. It's exhausting. Once again, it becomes pretty obvious how deeply the negative thought patterns are ingrained.

This sounds pretty negative so far... Ok, the good news is that the negative thoughts can be recognized and changed. Meditation and therapy really work. For less serious cases, such as a bad case of the Mondays, we can try Patanjali's route and simply change our attitude. It's helpful for me to recognize the ridiculous nature of my negativity. Of course I'm not doomed to a terrible week, my life will not be miserable because of a lot of phone calls, and a couple of pages don't equal a ruined morning. It's almost laughable how worked up I can get, but it may take me a while to shift the balance. I am constantly working on letting go of expectations of how things ought to be. I'm finding that reduces the negative attitude to begin with, because there is no "should be" to live up to. I will try again next Monday...

Fix You

2010-08-26T21:38:00.002-05:00

When I hear about problems, my tendency is to want to fix, find a solution, provide an answer. This is part of my job, of course, and comes with being a parent, a friend, or a partner. If my child comes home in tears about something, first I want to go mama bear on whoever made them cry, then I want to find a solution to their issue. If a patient has anxiety, I want to offer sound ways to overcome it. But sometimes, that's not what the person needs.
I have learned to recognize when someone is asking for help finding a solution and when they simply want an ear to hear them. This isn't always easy, because I have had to sit on my hands when I had good advice to offer, but the time wasn't right. In the case of grief, telling someone about a grief support group can be very helpful. But if all they want is to tell the story of their loss, it could be intrusive and unkind to cut them short to talk about counseling. Better to listen and respond to their words, maybe hand them a card with a phone number as they leave, and let them think about it another time. This is listening and responding to the need in front of you.
The same is true with my children. Not every friend drama requires a dissection of how they could have responded differently. Most of these things work themselves out over time, and offering advice when they only want to be hugged is not the best use of my mothering. I am still working on this one, because I want the best for them, and don't want them to repeat mistakes that I've made growing up. Sometimes they need to learn their own lessons, sometimes they just need to be distracted by a fun game, and sometimes they just need a cuddle. I have to learn to navigate these tides a little differently if it's my son versus my daughter (yes, the drama runs in the family...). Their needs also seem to change on a weekly basis, and I'm certain what I've learned to do this week won't work next month!
Sometimes there simply are no solutions for the problems we face. I cannot fix my patients' unemployment, bad marriage or history of childhood abuse. I can help them heal and cope, but I can't make it go away. I also can't help everyone. I have found myself repeating the same suggestions to the same clients time after time, knowing they will never follow through, and also knowing that my advice could truly help them. Today, I shelved the suggestions and just listened. My patient seemed to relax more as we talked, and she left looking lighter. I think I finally gave her what she needed from me. Attention. Kindness. Understanding. Without judgement. She didn't leave with a fix for her problems, but she left feeling better. I felt better afterwards, too. Sometimes silence and an open ear are all the solutions we need to offer.

Body Talk

2010-08-20T20:13:00.004-05:00

I spend a lot of time listening to my heart, my intuition, my thoughts (which never stop), but have not ever gotten proficient at listening to my body. As a yogini, I know this revelation is going to out me in a negative way. I've been in classes where the teacher instructs us to choose our own version of a pose, going by what our body needs on that particular day. I am really not good at this!! It makes me anxious, and then it gets worse when she follows it by saying not to look around at what everyone else is doing, because that is just what I was going to do next. So, how do we know what our bodies need?
I get confused, because low energy, as I've experienced the last week, could mean I need to step it up and do an energizing practice. It could also mean I need to rest and take it easy. I try different things and eventually discover that one practice feels better than another. I can't say I decide this easily or quickly. In fact, this whole week I've been going down the wrong path, apparently. I have been fatigued, not sleeping well, and my joints have been acting up in irritating ways. I assumed I'd overdone it, and proceeded to take a couple of days off of yoga. Then I did a home practice that was not up to my usual level. And I felt worse and worse. Today, I finally said to heck with it and headed to my usual intermediate yoga class. And lo and behold, I instantly fell into the groove. We worked our core, and I realized that my third chakra needs some firing up. I also discovered that my wrists felt better after a bunch of vinyasas, and my mind finally shut up for 5 seconds by the end of class. Huh.
So how can I tune in more quickly and recognize my needs? I think I discount my body's cues because I expect limitations from it. I was not a strong person physically for the first 35 years of my life. I get aches and pains, and it takes me a long time to work the stiffness out of my joints in the morning. I have spent time scanning my body for pain and swelling, but not for clues to what I can do to nurture it. I have a fear of my body failing me, yet I don't listen to it and respond in a healthy way. Spending some time every day doing some basic body sensing, my energy level, any restlessness, fatigue, aches and pains, and then listening from the inside will help me to recognize the cues, I hope. I am going to experiment with this and see if i can become more mindful of my physical self, when too often I neglect it in favor of the emotional/spiritual body. If the body is truly the vessel for the soul, as I've read, then the care and nurturing of the physical shell can only enhance the spirit within.

Changes

2010-08-17T16:07:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of changes this time of year. Summer turns to fall, and the fun of camp makes way for the classroom. My daughter will be starting first grade at a new school, and riding the bus for the first time. She is as change-averse as I am, so we are trying to work through the transitions together. I have enlisted her older brother's help in walking her through some school activities, like getting her lunch in the cafeteria and saying the Pledge of Allegiance, which was not part of Montessori school. She is nervous, but seems to be excited, too.
My own changes are also approaching. I will be cutting my hours at work and turning over my practice in one office to another provider. Someone new, whom I don't know. I have a lot of ambivalence, even though this is a change I initiated, and that I know will allow me to move forward in exciting ways. I feel an obligation to my patients, understandably, and want to know they are well cared for. Underlying this, I'm certain, is a desire to control the transition. I have to trust that the new person will treat "my" patients well.
Both transitions will require an element of letting go. Change means that we adapt to new situations and continue to move forward, releasing our grip on the past. My daughter will have to learn new ways in first grade, things that will be very different from her former school. In my own transition, I have to accept letting go of some patients so I can incorporate new techniques into my work. My daughter hasn't known another way, and will have to trust her teacher and the other kids in her class. I am forging my own way, and have to trust my intuition that I will find my direction. Change can be scary, but we can't reach our full potential if we stay stuck. I am expecting some growing pains for myself and my daughter, but I'm certain we will move ahead with the support of family and friends.

Good Mornings

2010-08-11T19:08:00.002-05:00

I recently saw a long-time patient who is struggling with a lot of negative thinking. She described her mornings as dreadful, not because of sleep issues, but because she wakes every day thinking of all the things she must do, how difficult it will be, how much she dislikes her job, so on and so forth until she is nearly in tears. These thoughts are definitely part of her chronic dysthymic disorder (a long term, mild depression that is often difficult to treat), but this type of negative thinking is very common outside of depression or dysthymia. I know I've heard the alarm clock and spent the next 9 minutes of snooze time dreading my day.
My patient wanted ideas to help improve her mornings. The good news is, she easily recognized that her thoughts were affecting her emotions. I shared with her a few simple suggestions to try to start her mornings off in a more positive way. These are things I've learned from various sources, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, my yoga teacher, several inspirational blogs I read, and probably Oprah is in there somewhere :) The suggestions are overly simple, and designed to be tailored to fit each person, and they are certainly only the tip of the iceberg! If you decide to try to change your own routine, commit to the new practice for at least a month. There is research that says it takes 20-30 days to create a new habit, then it becomes second nature.
1. Get up around the same time every day. Seriously, even on weekends. Try to go to bed around the same time every night, too.
2. Get out of bed the first time the alarm goes off. This prevents the extra time spent stewing and dreading getting up. Put the clock across the room if needed, to make this more likely.
3. Start the morning with a positive thought. Anything will do: "This will be a great day" or "I can't wait to begin," anything you like. You don't have to believe it the first hundred times you try this, but eventually I think you will!
4. Get out of bed on the right foot. Literally. I have read that Ayurvedic science recommends this as part of a morning routine. Hey, every little counts, and so long as it doesn't get all OCD, give it a try!
5. Start the morning with a gratitude practice. Think of things that are great in your life, even if you can only get to "I'm breathing today," choose that and be grateful for it.
6. Consider starting the day with meditation. This has been a huge day saver for me. The peace I find in meditation affects my attitude and reaction to the whole rest of my day.
7. Try some energizing or balancing pranayama (yogic breathing exercises). Yoga Journal is a great resource for more information on these practices.
8. Try to do something active in the morning, like exercise or yoga. Morning yoga loosens up my tight muscles, but I also feel a great sense of accomplishment for having completed my exercise for the day. I can check that box off my to-do list!
9. Eat breakfast. Most important meal of the day, just like mom used to say. A body needs fuel to make it through the day.
10. If all else fails, do what my 8 year old son does, and play an inspirational song. Like I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas or Don't Stop Believing by Journey. Something that makes you smile, sing along and move your body.
I will have to wait a month to see if my patient takes my suggestions, but I use some or all of these most days, and I have seen a huge difference in how I feel as I'm getting going in the morning. It took a while to create an actual routine, and I won't say I pop out of bed with a grin every day, but the odds are much greater than they used to be!

Sleep #2

2010-08-04T21:42:00.001-05:00

Someone who has no trouble sleeping...

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Sleep

2010-08-04T21:09:00.001-05:00

Our bodies are designed to sleep at night, to allow our mind to enter a state of complete withdrawal where we can rejuvenate. Yet as natural as sleep is, it is very difficult for a lot of us. Insomnia plagues millions of Americans, and sleeping pills are some of the most prescribed medications available. We label insomnia in different ways, such as initial or early (can't fall asleep), middle (can't stay asleep) and late (wake too early). All are maddening in their own way. I have struggled with insomnia at various times in my life, usually the early type, because I'm worrying and stewing about something. Lucky for me, I can empathize with others going through the same issues. Unfortunately for me, those others have often been my children.
My 8 year old son DJ had a long run of bedtime fears. He started to hear every noise in the house and create elaborate scenarios about the possible source until he was sobbing in the hallway. I tried everything I could think of, including teaching him some "tapping" therapy (google EFT for an explanation), all to no avail. We finally allowed him to turn on his iPod with a sleep mix (prepared by me) that is mostly James Taylor. This has worked well, but he clearly has inherited my worrying mind.
Zee, on the other hand, has had sleep issues since she was born. She was colicky as an infant. That resolved after what seemed like an eternity, only to be replaced by mild night terrors as a three year old. She would start wailing and crying around midnight. She looked awake, but was totally unresponsive to us. In the morning she had no memory of it. This got less and less frequent, until now it happens maybe once every few months. Now her mind is starting to whirl at bedtime, as she processes her day. She often calls to me wanting to discuss some friend or conversation. I am certain this is all just the beginning!
So what's a mother to do? I do use the tapping/EFT that one of our therapists taught me. First of all they like it, it's simple, and it does seem to make them drowsy. I have also tried yoga nidra (a kind of guided meditation), but I need to find a more kid-centered script, so I think it's just my soft voice that helps. I have an alpha wave cd that is designed to bring your mind to a relaxed state, and I can vouch for its effectiveness after falling asleep on the floor to it one night. I have also had them do some simple supported yoga poses, including legs up the wall and child's pose, and taught them three part breathing. So I have tricks up my sleeve, that I have found beneficial for myself, too.
I am slowly trying to incorporate this teaching into patient education because insomnia is so prevalent. It is a symptom of multiple mental illnesses, as well as grief, substance abuse, and just modern day stress. If a particular technique is helpful, it can even assist in weaning off sleeping pills. I keep searching for more techniques to add to my arsenal, since I never know when I'll need something new to try in my house, too!

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5 Ways to Find Your Balance

2010-07-29T20:28:00.003-05:00

The yoga class I attended yesterday included a number of balances, from simple tree pose to a "floating" ardha chandrasana. I am not certain why, but I was struggling to find a steady balance on one side. I had arrived feeling flustered because the camp bus was late, and I walked into class after it had already begun. So, my mind was spinning and worrying as we worked our way into the flow. I had to struggle to make my gaze steady, and I was starting to beat myself up in my head for the wobbling on my left leg. Then I had a realization: This is really the whole point of balancing poses, if not yoga itself! The point is simply to be with yourself, no matter where you are at that moment. Later, I thought a lot about balance, and how we try to find it in our lives. So, my little list of 5 Ways to Find Your Balance certainly applies to asana, but I see this as a metaphor for the bigger picture, too.
1. Take a Risk. Balancing requires a leap of faith. We must trust in our one leg to steady us, as the other takes flight. We test our limits so we know what we are capable of achieving.
2. Find Your Focus. We keep our eyes on a steady object. This allows concentration of the mind, and minimizes distractions that would throw us off our goal.
3. Loosen Up. Balancing on one leg requires strength, but we also need to relax. If every muscle is clenched, we're actually more likely to fall over. The micromovements and tiny adjustments are part of the pose, and we can't flow with the breeze unless we let go of a little bit of control.
4. Embrace the Falling. Give yourself a break! Balancing is hard, and we will fall. A lot. Some days, it seems impossible to find the stillness. Instead of the inner name-calling, try laughing and recognizing that the effort is as important as the result.
5. If You Fall, Get Back Up Again! This one is the most important. Persevere. Don't call it a failed attempt and give up, when the next try may lead to success. Or maybe it won't, but if not today, maybe next week.
Balancing poses require extra effort. But when everything comes together, these poses steady our minds and help us attune to our intentions. Balancing on the mat can help us focus our commitments off the mat, which, I've heard said, is where the real yoga is practiced!

Assumptions

2010-07-27T20:17:00.004-05:00

I've started reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's book on mindfulness, "Wherever You Go There You Are." He often ends a chapter with an exercise to try on your own. The one I read today asked that I truly see the people around me, rather than just my thoughts or judgements about them. I was struck by how difficult that may be immediately after I read it, and watched someone leave their Starbucks cup in the middle of the parking lot when there was a garbage can nearby. I was full of judgements and negative opinions right then!
This exercise seemed to be easier for me with strangers. I have formulated opinions about my regular patients, and all day today I had to remind myself to come back to the present moment and see them as they are, rather than my conceptualization of them. With a stranger, I have no past to color my thoughts, so I only have to watch out for my judgements. It was disconcerting to find out how often I made assumptions about people based on their appearance. I had always thought of myself as an open-minded (and hearted) individual, but I was pretty much pointing and labeling in my mind all day!
I was also on the receiving end of presumptive ideas today. As a psychiatrist, I try to present something of a "blank slate" to patients. They don't know a lot of details about my life or me as a person, this allows them to paint me into whatever role they need to for their treatment. Two patients I've seen for a while now made broad assumptions about me based on my appearance. One was discussing her weight and stated that clearly I had never had weight issues. While I've never had serious weight problems, I was 10-15 pounds overweight for a decade. Another woman assumed I spend a lot of time lifting weights, when it's all yoga, baby. I know a lot of my patients assume I live the perfect healthy life, and that I never struggle the way they do, but that simply isn't true. And I can't assume the person who left their coffee cup in the parking lot is an evil soul who hates the earth... When I jump to these conclusions, I see through the distortion of my thoughts and judgements, rather than seeing a person for who they truly are.
I am thankful for this exercise, and plan to continue to watch my thoughts. Mindfulness is a constant redirecting of the mind, for me at least. I tend to leap to the future, regret the past, and forget to enjoy the sunshine while I'm sitting in it. However, I never thought of it as applying to perceptions of people around me. I know I can't stop my mind from jumping from thought to thought, and I know my judging doesn't make me a terrible person. I can recognize the judgements and gently, kindly, bring myself back to the present. Only in this moment can I fully live, and that goes for everyone around me, too.

Book referenced: Wherever You Go There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Reunion

2010-07-25T18:27:00.002-05:00

Next weekend is my 20 year high school reunion. I plan to attend, and have been in contact with some fellow classmates on Facebook. A lot of people are posting about the reunion, and how they wish they could change something about themselves or their lives beforehand. One friend said he needs to lose weight and get married, another said she wished she had taken better care of her skin, another is worrying about what to wear (ok, that's me).
I guess it's natural that a reunion would force us to take stock of our lives. We know we'll see people we knew back then, and I for one would like to prove that I'm not that same girl with the bad perm. But, I am satisfied with what I've accomplished in life, and don't feel I have any regrets about what I bring to the conversation. But what about my friends who are divorced, or unemployed, or are not satisfied with their appearance? I would like to think we are all going to this event to reconnect with old friends, to catch up and have fun, not to judge or look down on people to whom the years have not been kind. I would like to meet people where they are, but I'm sure there will be a lot of looking back. The people who were popular in high school will still be remembered that way, and those who were "losers" may be viewed through that lens, rather than for what they are today.
I don't see any value in regretting the past, and I certainly don't think it's useful to regret our present situation. Attending a reunion with something to prove also seems like the wrong approach. But can I show up as myself, as I am today, which only came about as a result of everything in my past? Can I feel confident but not condescending, and look for the positive in everyone else, even if they used to be a bully or a rival? I hope so. I have worked on opening my heart, and recognizing the divine in each of us. I understand this may be a challenging situation to stay in the moment, and not return to the roles I often assumed as a teenager. I am interested to see what comes up for me back in my old home town!

Be Present

2010-07-20T19:57:00.008-05:00

I tried to start meditating a couple of years ago. I know it's supposed to be really good for me, and I had good intentions. I read a couple of books, and learned a lot about the process. Then I sat down and actually tried it. I discovered that my mind never shuts up. I thought about the dumbest stuff, and that led to other dumb stuff, then that led to Lady Gaga songs, and then I couldn't stand it anymore and got up off my zafu. I admit it, I gave up for a couple of years. In the meantime, I continued to do yoga, and we often do short meditations as part of class. Well, in the last several months I started to realize some peace during those times of sitting. When I went to the training session last week, we spent a lot more time meditating and I discovered that I can actually stand to sit now. I'm not sure when it started to happen, but I'm loving it. I have a goal of daily seated meditation for 20 minutes.
I am reading a fabulous book called The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope, and a great deal of the book discusses meditation. I wish I had read it a couple of years ago (although I don't think I would have been ready to "get" it). The author tells about someone new to meditation, and how they wiggle, get uncomfortable, and say they can't stand all the thoughts when all they are trying to get is quiet. He goes on to say that it is like that for everyone. Everyone! No one can fail at meditation, because the point isn't to have an empty mind, it's to be able to observe the thoughts and let them go, to not get attached to the worries and lists and Taylor Swift songs (can you tell who is in charge of the iPod at my house?). It felt so good to realize that my experience is actually the norm. I'm not a bad meditator, just a total novice.
I recommend meditation and other mindfulness practices to patients every day. I know I live too much in the past and future, thinking about what I've messed up and what I need to practice to do better later rather than enjoying this moment right now. I see this same pattern in many people with anxiety and depression. Meditation brings us to the present, and asks us to cultivate an internal "witness mind" that sees the swirling patterns of thoughts, and lets them go, realizing that those thoughts and worries, memories and fears, they are not our True Self. So, I plan to keep coming to my cushion every morning. Sometimes I practice focusing on my breath in and out of my nose, other times I need a mantra to give my mind something to latch onto. Either way, I feel better the rest of the day. I feel more grounded, focused, and Present. Isn't that the point?

Book referenced: The Wisdom of Yoga: A Seeker's Guide to Extraordinary Living by Stephen Cope

Body Sense

2010-07-18T10:27:00.003-05:00

I just got home from a week of training in LifeForce Yoga for Depression and Anxiety. The training was led by Amy Weintraub, and if you haven't checked out her book, Yoga for Depression, I would highly recommend it. I learned a lot from this experience, and I'm sure it will fuel a number of posts in the coming weeks. One of the most memorable experiences from the week was also one of the strangest for me. It was a therapeutic long hold of a bridge pose.
Bridge pose is a simple back bend, but it requires a lot of leg and spine strength, as well as flexibility in the psoas muscles. The psoas muscles reach from the rear of the body along the inside of the spine, through the hips, to attach to the top of the femur bone. They are involved in balance and stability, and are also thought to be a repository for emotional baggage such as past trauma, a lack of support in early development, and chronic everyday stress. The theory behind a therapeutic long hold is that the body will release tension without the mind having to get involved. This allows for opening without re-experiencing traumatic memories. However, this is not an exercise that should be done by anyone with PTSD or acute traumatic symptoms, it is simply too powerful.
I have to say I was extremely skeptical that this exercise would do anything other than test my endurance, because I don't love bridge pose. I was with a really great group of people, however, some of whom have done this before, and assured me it would be worth it. So, I dove right in. We held the pose without props, and with no idea how long the experience would last (we later found out it was about 13 minutes). The facilitator also told us we could push up to full wheel pose if we felt the need for more opening. I did go between the two poses a couple of times, and it really allowed me to take it to the next level. Amy and her staff also helped us stay grounded, telling us to stay present and not "zone out" in the pose.
People around me were in varying states of emotional release within 5 -8 minutes. Some people were sobbing, some were laughing, singing, chanting, or just trying to muscle through. In the first 5 minutes I had a flash of a childhood memory, not traumatic, as I fortunately had a pretty "normal" childhood. It was a moment I can best describe as feeling unheard. I don't know why that memory popped up, as I've honestly not thought about it in decades, but there was really no emotion attached to it, in the usual sense of the word. Then I really kind of lost myself in the sensation of my body in the pose. I felt extremely strong and free, and after a second full wheel, I started to cry. I have no idea why. There were no thoughts attached to it initially, but then I had a burst of insight about a dilemma I've been batting around in my mind for months now. When they told us we could release the pose, I didn't want to. When we finally came down, the facilitators led us in a really deep yoga nidra experience (literally "yogic sleep") which is a guided body sensing that relaxes the mind and body and allows you to connect to your deepest source. We did some processing, and some people were unable to let go, and ended up feeling angry and let down by the experience. But most of us had some form of emotional release, whether or not it resulted in any great revelations.
I do not think this is an exercise to be undertaken alone. First of all, I'm not sure it would work without a safe presence in the room to allow you to release. Secondly, I believe the processing afterwards is needed to really garner the benefits. However, it can really open the body and the mind for yogis wanting to get at their deeper core. Interestingly, my body felt really good afterwards. My legs weren't sore, my hips and lower back didn't ache, they felt magnificent, and still do. Amy told us that would be the case, but I honestly didn't believe that for a second. My main lesson from this was that the body is connected to the mind in ways we cannot see in an anatomy book, and not all emotional release needs to come from talking. I do not foresee using this technique with patients or students, but it was a revelation for me personally, and I'm very grateful for the insights I gained.

Here is a link to Amy Weintraub's LifeForce Yoga for Depression website: http://www.yogafordepression.com/index.html
Check out http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/472 for a description of bridge pose.

The Law of Detachment

2010-07-05T20:43:00.005-05:00

I have admitted in previous posts that I struggle with expectations, I become too attached to a particular outcome and lose sight of the journey. This has been a lifelong issue, as I have always been a planner. I like to know ahead of time what the schedule will be, who I will see, what I need to bring, then I tend to list it all in a notebook so I can refer to it as I'm going. I do believe I've gotten a bit "looser" with this tendency since I've started doing yoga, but I'm betting my husband would say I still have a ways to go.
I just finished reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra, and it has forced me to have another look at my attachment. This book has been on my list for a long time, but I finally got around to reading it after yet another yogi said I really needed to get this one in my head. Boy, he was right. The book is short, but very "spiritually dense" if you know what I mean. The whole thing is filled with passages I've highlighted, but the last 2 laws resonated the most with me.
The penultimate law is the law of detachment. This fits in perfectly with my little expectation and planning problem, as it states we must let go of our attachment to the outcome or result of every situation. In this book, he is relating it to "success," but this certainly applies to many other areas of life. Deepak Chopra explains that if we have only one way to reach any goal, or only one perfect result, we set ourselves up to miss other possibilities. What if there were other, more interesting ways to reach the same goal? What if we flowed with the universe, allowing it to guide us, instead of planning every inch of the way?
I read this and felt a light bulb go on in my brain. I'm hopeful this will be the light bulb that finally allows me to budge on this whole attachment thing, because I am telling you this tendency runs deep! I am trying to put this into practice, as I'm leaving Friday for a training program on Yoga for Depression. I am excited, but I have no idea where I'm going, who I'm going to meet, what the schedule will be, and what or where I will eat. I could probably find out a lot of these things if I compulsively checked the internet, quizzed every yogi I know, or called the course director, but I don't actually need to know these things. I know when my flight leaves, and where the shuttle will pick me up. I know roughly what I need to pack. I know I'm excited to learn something new and different and connect with other mental health professionals who are passionate about yoga and how it can help our patients. Beyond that, I am going to let go of my expectations, open my heart, and see what possibilities arise!

Book referenced: The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success - A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams by Deepak Chopra

Seriously, No Happy Pill

2010-06-30T08:15:00.002-05:00

As a psychopharmacologist, I prescribe a lot of medications for people struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. I have tried to become clear in recent years in describing what I expect these medications can and cannot do. Sometimes I forget to give the speech, but a lot of times people do not hear what they do not want to hear. I believe medications can save lives and can take a depressed person from complete despair to functional. Sometimes the results are nothing short of miraculous, most of the time they are not.
My short speech explains that medications can provide symptomatic relief for the illness they are intended to treat. They can make a person more energetic, sleep better, feel more engaged and less irritable, and reduce unwarranted crying spells. They will not, however, make a person happy. The pills cannot bring joy or love, they can't take away a terrible job or marriage, and they will not make every day a lovely party filled with sunshine. Ok, that last part I don't actually say, but it's implied. Yet at least every week, if not more often, I am told by formerly depressed people that they are not happy. Or worse from my standpoint, that they still have bad days now and then. Really? So do I... Life is full of ups and downs, and emotions will change with circumstances. If you have a lousy job, you will have to find a way to cope with it and not let it create despair, or you will have to find another job. Prozac will not change that fact.
I am on a roll on my good old soap box here, but I think this topic is so important, I named my blog after it! I have been reading a lot of so-called happiness psychology, and it makes serious sense to me. We have to choose each day to be in the moment, to not let the little things bring us down and to practice gratitude. These choices will help us stay afloat on the waves of circumstance and emotion that can affect our mood. Again, medications are necessary for some people to allow them to get to the point of being able to choose. That is their value. Then, as my speech usually ends, the real work begins. We can choose to exercise, breathe, practice a spiritual pursuit, eat well and find a way to give back to others. These plus many other positive experiences will help us choose happiness each and every day.

Self-Doubt

2010-06-24T20:20:00.002-05:00

My son DJ is 8. There are days when he thinks he is the greatest thing ever to walk the earth. The smartest in his class, the best looking, the best athlete. Then there are days like today where he misses a fly ball and he thinks he is the biggest dork in the world. No amount of reassurance can convince him that he is a great ball player in spite of his error, and the great throw he made to get an out at second is completely irrelevant in his self-assessment. There are factors that make him more likely to doubt himself: being seen messing up by other people (especially his peers), being overtired, and really wanting to do well.
These seem to be fairly universal factors. If I wobble in tree pose in my home practice, I can shrug it off. If I'm in the front row in yoga class, I am likely to call myself an idiot for hours afterwards. So, fear of being judged harshly by others makes me doubt myself. The second factor, being overtired, is just another way of saying our defenses are down. Overtired, behind schedule, not enough prep time, my lucky socks were dirty, whatever, if the situation is less than ideal, I am less confident. The third factor, wanting it so badly, is also universal. DJ really wants to hit a home run. Hitting the fence is therefore a failure.
So let's put all of these together for a recent scenario in my life. I offered to teach a gentle yoga class to my parents in my basement. I didn't have enough time to practice beforehand, so I was nervous and doubting some parts of the class. I really wanted to do well in front of my parents so they would approve of my yoga teaching (yes I have mother issues), and my kids were taking my class as well. It was a perfect storm of factors to create self-doubt and criticism. I did come off nervous initially, and didn't present as well as I would've liked. The kids got squirrelly, and the middle of the class became a bit of a circus when our cat Jack Jack caught a mouse in the furnace room (I swear I'm not making this up) and ran toward the stairs. Afterwards, I felt I had let myself down. I didn't show myself as the teacher I'm striving to become, because the class completely dissolved into chaos. Ok, how could it not, after that? I can laugh about it, because it was clearly ridiculous, but that doesn't stop the self-questioning. How could I have prepared better? Why don't I practice mirroring more so I'm not confused in front of people? Why didn't I lock the cats in another room? Why was there a mouse in the basement?!
I don't know a way around the three factors I mentioned above, except to be aware of the traps that tend to create self-doubt in the first place. We cannot prepare for every scenario, and we cannot prevent crazy random things from going wrong (seriously, a mouse?). However, self-confidence doesn't have to come out of perfection. Being able to laugh at myself goes a long way towards recovering from embarrassment. Preparing properly allows me to feel confident no matter what the outcome, because I know I've tried my best. Walking tall in front of others shows that I recognize I am a strong and intelligent woman, even if I trip and fall. Letting go of a desired outcome lets me enjoy the ride rather than striving for something I cannot control. Now if only I can teach all that to DJ so he doesn't have to work on self-doubt when he gets to my age!

Breathe

2010-06-17T22:14:00.003-05:00

From the moment we are born to the moment our souls leave our bodies, we are breathing. It is the one constant thing in our lives, yet our breath is also ever-changing. If we are calm and relaxed, it is slow and deep. If we are anxious or upset, it can be shallow, gasping and tight. We have to breathe, and if we try to stop, eventually our brain will force the issue, making us take an involuntary breath. Yet we can control our breathing to some extent, unlike most other biological functions. Behavioral techniques can lengthen the breath and calm the body, reducing tension and slowing the heart rate. So, we can affect how we feel by changing our breath!
I hardly ever give a thought to my breathing. I don't notice it until I'm feeling short of breath, quite frankly, then I wonder if I'll ever feel full of oxygen again! The typical posture of a stressed out American works against getting a full breath into the lungs. Our shoulders slump forward, our chest caves in and our neck collapses. This reduces our lung capacity significantly and leads to shallow breaths into our upper chest, which only perpetuates tension in our muscles. I feel the effects of a day slumped over my desk in my neck and shoulders, and I bet you have felt it, too! Taking time to stretch the shoulders, open the chest, and take some deep breaths can restore energy during a mid-day slump. Our minds can refocus because our oxygen saturation goes up. All this from a simple stretch at the desk!
The other wonderful thing about the breath is it's constancy. I am working on becoming more mindful, and one way I can come back to this moment at any time is to stop and notice my breath. Listening and feeling the air going in and out of my nostrils grounds my flighty thoughts and zaps me back into the now. This is actually a simple form of meditation anyone can perform, simply sit quietly and "watch" the breath. Notice the air as it flows in and out, and let all other thoughts simply drift away with your exhales. Try this the next time you're living in the future, worrying about all you have to get done. See if it doesn't ground you back into the present. The breath is a gift, keeping our bodies alive and our minds calm and focused, if we use it wisely.

Beauty

2010-06-16T11:46:00.001-05:00

Beauty is all around us, and some days the brillance just dazzles me. I'm not certain if it is the sun and blue sky after so much rain, the amazing yoga class this morning, or the nice woman who painted flowers on my toes at the nail salon, but I'm feeling the sweetness today. Some days we keep our heads down and avoid looking at anything. Our shoulders slump and it gets harder to feel our heart energy. Today I'm standing tall!
We can find beauty all around us, if we look. The women trying to lift off into crow pose for the first time, and the pros flying high, they all shine. The warmth of a smile and a kind word from a stranger shows me their beauty, no matter what they look like. I believe my open heart today will draw kindness to me from others. Smiles are meant to be returned, whether or not you belive in the law of attraction. Join me in keeping your heart open and your eyes lifted today, enjoy the beauty around you!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Take Time

2010-06-10T21:24:00.004-05:00

Every summer I try to schedule a few extra days off to enjoy myself. Every year, I wish I had blocked out more time. Summer is short in the Midwest, and we pack it full of art fests, outdoor ballgames and fireworks. This year, we already have something planned every weekend in July! Our schedule is packed! When I am on the go so much, it becomes more of a challenge to remember to breathe and enjoy myself. Even if we are headed somewhere fun, it becomes an item on the calendar, rather than a Cubs' game. I get cranky if we don't get out the door when I expected, or if someone forgets their water bottle. I lose sight of the entire objective: a good time!
I am still a novice at staying in the moment. I spend a lot of time planning and expecting, when I should be relaxing and letting it be. I work every day on staying present and not projecting into the future. It's not easy for me, though! Shopping for groceries the other day was a perfect example. I was racing around the store trying to remember every item we needed. I looked over, and couldn't find my daughter Zee for a moment. I turned and saw her, back by the front of the store, and started to yell at her to keep up. Then I noticed she was smelling the flowers. Literally. The big buckets of them in the front of the produce section. Wow, didn't that bring me up short. There was absolutely no reason for my hurry, and she was just enjoying her surroundings in this moment, rather than anticipating what was coming in the next one.
My goal this summer is to take more time. Time off, time doing what I enjoy, and yes, time smelling the flowers. I have a lot of commitments scheduled, and I will accomplish what needs to be done. In between, I will enjoy the moment, hopefully outdoors in the sunshine! Summer vacation is upon us, and even though we don't get three months off, we can still savor the fun we find time for, even if it is scheduled in advance.

Balance

2010-06-09T08:17:00.002-05:00

I read somewhere that a balanced life looks different to different people. Sounds strange, but I think we can find truth in that statement. Balance to me means enough time for each sphere of my life: family, work, yoga, and maybe some left over for me. Maybe I ought to move myself up in the priority list :) Finding balance is a challenge for most people, I hear about it all day long. We work too much, and let the demands of career overtake everything else. There's no time for exercise, no time for simple pleasures like coffee with friends, and there is never time to make and prepare nutritious food. All of these things would fall under the "me" category, I believe!
In yoga, when we are doing balancing poses, we find a steady gaze, or dristi. We keep our eyes focused softly on one point and it helps keep us upright. A single focus allows the extraneous stuff to become less of a distraction, and our minds calm, too. However, what if our focus is too one-pointed? I have recognized in a challenging balance sequence that I'm staring at the dot on the Buddha tapestry for all I'm worth. I forget to notice my hip in tree pose, and sink into it instead of lifting out and allowing some sway. Eventually it becomes more likely that I'll topple over, not less! So, I have to find balance in my focus, as well.
In real life, this can mean keeping a goal in sight, but not at the expense of everything else. We have to allow for the flow, sway with the breeze a little bit, and remember that balance is never static. In every pose, we have some movement, little corrections that redirect our energy and weight. We may appear to be quite still, but our body is always balancing effort with relaxation and finding the best way to keep us upright.

Expectations

2010-06-03T21:26:00.004-05:00

I read a wonderful blog post today that concluded with these words: "...the ability to be happy and experience peace at any given moment is not contingent on how I expected an event to occur. We all have the ability to manage expectations, change our state of mind and ultimately be happy regardless of how we expect things will unfold." (Posted on tinybuddha.com by Jared Akers, author of the blog spiritualzen.net)
This article came to my inbox at the perfect time, as I am feeling disappointed because my expectations are not going to be met. I have made great progress on my spiritual path, but this is my biggest sticking point. I want things the way I want them, and right now. Maybe it's growing up an only child in America. Maybe it's my inner control freak, or my vata-pitta nature. Whatever the reason, it's hard for me to avoid projecting my wants onto most situations. I didn't want to be stuck in traffic on the way to the dance recital last night. I don't want to cancel my upcoming lunch with a friend. But these things are out of my control, and I have to change my state of mind here! (You can hear the "dammit" at the end of that statement, can't you? I'll leave it off then.) The only control I have right now is over my reaction. I know this is true, and eventually I will get back to my breath and recognize that I can still be happy even though things will not go the way I would like.
Expectations creep up for me all day long. I expect sunshine, happy children and Life cereal for breakfast. Now you can see how I've set myself up to be disappointed all day long. Clouds, my son coming off the wrong side of the bed and something as silly as running out of my favorite cereal will bring me crashing down. I can roll with it and stay on top of the water, or I can sink into the muck. Some days I have to work much, much harder at changing my state of mind. Other days I have the fortitude to recognize the outcome of any given situation is beyond my control. Then I can stay in the joy that is my true nature no matter what is happening around me. I am hopeful these days will become more frequent, but I won't say that I expect it...
Much thanks to tinybuddha.com and Jared Akers of spiritualzen.net for the slap of perspective :) I really love the tinybuddha emails, you can sign up on their website if you're interested.

Body Image

2010-05-30T21:09:00.001-05:00

When I was young I had a couple of naturally skinny friends. I was not fat, but these girls were very thin. We started to notice the differences between us as we got a little older, and in fourth grade or so I started to feel like the fat girl in the group. I wasn't nuts with negative body image or anything, but these thoughts were compounded as puberty hit and I rounded out noticably. I struggled with body image a lot in high school, trying different exercises and flirting with bulimia. I still have moments when I dislike parts of my body.
I think my body image issues are actually more the norm than anything disordered in our society, which is pretty sad as far as I'm concerned. I have a lot more respect for my body these days because of what it can do physically. Yoga has made me strong and mindful of my movements and my breathing, and I'm in the best shape of my life. Yet I still worry about my appearance at times, in an irrational way.
I have been constantly conscious of how I talk about appearance since I've had kids. I can honestly say I have never asked my husband if I look fat in something, and we don't talk about dieting or losing weight. But, my 6 year old daughter Zee has already made comments that strike fear in my heart. She said her belly is too big (and now will not even say the word belly). I have no idea where these ideas have come from but I am going to be all over them in an instant.
I believe yoga has significantly improved my body image, and multiple research studies support this, as well as it's effect on mindful eating. I hope to introduce Zee to some kids yoga at this impressionable age so she can feel more secure in her own skin rather than relying on external validation. I am also reading a book on fostering positive body esteem in kids (if it's good I'll post a reference later). I never imagined I would have to worry about this so soon!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Accountability

2010-05-26T17:45:00.003-05:00

I am reading another book about happiness, called "How We Choose to be Happy" by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks. It explains the traits shared by truly happy people whom the authors met during years of research. The book also offers ideas how we mere mortals with average happiness can incorporate these traits into our lives. I just finished reading about the second choice, "accountability." On page 46 of the book, the authors describe what this means to a happy person: "Happy people don't see themselves as victims, even under the most difficult circumstances. Their focus is on finding solutions to their problem and looking for what they can do to make their lives better." The happy people they describe accept responsibility for their own lives, the good and the bad, and recognize they can make choices that will further their own goals.
It follows that unhappy people make different choices. They may blame others for their problems, or get stuck in a victim or martyr role, as these sad choices have the potential to be self-perpetuating. It is never easy to accept responsibility for actions that have gone wrong or caused harm, yet if we do, we show a strength of character that can connect us with others rather than causing more separation.
I've been dealing with an ugly situation this week, in which one person is choosing blame and victimhood rather than accountability. Poor choices were made that couldn't have been ignored. However, had they accepted responsibility and said "I made poor choices, I'm sorry and it won't happen again" there are relationships that could have been salvaged. As it is, the finger-pointing, angry tirades and "How could you do this to me?" have closed doors that probably won't be reopened. Reading "How we Choose to be Happy" has forced me to look at my role in this scenario. Even though the choices weren't mine, boundaries could have been set that would have removed me from the action altogether. I can learn from this and ensure I am accountable for making different choices in the future.
But accountability is not just for mistakes and mea culpas. It also means responsibility for our own happiness. I am accountable to myself for my own life. Things don't just happen to me, I can choose actions to further my own success, my own comfort and my own joy. I understand how this philosophy leads to greater happiness, because it implies that we have the control and are not powerless in any situation. I don't have to sit around waiting for good things to happen! This means, however, that I'm not allowed to sit around and wait for good things to happen... I think I'm pretty good at accepting responsibility for my mistakes. My next step is actively choosing to further my own happiness.

Reference: "How we Choose to be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People- Their Secrets, Their Stories" by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks

Just Breathe

2010-05-24T20:20:00.003-05:00

I had to remind myself to breathe today. I saw a new patient that became very angry and started shouting at their partner in another language in my hallway. It was a tense moment for everyone in my office, and I was afraid I would have to call 911. Luckily, the situation de-escalated, but my breathing did not return to normal for quite some time. I was agitated and anxious, and breathing fast and high into my chest. Instead of calming down, I wondered why I felt so nervous even an hour later. My own physiology was at fault. My rapid breath was increasing the CO2 in my body, and not allowing the exchange of oxygen I needed. When I finally figured this out, I was able to bring it back into conscious control.
Breathing is not a totally unconscious physical function of our body. We can control our breath, where it goes, how fast or slow, at least to a certain extent. And the way we breathe significantly affects our physical and emotional responses to stress. Deep, conscious breathing into the abdomen triggers the parasympathetic nervous system and can override the stress response. But we must focus to create this type of breathing if we are already anxious. Stress hormones like epinephrine increase our respiratory rate, and we tend to breathe quickly to suck in as much oxygen as possible. If we don't take the time to exhale fully, we can end up with too much toxic carbon dioxide in the blood, and become light-headed and dizzy... these can be some of the first symptoms of a panic attack!
So how do we take control of our breath? The first thing to do is recognize a stressed breathing pattern. Sitting quietly and simply observing the breath is a good place to start. I finally recognized my shallow breaths when I felt my heart pounding and kept yawning. Hmm, my body trying to tell me something! The next step is to slow the rate of breathing. Don't hold the breath, simply sip the air in more slowly through the nose. Inhale all the way into the belly, the chest and finally up to the collar bones, then exhale. Make the exhale longer than the inhale. A good place to start is inhale for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 8. Do this for several breaths or a few minutes, ideally, and you will feel the calmness start to return.
Dysfunctional breathing patterns, like any good dysfunction, develop from years of bad habits, and can take a lot of observation and redirection to correct. However, the payoff is short-circuiting anxiety before it takes over. Fear and stress are a part of most of our lives at some point or another. The breath is a powerful tool we always have with us to regain our center.

Satya

2010-05-20T18:33:00.001-05:00

DJ told me he has a friend, Keith, that tells lies. Keith tries to impress people by saying he has lots of toys and money. If someone gets a special honor, he claims he received the same one. DJ likes to play with Keith, but recognizes that his lying isn't cool. Tonight I asked him to think about his friend, and how sad it is that he feels he must tell lies to get attention.
DJ then told me about his other friend, Charlie, who is happy for him if his artwork gets displayed at school, and can be himself no matter what. Guess who he'd rather play with? Even at the age of 8, kids can tell a genuine person from a braggart, and choose who they want to spend time with on the playground. Charlie doesn't have more stuff than Keith, and he isn't better at sports or video games. But he doesn't have to pretend to be something he's not to feel good.
In yogic philosophy the term for truthfulness is Satya. It implies being honest with speech and actions, but also honest with our own thoughts. My guess is that Keith has an elaborate system of lies in his own mind to justify the way he acts. I feel sad that he lacks confidence and will surely lose friends because of his lying. It was a good way to talk about Satya, and how even little fibs that don't seem to matter can hurt you. The kids could easily recognize that Keith's lies were not terrible or harmful to others, but were hurting him all the same. I hope they also learned to show compassion to a braggart, and recognize that his lies come from sadness inside.

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The Little Things

2010-05-17T18:28:00.003-05:00

I was at a large gathering of my husband's family this weekend. There were several relatives there I hadn't met before, and many others we haven't seen in a very long time. This included one of my husband's great uncles, who we met briefly several years ago. He is in his eighties, and I honestly don't even recall where we met. A wedding, maybe? Since that time, we've sent him a Christmas card each year. In this day and age, this is really not a big deal. You just type in the address, and it prints out with all the others. However, this gentleman did not regard this as a small thing. He made a point to tell me how much he appreciated our cards, and what a kind and thoughtful person I am for sending it to him. Huh. Who would have thought?

My lesson from this brief encounter is that we can never know the impact small gestures will have on someone else. I wonder if the Starbucks cashier knows how pleased she made me by complimenting my make-up this morning? That made it easier for me to smile at people in line at Walgreens, and maybe they will be more likely to offer a kind word to the next person they meet. It's an epidemic of kindness and love! That's so much nicer than the typical pattern of anger and frustration seeping from one person to infect the next. Little gestures can brighten a bad day, or make a person feel appreciated. I know I will be more likely to look for small ways to be kind after realizing the impact something so little can make to another person.

Nerves

2010-05-15T11:38:00.000-05:00

I am nearing the end of my yoga teacher training and taking the baby steps to progress from student to teacher. I say baby steps because I am holding myself back somehow. I did my first assistant teaching last night, which involves following the lead of the teacher and making adjustments or assists to students. Not a big deal, I didn't have to speak or create a series or theme, but I was so anxious before the class! It went well, and I actually really enjoyed it, so why all the nerves?
My next step is going to be creating my own class to teach to friends or family, people truly "on my side." But once again I'm so anxious! I haven't even started trying to put together a class plan yet. Although there is no urgency, it is the next step I must take to finish the program. There are several women in my class who are already teaching regular classes! I am a confident, intelligent woman with a lot of great ideas to share. Right?? So why do I get filled with self-doubt?
I think most of us have struggled with confidence at one time or another. I am trying to explore where my crisis is coming from. I have taught before, in various capacities, and I was a performer for years. But I think I'm struggling to find my voice. Am I soft-spoken and kind, sharing spiritual thoughts, or am I assertive and funny, weaving interesting anecdotes into the theme? Can I be both? I have had both kinds of teachers, and one beautiful teacher who can be both depending on the class. I don't want to be her, but can I inspire students the way she has inspired me?
I am going to start small with a simple class for my family, then for some girfriends, then for my office staff. These are kind supportive people who will be on my side. Then I can venture into more challenging groups where students don't know me personally. In the meantime, I will be working on my voice, speaking more, writing more, opening my throat chakra. I made great strides in opening up writing this blog, then let it slip away in the last several weeks. I hope to move ahead, and begin again on my road to self-expression. This will allow me to welcome inspiration and share it with others. That is my true goal!

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Motherhood

2010-05-10T19:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and we moms deserve some serious credit. Motherhood is probably the most challenging job there is, in my opinion. Before we had DJ, one of our friends with kids asked us "What are you two going to do with a baby?!" I was mortally offended at the time, but later realized he was commenting more on the challenges of parenting than our inability to do it.
Every stage of growth adds a new challenge. I have to say we make really awful babies (one word: colic), and Zee was a particularly willful 3 year old. But they are turning out to be lovely young people. They are, of course, the smartest, most talented, gifted and beautiful children in the world :)
Motherhood requires an incredible amount of multi-tasking. I have to make dinner while helping with homework and piano practice. There's usually laundry going, baths to be given, and sometimes my pager starts beeping just to add to the fun. It can feel like a three ring circus. Sometimes it's challenging to take care of everything.
But the most difficult times are not the sports, dance, music, homework stuff, it's the emotions I experience when they are hurting. I can become a mama bear in an instant, but have to watch it and not go ballistic on some kid calling Zee names, or telling DJ he's not a good artist. My son is particularly sensitive to teasing, so we've had several of these kinds of situations. It's hard to stay back and let them fight their own battles when appropriate, and we can't fix everything. I try to help them make the best choices and stay true to themselves.
Motherhood can be a serious challenge, especially if I'm tired, or sick, or just need some alone time. That can be really hard to come by! I don't believe we should sacrifice all for our kids, they need to recognize that we must take care of ourselves, too. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom to get a few minutes to myself, but most of the time I wouldn't trade my job as mom for anything!

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Acceptance

2010-05-06T20:11:00.003-05:00

DJ and I have been arguing about proper attire in the spring weather. The problem is that it changes daily in the Midwest, and while we could comfortably wear shorts earlier in the week, we will need jackets tomorrow. Yesterday he lamented that the weather "goes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth before it's finally warm!" Yep. That's right. We could fight the weather each day and keep wishing it was warm, but wishing don't make the sun shine, now does it?
We live in a society that is always searching for something better. We think a few more dollars, a better house, or sunny spring weather will bring us joy. Yet we are often disappointed to find we don't really feel that much differently even when we get what we want. Then we want something else... Consider common Midwestern small-talk (which is almost always about the weather): We go from complaining about the cold to moaning about the heat. We are not content with the present, and we are wasting time wishing it could be different.
Why are we so attached to one particular outcome? I used to make myself crazy worrying about things outside my control, hoping and praying events would turn out the way I wanted. I was fairly certain our trip to the water park would be ruined if it was cool, and obsessively checked the weather before we left. It was cool, and we spent more time at the indoor slides. And everyone had a great time. And... all that worrying was for nothing! Who says there is only one way for us to be happy?
I have only recently started to look at this tendency in myself, and I am learning about acceptance. In yoga, we practice "non-attachment" to the outcome on the mat, knowing that if we fall we just have to get up again. The perfect pose may be there one day, but not the next, so we accept where we are on this day. As so many yogic teachings do, this one works in real life, too. If I stay accepting of any outcome, be it the weather, the new patient who may be difficult, or the traffic, I remain calm and peaceful inside. No matter what is happening around me. I'm not saying this is easy. I have to remind myself constantly to let go of my attachment to a wished-for result. It is harder this time of year, because I can't disagree with DJ, I do wish it was warm and sunny! I want to get to the point of acceptance, so that rain or sun, my attitude doesn't change.

Words Matter

2010-05-03T20:14:00.002-05:00

I was at Target yesterday, and the woman in line behind me was growing more flustered with her kids by the minute. Her child committed one final egregious offense, and she said loudly "I swear you're birth control for people without kids!" This wasn't the first time I've heard this comment, maybe some comedian made it popular? But I was shocked. She also had an older son, who clearly heard her and knew what she was saying. I have also had the experience of asking people how their kids are, and been told (with their kids right next to them) that they are "rotten," and my favorite of all time, "buttheads." Seriously. Kids were right there. Now you have to wonder if maybe their behavior has something to do with the parents? Kids have particularly sensitive ears when you're talking about them.
But our words can hurt adults, too. I think we've all made comments in frustration, or "jokingly" (when really we weren't), that we regret later. Our words can affect personal relationships, business interactions, or total strangers in line with us at the Target. I heard a quote once that says "Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, and our actions become our character." Kind of puts a new spin on it, doesn't it? Now I'm thinking more carefully about my thoughts, too!
The book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz is a wonderful little book in size, but it contains profound ideas about how to live life. It won't ruin the book to tell you that the first agreement is "Be impeccable with your word." Don Miguel argues that our words are so important that they can "change a whole belief for better or for worse." Think of the example of the kids at Target. The mom was really saying he was a terrible kid, and I think it could be inferred that she wouldn't have had him if she knew what she was in for. Maybe that child was just having fun being a kid, and mom was having a bad morning. He now believes that mom thinks he's rotten. Perhaps even a butthead. Possibly he then questions his own worth for the first time? I'm not saying he will end up in a gutter as a teen, but you get the idea. Our words reflect our innermost thoughts, and they tell a lot about our character. Speaking with intention to communicate clearly and honestly is a goal that can be achieved, if we are working on our thoughts and character, too.
Words can also have a positive impact. Giving a compliment, saying a heartfelt thanks, or offering a sincere apology can foster better relationships. If our thoughts are coming from our hearts, from a place of love and peace, then we can use our words to influence those around us in a beautiful way. Think of Martin Luther King, Jr. or Gandhi. I like to think of the positive things I can do with my words. What we say really matters, and can affect the world for good or bad. If I work towards kindness or "impeccability" in my speech, I can hope to influence others around me to do the same. Maybe then kindness and peace will attract more kindness and peace and all of our interactions will be sincere.

Not My Problem

2010-04-30T20:55:00.002-05:00

I am reading a fabulous book called "The Geography of Bliss" by Eric Weiner. I highly recommend it to anyone who will listen. I was particularly struck by this comment he wrote after visiting a very unhappy country: "'Not my problem' is not a philosophy. It's a mental illness. Right up there with pessimism. Other people's problems are our problems." He theorizes that a lack of empathy towards others leads to a lack of happiness.
I have seen this attitude at work in many people. Passing the buck or refusing to accept responsibility for one's actions leads a person to act as if they have no responsibility. If they've harmed another, they are exempt from feeling bad. If they've made a costly mistake at work, it doesn't affect their bottom line. This fosters a lack of connection with other people, an isolation. How can we trust anyone if we know, deep down, that we ourselves cannot be trusted?
It can be very challenging to admit we've made a mistake. I hate having to say I was wrong, but I've gotten better at it over the years. A simple I'm sorry can repair a whole lot of damage, in our personal or professional interactions. I read a study once that said doctors who made errors but apologized were significantly less likely to be sued. Of course, our goal is to never make mistakes, but to err is human after all.
Saying I'm sorry is another way to say I care. I care enough to recognize my effect on another person. Or I understand and feel the pain of another, the true definition of empathy. What greater connection can there be between people? I have been saddened by the "not my problem" attitude I've witnessed this week, but I was also heartened by the kindness offered from a truly caring person at work. I am hopeful that we can all learn from examples of love and kindness offered by others. Opening your heart is scary, and can be very vulnerable. But the rewards we receive are boundless.

Birthdays

2010-04-28T21:49:00.003-05:00

Today is my birthday! I'm not sure why, but I feel weird saying that out loud, like I'm expecting people to make much of me. Luckily, Facebook posts your birth date, so all of your "friends" can see it. So I was wished a happy birthday by about 70 people. I can't tell you how fantastic that makes me feel! I was also wished happy birthday by the front desk people at the massage spa, and received at least 10 birthday coupons to various stores or websites. I intend to use every one of them....
I used my morning to think about what I'd like to accomplish this year. Birthdays are a beginning of sorts, so it seems like the perfect time to take stock and set some goals. I am trying to solidify my ideas into an actual plan for the upcoming year. I fear change, so this has been very scary for me! My main goals are: I plan to complete my yoga teacher training and start teaching classes. Somewhere. Don't nail me down on details right now. I plan to take Lifeforce Yoga for Depression training this summer and begin to shift my clinical practice toward more therapy and yoga and less medication. I plan to trim back my work hours and have more time for my family. All super positive things, and all in the works.
I also started my morning by expecting to have a great year. I believe setting intentions helps guide us in our choices so we keep focused on our goals. I am planning some fairly radical changes this year, and am trusting that the universe is on my side. There is a full moon, and it's my birthday. I think all my wishes should come true!

Aging

2010-04-27T12:54:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am not old, I am probably not even middle-aged yet. But I have been conscious of getting older for at least the last decade. My friend told me the other day that DJ is closer to college than we are, he's only 10 years from starting, while we had our 15 year reunion last year (you can do the math now and figure out exactly how old I am, can't you? Oops!). Yikes! So, I'm gaining years yet I don't really feel any differently than I did at 26. I actually think I feel better, due to all the yoga and not being in medical school, being settled personally and financially, it's all good. So why does the number matter? Ok, I will be 38 tomorrow. There are a lot of famous movie stars my age, and they even still get cast in romantic comedies. The Sex and the City cast are all older than me. I must still be relevant!
I don't feel over the hill. Yet I am confronted with anti-aging products everywhere I go. Every magazine is filled with ads for the latest miracle cream or procedure to get rid of your wrinkles. Do I need a chemical peel? A line filler? Botox?! I admit that I am a VIB at Sephora (for those of you not in the loop, that's a Beauty Insider...). I am really a sucker for the latest cream or make-up trick. I worry about lines under my eyes, sagging eyelids and dark circles. I use one eye cream in the morning, followed by a primer and concealer, and another cream at night. I don't even want to count the number of creams I use on the rest of my face! I do think they camouflage signs of tiredness or fatigue, but I can't say they make me look, or feel, younger. I don't believe that's really my goal, because I am honestly pretty satisfied with how I look. I can't imagine the number of products I would need if I wasn't!!
I think I am trying to overcome the feeling that as women, we become invisible after a certain age. But I know 46 year old women who can do handstands in yoga class, so what does the number matter? I don't think it hurts to try to look and feel my best at every age, so long as it's not obsessive. I will continue to use my creams and chase the perfect solution for that thing that has started happening to my neck, but I don't see myself resorting to botox or more extensive alterations. I am always striving to be happy with myself as a whole package. That is a work in progress, and if Philosophy Microdelivery peel can help, I say why not?

Play Time

2010-04-25T16:37:00.002-05:00

My yoga teacher talked about play this morning, saying we cannot have freedom if we don't also have fun. So in order to be truly relaxed and expansive, we have to be able to let loose and laugh at ourselves. Wow! What a concept. I see my kids play every day, imagining elaborate story lines, and acting them out, or building forts in the basement, or just running and spinning and jumping until they fall down. When was the last time I let loose like that? I can think of one night at an 80s bar downtown with my girlfriends, but does that count?
It's hard to be silly past a certain age. I am always cheered by people who seem to be really enjoying themselves, even though they're in public. Like the Starbucks barista who asked me for my order in song this afternoon. Literally sang to me, what do you want today? I couldn't help but smile, and I gave her a nice tip (but I didn't sing back to her...). Then there are people who can be truly outrageous in fashion, but somehow manage to look like they're having fun, rather than ridiculous. Wild hats, bright colors, finger nails with leopard spots, I don't think I could pull those things off, and would be terrified to try.
So where can an otherwise starched adult let loose? Dancing can be very freeing, if you can get over self-consciousness and just have fun, which doesn't happen for many people without booze involved. Same thing for karaoke. I think play time is not a high priority for most adults. Most of our fun comes from watching someone else, like movies or TV. To actively participate in physical fun requires a leap of faith and a willingness to be ok with the outcome, even if you look ridiculous. I know I can avoid appearing totally nuts by doing things with my kids. I will get in the inflatable bouncer at our neighborhood parties, or do cartwheels in our backyard. Last year several parents got into a water fight started by the kids. Everyone was soaked, and laughing their heads off!
Yoga class is another place to play and try fun things. I feel so blessed to have teachers who lead us in handstands across a "runway" of mats, or have us pick up our knees and march around swinging our arms. We try arm balances just because we can, and everybody falls sometimes. But nobody cares. When I first started classes, I couldn't believe how freeing it was to know that if I try something new and fail, I get to try again another time and maybe I'll succeed then. Or maybe I won't, but I'll keep kicking up my feet, trying to get them over my head! In the end it feels like recess. Wouldn't we all be happier if that were a regular part of our day, even as a grown-up?

Earth Day

2010-04-21T21:03:00.001-05:00

It is the fortieth anniversary of Earth Day this year. Conservation has come a long way in that time, and it is suddenly cool to be earth conscious. I try to do my part to be "green." I drive a Prius, I carry reusable grocery bags and an aluminum water bottle, and I started using cloth napkins. We wash laundry in cold water and are gradually replacing our incandescent bulbs with the new kind. So that's all pretty good, but I'm no saint. I am hopeful that the small changes we made will balance out other not so green choices. I don't want to out myself here, let's just say I prefer a warm house...
I love the idea of living sustainably and eating all local produce, growing our own food and composting. The reality is we would have little to eat in the winter in the Midwest, and composting involves worms. So there are simple choices everyone can make, but few of us have the knowledge or commitment to go the extra mile. If we all make small changes, they can add up to a big difference, though!
I have to say I think the earth is in trouble. I know I have a responsibility to our planet, and part of that is teaching my children about conservation. They are growing up in a generation of recyclers, where a lot of these choices are discussed at home and in the classroom. DJ has corrected people if they toss plastic in the garbage, and he cannot understand why you wouldn't choose cloth napkins... you can use them again! Duh!
Earth Day is a good time to remind ourselves to be conscious consumers and to do our best to foster a sustainable lifestyle. I am hopeful that we can turn around some of the damage done in our decades of ignorance.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Nostalgia

2010-04-19T18:33:00.001-05:00

I attended a concert put on by my alma mater yesterday. The orchestra, band and choir all performed, and it was really a nice show. I was in the choir all through college, so their performance was particularly stirring for me.
I really loved choir! We sang challenging and beautiful music, and bonded over tours on spring break. We were by and large not close friends outside of choir, but I've kept in touch with several people over the years. We have even sung at each others' weddings. We know the same inside jokes and remember most of the songs we sang together. We could break into I Am the Rose of Sharon in 4 part harmony 16 years after graduation, and would add gestures to emphasize the suggestive lyrics (as if they could be missed!).
I got misty-eyed watching the choir singing, knowing they have similar relationships, and undoubtedly plenty of jokes the audience never sees. In college I had all the time in the world to make close friends, the kind with whom you share everything. Some are still a big part of my life, some are Facebook Friends, and some are whereabouts unknown. One thing for certain, I thought of them all yesterday, wishing we were on stage, then "circling up" to sing our school song By the Mighty Mississippi...

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Peer Pressure

2010-04-16T20:26:00.003-05:00

I have had to tell my 8 year old son DJ to pull up his shorts the last several days in a row. He has decided that it looks cool to wear them hanging down off his backside, and required boxer shorts to wear under them, because "they look better when they show above your shorts!" Ok, I am not ready for this. He and his buddies are clearly discussing this kind of thing. They have somehow decided what's cool, and now they all have to wear the same thing. I witnessed this phenomenon with Zee last fall when she declared that she no longer liked princesses. Her little buddies were into some other toy, and she couldn't feel part of the group if she chose a different favorite plaything. So my kids aren't even tweens, and their peers are having a strong influence on them.

I worry about peer pressure, not because I think my kids will be pushed into making bad choices like drugs or sex (I'm hoping I still have a couple of years before that stuff hits!), but I fear they will be afraid to be themselves. It can be hard to be independent and intelligent without being labelled a geek or teacher's pet. Overcoming that kind of reputation is nearly impossible! I also don't want them to see sports or looks as more important than academics, or to sacrifice kindness for popularity. I try to instill in them a sense of empathy toward others, and to encourage their individuality. But here they are, following the crowd already!

I understand the need to fit in. It is important to have friends, and to feel like you belong. I have no problem with buying the popular styles of clothing, or listening to the Top 40 radio songs. We read bestselling books, and watch the cool TV shows. Their friends do the same, and they have things to talk about. We make appropriate choices, however, and I've had an angry 8 year old when I wouldn't allow him to download a song with "swears" in it. I have had discussions about making good choices despite what your friends do, and I am embarrassed to say I had to bite back the good old "would you jump off a bridge just because everyone else did?"

I'm hoping their independence will thrive and DJ will not decide piano isn't cool because some friend at school says so. I hope Zee will choose ballet or yoga or whatever she wants, and not demand hip hop classes just because the other girls are wearing bootie shorts (I swear that's what they call them!). I am fully aware that this is only the first rung of the peer pressure ladder. I know the influence will become stronger, and the choices more complicated and even potentially dangerous. We try to instill good values and to let DJ and Zee know they can always talk to us about anything. I think communication at home is the best way to counteract negative peer pressure.

If you can't say anything nice...

2010-04-14T18:06:00.002-05:00

There is a Sufi saying I have come across in a couple of yoga philosophy books in discussions about truth: "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" I find this simple little phrase to be really helpful in many different types of situations. It creates a way for me to screen my thoughts before saying anything aloud; before I can't take it back! We have all heard the expression "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." This implies we can say whatever we want, so long as it isn't mean. That's a nice rule for children, I think. As adults I think we are ready to work toward more integrity with our speech.

The first question: Is it true? Let's say that I have heard gossip about an acquaintance, and I run into our mutual friend. It's pretty simple to decide, based on the source, if I know this tidbit is true. Then comes question number 2: Is it kind? Let's say this gossip is positive "Our friend Sally has a new boyfriend!" I am not degrading Sally with this statement. However, when I come to question 3: Is it necessary, I have to rethink passing this along. Does our mutual friend require this information for her well-being? Or, is it even my business to relate? Clearly, the best choice is to keep my mouth shut.

Not every situation is so clear-cut. What if Sally asks me if I like her new haircut, and I really don't think it's a good look for her? My truth is that her hairdresser should be fired, but Sally seems to be really happy. Is my truth the truth? I can only say my opinion of her haircut, which would be unkind and unnecessary since she's happy with her look. Again, I keep my mouth shut! Then things can get really tough, because she's expecting an answer from me. I have lied through my teeth in this situation before, but I think I could find a way to answer her in a way that is neither a lie, nor unkind. How about something like this: "I've heard that is the latest trendy style! I'm so glad you love it!" If she's really astute, I'm sure she'll recognize that I didn't really answer her, but I think most people will be satisfied.

This 3 question guideline can prevent arguments and misunderstandings. It forces us to pre-screen ourselves before we speak. There are a lot of angry people these days, and a lot of people who thrive on gossip. Feelings often get hurt, friends or families may split apart, government leaders are no longer trusted, all because of words! Our thoughts affect our own energy, and I know a lot of negativity brings me down. Negative words hurt others as well as myself. Try thinking of this little expression whenever you are unsure how your words will be received. If more people think before speaking, I believe more peaceful interactions are possible.

Zen of Laundry

2010-04-11T22:03:00.001-05:00

My husband loves to say that laundry is one of my favorite activities. (Btw he hates being called "Al" on my blog, so I'll have to come up with a new alias.) I have laundry routines that are fairly rigid, and even if I'm very busy, the clothes will be done every Wednesday and Sunday, sheets every other weekend. See? I said it was rigid!
I used to despise the laundry. Especially the millions of tiny baby socks to be paired up, and the onesies, like 3 a day, right? Ugh! But even then, in the midst of colicky babies and burp rags, I found laundry to be something I didn't have anywhere else: a fully accomplishable goal. If I got the laundry sorted and started, it could be finished and put away. A box checked off my to do list, and a fresh start on the week.
Laundry is also a task that requires no intellectual effort. It can be done with full mindfulness on the moment. In the book Peace is Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh describes washing dishes in a really beautiful way, feeling the warm water, enjoying the smell of the soap, and knowing that washing them allows you to eat off a clean plate tomorrow.
Laundry is my dishes, I guess, because I still hate washing the freaking dishes :) But I can apply the same mindset. I can feel the fabrics, the warmth of towels straight from the dryer, and I know DJ's favorite shirt will be clean to wear for the second time this week. I feel calmed as I fold, with no thought except how to get the fitted sheet into a neat square (maybe someday!). But also because I have met a goal and attained an endpoint. How many places in life can we say that is true? The best part? There is ALWAYS more laundry...

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Tough Questions

2010-04-09T20:13:00.003-05:00

I am able to find out a lot about society and how people really live through my job. I ask questions and get personal information that most people never learn about others. I don't ever mean to stump anyone, but I often hear crickets chirping when I ask 2 questions. The first one is: what do you like to do for yourself? It's amazing how many people have no answer for that, or say they used to do things... before their job, their marriage, their kids, whatever. Granted, mental illness can cause loss of interest or pleasure, but that is usually not the reason for their difficulty answering. They have gotten into a life rut with no room for their own fun. Some people have no idea what they would even like to do. I find that tragic.

The second stumper is: who do you rely on for support? Some will name their spouse or their siblings or parents, but a lot of my patients have major problems with one or more of those family members! A large majority will also say their family is supportive, but then say they never actually talk to them about their real feelings. It seems common for people to have many acquaintances but no true confidantes. I sense a lot of loneliness even in very socially active people.

I think it's hard to meet friends as an adult. We have "work friends" who we never see outside the job, parents of our kids' friends who we never see outside of sports events, college friends who now live across the country, and so on. It is also a challenge to find new hobbies or interests outside the home. Joining a group requires taking risks. Trying yoga means I may be embarrassed because I don't know the poses. What if I go salsa dancing and everyone else has a partner?

We have a tendency to be cozy in our ruts, even if they are not healthy or even contributing to our contentment. I know I could use some work on my support system. I don't see my friends as often as I would like, I should call my mom more often, I should actually use the email address for my yoga friends to try to set up a coffee date. These are fairly low-risk ways to connect in a more meaningful way, something I think we could all do more often.

Busy

2010-04-07T13:24:00.001-05:00

I over-extended myself this week, something I've tried to avoid in recent years. I added evening yoga observations to my already busy work days on Monday and Tuesday. I enjoyed the classes and learned a lot, but tossed my personal down time out the window. Not a great idea for anyone, I know!
So what made it difficult for me to observe my schedule, then observe my body and my mind and recognize that I was trying to do too much? I see now that excitement and trying to check things off my to do list clouded my vision. I was in the flow with yoga, and really excited to see our lessons in practice. I also need to observe 5 classes, so I wanted to do my "homework."
In my days as a full-time student, I was an over-achiever. In high school I worried constantly whether I was doing enough or forgetting something. In college I got a bit more balance, and in med school I realized I just couldn't know everything, there was just too much. I haven't been in an academic environment in years, and my teacher training has been fun stuff I want to learn. There are no grades and the deadlines are fluid, so what's my hurry? I have to take my own advice and slow down, breathe, and enjoy the process.

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Living

2010-04-05T10:14:00.007-05:00

Al's grandfather has had some health issues in the last month, and it has been mentioned that he may not have much time left. We can never be sure how long we will have, since we are not marked with an expiration date, but some people clearly have a better idea when their time is coming that others. I have experienced the death of my grandparents, and my parents had to make decisions regarding their end of life care. They did so compassionately, even in a very difficult time. In Al's grandfather's case, he is fully mentally capable to make his own decisions. He will have to think about issues like life-prolonging treatments, and when to say enough is enough. How does someone prepare for the end of life?

I learned about Erikson's stages of psychosocial development in psych 101, I think, and have revisited it at other times in training. He describes devlopment through an entire life, not just up to adulthood. I'll let you Google the stages, they are really interesting if you haven't read them in a while, but I'll remind you that the last stage is Ego Integrity vs. Despair. This is given an age range of 65 and up. This stage represents the looking back phase. The theory is, we will either recognize that we have lived a full and rich life and be content, or regret mistakes or things not accomplished and feel despair. Really a lesson for our whole life, isn't it? I think every day we can reflect on this: am I making choices to enrich my life, or will I regret these decisions (or lack of decisions) tomorrow?

I have met seniors in both categories, but I have met younger people struggling with these same issues. As we age, we know our time is growing shorter, but when we're younger it feels as if there will always be tomorrow to change. Change careers, become a better person, spend time with our loved ones or doing things we love, there will always be more time. But that may not be true! If I were told I had only x amount of days left, I believe I would make some changes in the way I'm living. But why am I not making those changes NOW? Why aren't you?

I had a fairly in depth conversation with Al's grandfather at Easter. He talked about his health, how difficult it is to grow old and not be able to do the things you'd like to anymore. But he also talked about his family, how proud he is of everyone, and that he has had a good life. I hope to be able to reflect in a similar fashion when I get to 87. How can we live so we grow more contented, to face our final years with integrity, knowing we have fulfilled our purpose?

Changes

2010-04-03T20:20:00.001-05:00

Yesterday the trees were bare. Today leaves have appeared on the willow trees and some beautiful yellow shrubs. Every year this change takes me by surprise. It literally happens over night! Soon the fruit trees will bloom and spring will be in full swing.
Spring is a time for transitions, and new beginnings. Most of us have specific rituals this time of year, meant to prepare us for the changing seasons. I perform a closet purge, and pull out the things I no longer wear to donate. Then I replace winter sweaters with summer tops in my drawers. This is a simple shift in wardrobe, and mindset, which prepares me for spring. Most of life's transitions aren't as easy.
Change is usually difficult for me, and I think a lot of other people feel the same way. Nature changes easily and quickly from season to season, but I face change with a lot of uncertainty and worry. I thought long and hard before making a recent change in my work schedule and cutting out one of my 3 offices. I knew the change would cost me some of my long-term patients, and not everyone would be happy with me. I was correct about that, but it has been positive for my personal life. I tend to over-think things and avoid change even when my habitual patterns no longer serve. I am trying to take my cues from nature. The trees don't fret about unfurling leaves, my cats don't sweat the spring shed, maybe I can look at change as part of life itself. The only certainty in life is that nothing stays the same. I think I will be a lot freer if I welcome changes with an open mind and heart!
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Confidence

2010-04-01T18:38:00.003-05:00

I am in a yoga teacher-training program, and we are nearing the end of our classes. I am in training to teach vinyasa flow yoga, which means every class is different, has a spiritual/inspirational theme, and music to match. The poses flow one into the next, so the entire thing is like choreographing a musical. I have been blessed to take classes from wonderful teachers, and can only hope to live up to their standard. If you can't tell, I'm experiencing some self-doubt.

We have practiced teaching each other small parts of a class and relating a theme. I am no huge fan of public speaking, and I find myself getting shaky and tense, wringing my hands in front of me, and speaking softly. I am also discovering that the presentation of a theme, and the designing of a class, is very personal. I am not reading an article, I'm offering myself, my thoughts and musical tastes, my arrangement of poses. I know not everyone has the same tastes, and not everyone will like what I am offering. Just like in this blog, my content comes from me, and may not be what you were interested in reading right now. I can't please everyone all the time. That will take some getting used to.

I am also not typically a very open person with my thoughts and feelings. I listen to other people talk about themselves all day long, and while I'm not exactly a "blank slate," most of my patients don't know a lot about me other than the basics. So I have felt very vulnerable, both in writing this blog and in starting to try to teach. But, I think it has been good for me. I have not felt super in-touch with my creative side in a long time. Now I am looking for inspiration everywhere, and observing more. I'm opening myself emotionally to write these posts and to share a theme, and it seems to be bringing me more in touch with others. I have felt kinder, and have been able to stay in the moment more often. Giving creatively also opens me to receive, so it can come full circle. That sounds like a great theme for a yoga class...

Magical Thinking

2010-03-30T18:36:00.003-05:00

Easter is this weekend, and I just finished putting candy into plastic eggs and filling baskets with junky little toys. The kids are old enough now to start asking some serious questions. Such as, is the Easter Bunny tall and does he walk on 2 legs, or is he like a real bunny? Huh. I don't know! I think these questions will become more difficult in the next few years, and begin to topple all of our magical gift-bearing visitors.

DJ has had his doubts about Santa for a couple of years now. He is just like his father, and too logical to accept this for much longer. He points out inconsistencies, and asks if Santa is really real; sometimes out of nowhere, months away from Christmas. Interestingly, the tooth fairy idea doesn't seem to bother him too much. No questions asked. I think he recognizes the gift or money potential to be had from all of this, so he doesn't ever push it. We have also explained that he may never discuss any of this in front of Zee. She is questioning the Bunny this year, though. I mean, it is kind of ridiculous, isn't it? But, she is a staunch supporter of all things Santa. Do not even try to suggest Santa may not be real, or she gets angry and indignant. She let her brother have it the last time he brought it up at the dinner table.

Before we had kids, Al and I briefly discussed if we would tell the kids about Santa, if that was lying to them, or just tradition. If you celebrate these holidays, I think it's likely you remember when you first found out Santa or the bunny weren't real. I know my far more worldly friend Kristina (now a Facebook friend!) told me. Al said he presented his case full of logical talking points to disprove his mother's arguments when he was in first grade. Were we disappointed? Yes. Did I think my parents were lying liars who lie? Not really. But it did feel like the end of something really big for me at the time. I think a little whimsy and fantasy are good for everyone (especially the super-logically mathematically minded boy). I know we don't have much longer before the kids figure all this out, and I intend to make the most of it. The bunny will be heavy on Whoppers eggs this year. They're my favorite :)

Try a Little Kindness

2010-03-29T17:53:00.002-05:00

Have you ever seen that bumper sticker that says "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty"? I have always loved that, for the play on words and the sentiment it expresses. Do good things for no reason. How simple and lovely! I have been trying to be kinder, more accepting, and less cynical. Some days that's easier than others, of course, but I think I'm making progress. I smile more at people, and make eye contact, instead of avoiding gazes when I'm out at the store. I even gave someone the benefit of the doubt today, when in the past I would've showed them the door.

Now, there's a fine line between kindness and being a doormat, and I am not putting out an invitation to walk on me. I am all about setting healthy limits and letting people know their boundaries. However, even bad news can be delivered in a kind manner. This avoids conflicts even when we don't get what we want. Think about the crabby cashier who tells you your coupon expired, or the smiling one who explains the same thing, but then offers you another coupon to use next time. Same news, but I go away with a completely different attitude.

Kindness can make another person feel good, but I benefit, too. I feel lighter, and when I reflect back on my day, I have less regret. I have also read some about the law of attraction. Now I have not read The Secret, and I do not believe that thinking about a Mercedes is going to put one into your garage. But I do believe that the kindness and good thoughts you transmit come back to you in other ways. Maybe someone holds the door for me when I approach with my heavy cart, or a seat at Starbucks is offered to me on a busy morning. It's really these small things that help foster a connection to others, and allow us to live in our true nature.

Learning Curve

2010-03-28T17:15:00.003-05:00

My yoga teacher themed about challenges in class last week. At one point she said it's the tough situations in life that really teach us about ourselves. Of course, then I knew she planned to kick our tails with long holds and hard poses, but her statement got me thinking. We face challenges every day, from the mundane to the more intense. I think our reaction to them depends on our mindset that day, as well as the level of adversity. Some days, a very minor difficulty can seem insurmountable. Other times, we can combat any situation with super-human strength.

So is it the tough stuff that helps us learn about ourselves? In that class we held Warrior II for about 2 minutes. During that lengthy hold (2 minutes doesn't sound long, but try it for yourself if you doubt me!), my mind began several different patterns of thought: How long will we have to hold this? Am I a wimp if I straighten my leg for a breath? Who sings this song? Did the teacher forget that we're still holding this? I think my thigh may collapse any second. I may not get up my stairs later. And so on. I have learned to breathe through these thoughts, and try to re-focus and reframe them: No, I am not going to collapse on the floor, and I am certain this won't kill me. The longer the hold, the harder it gets to keep my breath even and my thoughts from doom and gloom. Just like real life stressors, eh? So from these challenges, I learn that my thoughts become anxious and focused on the negative. On the mat, a lengthy Warrior II pose teaches me to breathe through the sensation, that even when things get tough, the breath can keep me steady and strong. That I can take off the mat and into real life.

But, do the good times offer no lessons? I think we can learn from them, too. When things are easy, some people may check-out, become bored or sloppy. Or when they feel happiness, immediately wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. These are also important things to recognize about oneself. If I notice myself focusing more on the end of the fun than enjoying the moment (a tendency I used to have on vacation), I can bring myself back to the present. Yes, both bad times and good must come to an end, but I don't have to be resentful or angry about either one. I can observe and learn a lot about myself in any situation, and choose to stay mindful through good and bad.

Opinions

2010-03-26T18:50:00.003-05:00

In case you've been stranded on a desert island without your iPhone the last week, you're probably aware that our government has passed a healthcare reform bill. Now, I took government in summer school, so I learned next to nothing, and cannot actually tell you what happens next before we see any real changes. But, I have a Facebook page and "friends" from many different areas of the country and many different backgrounds. So what I do have is an excellent sampling of public opinion on this reform. I cannot believe how many people have a strong opinion about this issue, and feel it necessary to post it for all their contacts to read. I have counted and found that 90% of posts I've read have been whole-heartedly, and in some cases, extremely angrily, against this bill.

I admit that I haven't read a whole lot about healthcare reform, which may sound strange given my career. I am not in denial, I promise, I just didn't feel it was necessary to get all up in arms about something that was likely to change multiple times from its original form. Then, it would go through a process of implementation that would take many years. Eventually, somebody will tell me how all this is going to affect me, right? Well, according to my Facebook friends, the bill will allow "big government" to take over our medical rights, make it so senior citizens can't see the doctor they want, and provide health benefits for pedophiles on Indian reservations. In the news, I see stories about threats against democrats who voted for the bill, and images of crosshairs being put over maps of their districts.

I am not a politically active person. I vote, but I don't campaign or put bumper stickers on my car supporting one candidate over another. I will say I believe our healthcare system needs to be overhauled. I don't know if this new bill is the best way to do that, because I haven't read all 2400 pages of it, but I don't see anything in the summaries I've read to make me want to threaten any lawmakers. So I will come out against the anger and the clear division in our country between those who believe in this change and those who do not. I feel very sad that most people seem to be getting their information from, and therefore basing their opinions on, the 24 hour news media. You can find inflammatory statements on both the left- and right-wing news outlets, so no one is free from blame. I don't see many people looking for a healthy intellectual debate on this issue. They are looking for a fight. Since I am a pacifist, I will continue to keep my politics to myself, thank you very much.

Music

2010-03-24T22:28:00.001-05:00

We went to DJs 2nd grade musical tonight. What a fabulous evening! These kids worked on songs, dance moves and lines for months. I feel so grateful that our district offers music education to every grade-schooler. We know music increases aptitude in math, it also fosters a sense of community that can help kids find a niche to fully express themselves.
I was in choir throughout middle school, high school and college. I went on choir tour every spring break in college, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I have life-long friends, and an appreciation for music of all kinds that helps me to be a more well-rounded person. I also have tons of memories about the choir tour bus, the crazy skits we put on, the jello salads with shredded carrots at the church potlucks, and the crazy families we stayed with on tour... Yes we stayed in peoples' homes!
Music is important, and I fear for music education in public schools. I don't want it to become available only to the wealthy, and only in private organizations. I listen to all kinds of music, and I encourage my kids to listen to more than just pop radio. I hope to foster a life-long love of music and that can only begin if it's learned at a young age. Support music education in public schools, and in your own families.

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Self-care Isn't Selfish

2010-03-23T21:08:00.003-05:00

I practice yoga. Every day (almost). Sometimes I have to do it while my kids are eating breakfast before school. Sometimes I go to class on a weekend morning before they're up, and I miss their breakfast time that day. I don't think they are psychologically damaged by my brief absence, and yoga is something that keeps me grounded emotionally and physically healthy. I recognize that I am a better mother (and person in general) if I take that time on the mat. But there's always that nagging guilty feeling in the back of mind that I should be sitting there with them for breakfast. Even if they're just fighting with each other.

When I talk about self-care, especially exercise, I meet a lot of resistance from people. They never have time. Yet physically their body is exhausted, they are unhealthy, and irritable all the time. Taking time to replenish your own energy can only make you calmer and more able to cope with stress. My yoga teacher gives the analogy of the airplane: the flight video always says to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. You figure it out, if you put the mask on your kid while you are gasping for air, pretty soon you're going to be of no use to anyone! Yet how many of us live our lives constantly giving to everyone else before ourselves?

I will give another example. I'm almost embarrassed to write this one... I have started eating more fruits and vegetables, but it was hard for me at first because I felt that the good fruit (blueberries, nectarines, kiwis) needed to be saved for the kids. I cannot explain this feeling, it is ridiculous to see it here in print, but there it was in my delusional brain. I buy extra berries now, and have some myself, but I still feel guilty about it if I finish them and Zee asks for more (she really loves her berries). But fruits and vegetables are good for my health, too. We can get more fruit. Why on earth would I deprive myself?

I think women, in particular, have this mindset that if I am not doing everything all the time for everyone, I have failed. We multi-task to a ridiculous level, and never take time for a night out, or a bubble bath, or a yoga class. I am going to take the radical view that self-care is not selfish. In order for me to get the oxygen mask on Zee and DJ, I need to inhale some of that stuff for myself first. Then I will be clear-headed enough to get them to all their activities, prepare dinner, do the laundry and dishes and scoop the cat box. If I have taken care of some of my own needs first, I will be less likely to holler at them for a minor offense, or fall asleep in front of American Idol at 830pm. I am going to continue to do my yoga and eat my blueberries. I will acknowledge my guilty thoughts as irrational and continue to breathe through my own mask first.

Don't be a Hater

2010-03-21T19:08:00.003-05:00

My kids love the show Phineas and Ferb (Disney Channel). The basic premise, if you've never had the pleasure of watching, is two boys making fantastic inventions to pass the time on their summer break. Their pet platypus (yes, platypus) is really a secret agent working to defeat the evil Dr. Doofenschmirtz. Dr. D is always creating evil machines to destroy things that annoy him. One of my favorite quotes: "Blinking traffic signals, ear hair, pelicans, musical instruments that start with the letter b, you get the idea. It's a long list. I've been working on it for a while." His antics are hilarious, of course, but he's a very bitter and angry man.

This character is completely over-the-top (it IS a cartoon, after all), but I think his attitude is not so far from real life. A lot of people are angry these days. You may have seen them posting on the internet, arguing on political talk shows, screaming at other drivers in traffic, and yelling at my office staff. We face a multitude of situations every day that may be irritating. Here's my short list: missing the green light because someone in front of me is on their phone; the guy before me at Starbucks gets the last pumpkin scone; the weather is lousy; the cat barfs in the closet and I don't find it until bedtime. Oooh, I'm getting so angry!! Ok, not really, but I could be. The next step toward the dark side is blaming other people or situations for my bad mood. In reality, we create our own suffering by choosing to be miserable when things don't turn out the way we want. I can think of quite a few days when one little annoyance led me straight to a pity party. The end result was a lousy day spent cataloguing the things keeping me down. Just like good old Dr. Doofenschmirtz! I could have plotted my revenge, created situations to perpetuate my anger, and drawn more and more people into my black mood...

Instead, I've been reading a lot about happiness. In a strange confluence of events, I started reading a book called Happiness Now. Then I received an email from the Daily Om about happiness, and a blogger I follow posted on the same subject. All of these had a similar message. We can choose to be happy. In every moment, I have the ability to observe, and decide how to react. I can become angry about bad traffic, or I can use it as more time to chat with Zee on the way to school. I can become angry when someone says hurtful things, or I can recognize that they are reacting from their own anger and despair, and that it's not about me. That can be really really hard. I am trying not to be a hater. I am working to choose happiness in this moment, because that's all we really have.

Book reference: Happiness Now! Timeless Wisdom for Feeling Good Fast by Robert Holden, Ph.D.
Website (one of my favorites, btw): http://www.dailyom.com

First Day of Spring

2010-03-20T13:20:00.001-05:00

The daffodils still look ready to blossom despite the conditions! DJ and I discussed how "obnoxious" the snow is today. I told him we can get angry and let it ruin our day and feel miserable. Or we can remember that snow looks beautiful on the tree branches, and this wet snow will be perfect for snowballs!

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Fountain of Youth

2010-03-18T18:50:00.003-05:00

I love the internet as a source of interesting, if fairly useless, knowledge. I just read an article on Yahoo about a species of jellyfish called Turritopsis nutricula. The headline caught my eye, proclaiming this animal can "live forever." Theoretically. I won't bore you with the details, you can Google the little critter yourself, but suffice it to say this jellyfish can go from a mature adult stage back to infancy again due to a cellular process called transdifferentiation. I don't know what triggers this, if the jellyfish just decides to be a kid again, or if some environmental conditions cause it to change, but what a cool concept.

If you had the option to turn back the clock and relive a younger stage of your life, would you do it? There is a lot of focus on youth in our society. People are trying to act and look younger than their age, some are even resorting to drastic measures such as plastic surgery. But imagine trading your 30-something body for a newer 18 year old model. What if you had to return to an 18 year old brain, too? I was half out of my mind as a late teenager. I don't think I'd want to return to that stage! But, a pre-pregnancy belly sure sounds nice.

We all know people who seem stuck in the past, constantly trying to relive their "glory days." They wistfully look back on how things used to be, and ignore the beauty of the present. Others seem stuck on mistakes they've made, or insults they've received and can't move on. I can think of times in my life where I'd choose to do things differently, but I have learned a lot since I was a teenager. Sure, I don't have the free time I did then, or the energy, maybe not even the memory (ok, this isn't sounding so great!), but I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned and the life I've created in these last couple of decades. Happiness is in this moment. Unlike the jellyfish, we don't get a do-over.

Spring has Sprung

2010-03-17T19:14:00.001-05:00

It was 65 degrees today on St. Patrick's Day. That's unusual for the Chicago area. We are often still buried under snow at this point! But everyone is feeling the coming spring. People are going outside and I'm seeing the neighbors again. The kids can barely contain themselves and are outside the second they get home.
Animals know it's warmer, the geese are coming back, the squirrels are giddy, and my cats are desperate for an open window. We see the animals stirring, the daffodils starting to shoot up and we feel the long winter is over.
In this part of the country we know the weather will tease us and change back and forth many times before it actually stays warm. I always find it a challenge to stay positive when it sleets again after a 60 degree day. Some people see it as an excuse to return to gloom and doom, and take their irritability out on others. I prefer to stay hopeful and remind myself that complaining about it doesn't improve the weather, but it can sure bring me and everyone around me down!
I can try to emulate the daffodils. They pop up as soon as we have a few warm days. Most years they get frozen or even buried in snow before they bloom. But they don't turn brown and wither or turn black and suck the energy from the plants around them. They stay green and tall and keep growing, knowing spring always comes eventually.

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Beware the Ides of March

2010-03-15T18:57:00.002-05:00

We sprang ahead an hour yesterday. I always get so thrown off by the time changes. I don't know why, it's just an hour, but my body and internal clock get really upset! I yawned all day long yesterday and couldn't fall asleep last night. The kids have also had some trouble adjusting. I went in to wake DJ up at 715 (I let him sleep in an extra 15 minutes) and he of course started whining until he'd worked himself into tears by the time he was dressed. I knew what he'd say if I asked, so I didn't. I didn't want to get up either!!

Zee woke up at 720 on her own. She started to cry for a different reason. She told me (with crocodile tears streaming down her cheeks) that when the grandparents are here, she misses them a lot when they leave again. She rallied quickly, thank goodness! Our timing was all off getting breakfast, and DJ and I went outside at the usual time to meet the bus. Only no one else was there. I found out later we had a substitute bus driver and she had arrived 10 minutes before our usual time. We missed the stinking bus! Zee decided to be an excellent listener, and I got everyone where they needed to be on time. Not sure how. Don't want to try it again.

Today is March 15th. The Ides of March. I'm sure we all remember the line in Shakespeare's Julius Caesars "Beware the Ides of March." Oooh, creepy foreshadowing, he gets stabbed by his cronies a couple of scenes later. I don't think my day was quite as bad as Caesar's. But it can be hard to bounce back from a tough morning. I had to work to not let it set the tone for an anxious and irritable day. I had a great yoga class before work, with a lot of hip-opening to dispel my anger (thanks, Mary!), and I worked on breathing between patients and phone calls during my super busy day. I am not clenching my shoulders or my jaw, so I'm hopeful about falling asleep later, too. I am glad I'm learning about my response to stressful situations while I'm on the yoga mat, so in real life a missed bus doesn't have to ruin the entire day! A bunch of knives in the back, on the other hand...

Piles of Presents

2010-03-14T19:21:00.003-05:00

Zee had her 6th birthday party yesterday, 2 weeks after her birthday, AND after we already celebrated in Disney World and went shopping at American Girl Place. I think I've outed myself as an overly indulgent parent here. Her party was at a little gymboree kind of place. Her BFFs were there, and that's all that mattered. That and the presents. She kept saying she couldn't wait to get more presents!

Zee opened her loot after we got home, and got an unbelievable load of gifts. Apparently I am the lamest gift-giver ever. I tend to spend $15 or so for a classmate's party. Zee got a couple of $25 gift cards, and a Barbie guitar that looked very expensive. It is a challenge to keep the kids grounded and not focused on the stuff. Yet we keep giving them more stuff! I am as guilty as the grandparents here, I admit it. I see a tiny plastic cat I know she'd love, and I pick it up, even thought we already bought all her presents.

I am trying to instill a sense of gratitude, and she will be sending thank you notes to everyone. But the kids are growing up in a material world (sorry to channel Madonna), and they compare and contrast who has more. At some point in the last couple of years, money has become a topic the kids discuss: who is "rich," who has the most toys, etc. Having too much doesn't seem to compute. I will continue to try to create generous and kind kids. I will keep having them help sort out things to donate to Goodwill, and keep talking about people and entire cultures that are less fortunate than we are. But I don't know how to decrease the influence of peers and their focus on wealth.

Wellness

2010-03-12T20:13:00.000-06:00

I was trained in so-called Western medicine. I took hours and hours of anatomy and physiology, infectious disease, pathology, and we had one very short class called preventive medicine. Hardly anyone went to lecture and there were no textbooks, just lame handouts. We really didn't learn anything of value. I think it wasn't considered important because Western medicine focuses more on disease, rather than on health.
There are many other systems of medicine, some ancient and some more recent, which focus more on wellness. I don't know a lot but have found it interesting to learn more about some of them. I have a lot of patients and friends who swear by chiropractic and naturopathy. I have learned a little about what acupuncture and Chinese medicine can do from a friend, and I'm reading about the Indian Ayurvedic system in yoga teacher training. The last 2 rely on physical or energetic systems that you can't see on an x-ray or cadaver dissection. You can't see the qi, and you can't do a blood test to determine your dosha. Does this make these traditions invalid or useless?
I don't think so. Why do we assume the body is only its physical components? Talk of energy healing, chakra cleansing and qi is enough to make most of our parents' generation tune out the "hippy talk." I think the scientific method has great usefulness, but I also think some things are beyond our current abilities to test or prove. This doesn't mean they don't exist.
I have started acupuncture and I've incorporated a few Ayurvedic principles into my routine to see what they can do for me. More studies of acupuncture are finding it useful for pain, depression, and many other conditions. Many people are drawn to the whole-health perspective of Ayurveda through books like Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra. I think we are seeking another system of healthcare. Rather than just treating what is wrong, we're trying to maintain what is right.

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Dreams

2010-03-11T18:03:00.004-06:00

I have been having some strange dreams. I dream pretty often, and usually remember them shortly after I wake, then I forget as I get up. Sometimes it is easy to see the reason for a dream, it correlates so closely with what is going on in my life. Other times, I have to think about it more, and sometimes I don't have a clue.

Dreams have been described as a window to the soul. Freud, of course, wrote the classic "Interpretation of Dreams" and famously described dreams as the "royal road" to the unconscious. A lot of dreams can be interpreted by looking at emotional themes and what's going on in your real life. A common anxiety dream would be finding out there's an exam and you haven't studied, or being naked in public. My anxious dreams are usually a play or musical performance and I don't know my lines or music. Don't know why I get that instead of tests, maybe Dr. Freud would have an answer?

A lot of other cultures believe dreams have special meaning, and look for symbols that give clues as to what the dream is about. There are even dream dictionaries to guide your interpretation. I don't think this necessarily goes against Freud's theories, because they also base the interpretations on life context, emotions, etc. Same basic theory, different background.

I have had to look at both of these methods to try to explain my dreams lately. In the first one, I was pregnant (no, I'm not really!), and searching and searching for the right place and right time to give birth. So pregnancy or birth mean something new, a change, in the future. A dream dictionary also says it can mean a transformation. The next one was much stranger... I dreamt of a brown snake. A big one. First I saw it swimming in the water, and was worried it would come near me. Then it was on land, and my cats were attacking it. I was afraid they would be hurt, but the snake was not fighting, not aggressive, not harmful. So the dream dictionary says snakes can again mean a transformation (shedding skin and all). I also think this particular dream could mean that something I perceive as negative or a threat is actually no big deal.

So what any of this means for my real life, I have no clue. I do think dreams can give you clues about your life, I even believe some people have premonitions in dreams. I have had the experience of dreaming about someone I haven't thought of in years, then the next day that person sent me a friend request on Facebook ... spooky. I'm interested to find out what big transformation or opportunity is coming. Maybe I'll win the lottery?

Procrastination

2010-03-09T21:18:00.003-06:00

I used to be a great student. I was focused, would study diligently and complete my assignments with plenty of time to spare. I seem to have lost some of those skills somewhere! I should be doing my yoga teacher-training homework. I even like the homework, and enjoy reading and learning about the asanas. But somehow, I've managed to watch American Idol, go on Facebook 4 different times, order a gift for someone online, look for something I want on Amazon, and now I'm blogging. I have done exactly one asana sheet tonight. I intended to do 4 or 5.

So where has my attention gone? I do evaluations for adults who think they have ADHD on at least a weekly basis. Some of them do have it, and have their whole lives. A lot of them are over-stressed parents with too many commitments, and a lot of them are like me, a product of our multi-tasking society. We rarely do one thing at a time anymore. I read while eating lunch, I just ordered a continuing medical education MP3 that I'm supposed to listen to while driving, and I can't remember the last time I just watched a TV show. I play Scrabble, read a magazine, try to do my asana sheets... My computer allows me to open up a bunch of windows at once, and I can go back and forth between them. So if it suddenly pops into my head that I need to check the weather report (morning rain and high of 54) I can do it and return immediately to my project.

I think procrastination develops because of too many other distractions. If I had no internet (oh, I shudder to think) or no iPhone (I just scared myself!) I think I would be well on my way to completing my homework. I blame it on work, the kids, etc, but I have seriously wasted 2 hours tonight with very little to show for it. I think it's time to turn off the distractions and get to it. I just need to check my email one more time before I start.

Sleep

2010-03-08T20:18:00.004-06:00

I am not a great sleeper. I never have been. I think too much, worry, make lists, toss and turn and wake during the night several times. It has gotten better in the last couple of years, but I am no champion snoozer and never will be. Al, on the other hand, can fall asleep with the lights on in the 5 minutes it takes me to brush my teeth and come to bed. I have never understood that, and sometimes it makes me so mad...

In my experience, a lot of women have trouble sleeping. I think we are by nature planners and worriers, and the quiet time we get to ourselves is, unfortunately, the time we should be shutting down and trying to relax. A lot of exhausted women tell me they purposely stay up late so they can have some time to themselves, after the kids are in bed. This may mean going to bed at midnight or later, after being on Facebook for an hour and watching a grown-up show on the DVR. I have read studies that computer, cell phone and TV screens emit a kind of light that inhibits the release of melatonin, the chemical that helps promote sleepiness. I am a definite breaker of this rule, I can't go to bed without checking my email one last time! But I feel the difference if I do shut down the electronics earlier.

I think my sleep has gotten better in the last couple of years because I've changed my habits. I have a more regular schedule, waking up early even on the weekends (unfortunately this is more because I can't seem to sleep in, not because I don't want to!). I also journal most nights before bed to try to get a bunch of worries out of my head and onto paper. Then I can close the book and hopefully shut the drawer on the racing thoughts. I also like to do a gratitude practice, and a lovingkindness meditation. I admit this sounds cheesy, but it really helps me keep things in a more positive perspective, especially if I've had a lousy day!

I lie in a relaxing pose (usually supta baddah konasana is my favorite, but legs up the wall would be great, too) and simply think of things I'm grateful for, like fuzzy kittens, not having to make dinner, healthy kids, whatever. Then the meditation. There are many versions of this you can find, and I've incorporated the phrases I like best from several versions. "May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be peaceful. May I be safe. May I be loved." Then I repeat it once for someone I love, then once for someone I feel neutral about (the guy at Starbucks, the woman in the elevator), then once for someone who isn't getting my love at the moment (the guy that cut me off in traffic, the kid that bullied my kid). Lastly I repeat it for All Beings. Try it. I find it very peaceful and I do think it has made me kinder and more tolerant.

So it still takes me a long time to fall asleep, and I may be awake at night ruminating or singing another damn Lady Gaga song in my head at 3am, but that's not as often anymore. I get concerned about the epidemic of insomnia I see at work, and the number of people that want a sleeping pill. I hope some of these behavioural techniques can help others since they've helped me, even though I am still trying to improve myself. Maybe they carry more weight because I do struggle with insomnia, than if I had perfected the instant drop off like my dear husband!

Why Yoga?

2010-03-07T21:02:00.002-06:00

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago about yoga, if I thought it could help her back pain, if it's good exercise. Then she asked "But how is yoga different from Jazzercise?" Before I started learning about yoga, I wouldn't have understood much of a difference. Yoga is exercise, right? It helps you stretch and a lot of gyms offer it along with kick-boxing classes. I have also been asked many times why the yoga teacher-training course is so long and involved. "Aren't you just learning to teach poses?"

In one of our first teacher-training classes, we talked about our yoga "elevator speech." What is your brief yet informative description that can get someone interested to learn more for themselves? I have found this challenging, because it's hard to put into words what yoga is, and what it has done for me. I also don't want to sound all "new-agey" because that will turn people off quickly! Most people come to yoga for the physical benefits. It is great exercise, good for strength and range of motion, good for all levels of conditioning and all body types. It can give you a great butt, and help you lose weight. That's all true!

But yoga is more about the mind than the body. It is a system based on ancient philosophies that shows us a path to enlightenment. (See, I lost a bunch of you, now didn't I?) Yoga poses, along with the spiritual teachings, help us to calm and focus the mind, to be kinder and more loving, to remain calm in the face of adversity, and to aspire to see the connections between every being. Let me try again. Yoga helps calm and focus the mind, reduces anger and irritability, AND has the added benefit of being a great physical practice. Now THAT could be related on an elevator ride to the 10th floor!

The more I study, the more I realize that what I'm learning is the tip of a gigantic ancient iceberg. The Yoga Sutras are the main text about yoga, written thousands of years ago in an ancient, now mostly dead language called Sanskrit. Yeah, Sanskrit. So what can that have to do with modern life? Well, the very first sutras tell us that yoga calms the mind to allow us to realize our true nature: joy. Happiness. Divinity. They go on to tell us how to deal with difficulties, how to be kinder and ultimately, how to live a meaningful life. Isn't that what we're all looking for in the end?

Animals

2010-03-06T20:26:00.004-06:00

We were at Disney World last week, and spent a day at the Animal Kingdom park. It was one of my favorite days. I loved the safari and seeing a lot of exotic animals in an open setting. I understand these animals are captive, that they have been put into an unnatural environment for my viewing pleasure. I admit to a lot of difficulty with this idea, but have to deal with my ambivalence in order to see these creatures in real life.

I always believed zoos and other animal "businesses" generally had conservation and animal welfare as part of their mission (clearly circuses are excepted). But, I have recently been told of a movie called "The Cove" that shows how dolphins are slaughtered in the attempt to find performance animals for places like SeaWorld. We intended to go to SeaWorld on our trip to Florida until that information (along with the death of a trainer) made us scratch that off the itinerary. Now I wonder if aquariums are suspect, or even well-known zoos.

We love going to Brookfield Zoo, and are even members. We receive a magazine quarterly that tells of their exhibits, but also about animals, their habitats, and their preservation efforts. I know zoo animals are kept in confines that are much smaller than their natural spaces, and their entire life cycle is altered to fit the environment. I do believe the keepers treat the animals well and keep them healthy. I also believe it's important for children to understand about biodiversity and conservation, and zoos can provide a lot of education. Plus it's amazing to see a lion or a gorilla or an elephant standing right there in front of you!

So back to my ambivalence. I don't think I'm going to be able to resolve it in this one entry! I am a vegetarian, I love my pets and animals of all kinds. I won't go to the circus, or now to dolphin shows. But I think the zoo is humane, if not natural or ideal. Maybe my thoughts will change with more information. I read The Omnivore's Dilemma, and thought I could eat meat or seafood that was "humane." More education changed that idea drastically. I will keep an open eye and ear to learn more so I can continue to make the most compassionate decisions.

Heartache

2010-03-05T13:57:00.002-06:00

I just found out one of my friend's children committed suicide last night. That is not my story to tell. I know her child suffered from depression, and was receiving treatment. It can be easy to forget that depression is an often fatal illness, even when treated. As humans we are affected by so many external influences, things beyond our control, events we can't change, personal attributes we can't choose. Brain chemistry is only a part of depression, and medications cannot make a person happy. Unfortunately, not every illness is curable, and suicide is not always preventable, even in a wonderful loving family.

When someone loses a loved one, people have a hard time knowing what to say or do. In the case of a suicide, I think this is doubly true. The emotions are much more complicated than other types of death. There is often a lot of anger involved, along with the intense sadness. The survivors may need a hand to hold, someone to listen, or just to know others are thinking of or praying for them. Don't withdraw from a grieving family because it's hard to face emotion. Even just saying "I'm sorry" can be a real comfort.

My heart aches for my friend and her family. I wish I could take away their pain. It will be a tough challenge to come back stronger from such a loss, but I know they will stick together. I plan to hold my kids a lot more tightly tonight, and pray for peace for those who suffer emotional pain of all kinds.

Home Again

2010-03-04T19:53:00.003-06:00

We got back to Illinois today, and are glad to be home. Now we have to re-establish our routines and make our way through a mountain of laundry! I love routines. The kids thrive on them, actually I think we all do. I have a morning routine, we have a bedtime ritual, and everyone has their daily chores. We have been off this schedule completely, with the kids sharing a room in the condo and going to bed at the same time. That would NEVER fly at home! I am expecting some hiccups as we try to get back on track.

Zee's bedtime ritual includes stories, several drinks of water, a song, and usually retrieving a cat from her bed. I have to be very careful what gets added into the routine at night because it will forever be a part of her bedtime plan. DJ is easier, he reads before bed then we walk him up and say goodnight. He has bear again, and I know he's excited to spend some alone time with him. I am getting back into my blog routine and hoping to continue the good habit of some japa meditation before bed. I'm sure Al is itching to get onto World of Warcraft to see what he's missed while we've been away (oh, that game is a blog entry waiting to happen...).

Tomorrow will be a challenge, as the kids are going back to school. I hope to get to yoga and work some post-travel kinks out of my spine and hips, and Friday is one of my usual yoga class days. I'm looking forward to all the day to day boring stuff we've missed doing while on vacation. Even laundry.

Vacation

2010-03-02T19:05:00.001-06:00

When you vacation as an adult couple, you sleep in late, read quietly by the pool, eat leisurely dinners and have a cocktail brought by a waiter. When you vacation with kids you get up at the same time as a work day, eat at the same types of restaurants you would normally frequent, and maybe order a drink at dinner. You will not go to the toilet by yourself. Ever.
If you can't tell, we're bearing the end of our family vacation, and 6 days at Disney World may have been a bit much...
We went to Epcot today and I envisioned bored kids as we leisurely walked around the nations. What actually happened: 4 hours of rides followed by the countries on a run (8 countries in 90 minutes), the last 2 with a sobbing child on one hip and dreams of a second Bellini in Italy out the window.
In spite of all that, we have had a lovely vacation. It's been fun, and the kids really get the magic of Disney. Even DJ, a totally cool 8 year old dude, loves those giant characters. Tomorrow is our last day of park passes. I will likely ride rollercoasters all day and eat somewhere that serves chicken nuggets and has no champagne on the menu, but this hasn't been about me. The kids will remember this trip forever.

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So tired

2010-02-28T17:29:00.001-06:00

We were up early this morning for breakfast, so I didn't have time for yoga before we left. We walked a lot and had fun, but everyone was dragging by the end of the day. It gets so much harder to maintain a filter when I'm exhaused!
Every complaint from a kid is harder to tolerate. Every jostle from someone in the crowd makes me irritated. The kids struggled to the end of the day, and couldn't help poking and fighting with each other. Then I couldn't help yelling at them. Ugh.
A bottle of water and some time sitting down left us refreshed for a quiet evening. We will be trying for a late night of parade and fireworks tomorrow. I hope we can all wrap ourselves in some tolerance, if not exactly good will towards all.

Perspective

2010-02-27T18:39:00.001-06:00

I have trouble with expectations, wanting a certain outcome and being really frustrated when things don't go as planned. I know I can't control certain things, like the weather and other people. I knew before we left for Florida that the forecast was not ideal. The temperature is well below normal. Today it also rained. So we were cold and wet, and there was nothing I could do about it.
So we bought sweatshirts and gloves (our jackets alone weren't enough today) and spent the day at Disney Hollywood which has more attractions that are indoors or at least covered. A lot of other vacationers had the same idea! I was seriously disappointed because we also couldn't find a Starbucks, so no chai! The kids, however, totally rallied. They didn't complain about the cold, they skipped and ran through the rain, and Zee happily jabbered her way through several shows.
In short, we ended up having a nice time in spite of the nasty conditions. Sometimes it takes the perspective of a child, still present in the joy of vacation (and new stuffed animals), to bring me back into the moment. That can still be hard to recognize with no Starbucks in site. I may have a serious problem here ;)

Princess Pressure

2010-02-26T20:53:00.000-06:00

Zee has been saying for months that she doesn't like princesses anymore. I think she thought her cool brother would find it babyish. I wondered how she would do at Disney with princess stuff everywhere, but she walked in the gates and saw the light. Actually she saw a bunch of girls her age walking around in princess gowns, tiaras and sparkles. We bought a princess Minnie hat today, with tiara and veil. It's fabulous. Thank goodness I brought her Aurora gown.

Sparkles and make-up have a magnetic effect on these girls. One girl in a gown feels extremely special, and all the other girls ARE staring. Zee had her hat off this evening, saw a girl her age in one, and had to have it on again. I want her to know she doesn't need to wait for her prince to come, she can make her own dreams come true. But I don't see anything wrong with looking fabulous while doing it.

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